July 28, 2014

Prior to use time off to wash cap

Shocking revelations and dirty laundry in our news round-up

There's a
There's a "vice" "cap"-tain joke here if you look really hard © Getty Images

Prior to use time off to wash cap
Matt Prior is to use his time away from the game to put his feet up, recharge the batteries, and finally wash his filthy cap, according to sources close - but not standing too close - to the England wicketkeeper. The cap, which by the looks of it has apparently never been washed since being targeted by a flock of overexcited seagulls on a naturist beach in Brighton seven years ago while Prior was standing alone at the pier in celebration of his call-up for England duty, will finally get some much-needed TLC now that he has some extra time on his hands.

Cook agreed that with the cap washed, the embattled and malodorous wicketkeeper has more than doubled his chances of being recalled to the team or sat next to by a stranger in a movie theatre or public bus, "a method of conveyance he will increasingly come to rely on in the years to come".

Test cricket also exists outside of India v England
A major discovery has been announced in the search for Test cricket beyond the current India v England series. According to researchers, recent findings indicate that not only do Test matches between teams other than the so-called Big Three exist, but that there is "a good chance" that one is currently being played somewhere else in the world.

Reported glimpses of another series being broadcast while flipping through channels during breaks from the India-England series by SETI, or Search for Elusive Tests not featuring India, have been met with excitement among those in the community who have long held that Test match cricket simply has to exist elsewhere in the universe as well.

"We don't want to rush to conclusions, but I think we can remain cautiously optimistic that a form of Test cricket might be flourishing on a distant island somewhere on the Indian ocean, and that it is being currently played between teams that scientists have tentatively dubbed "SA-832c" and "SL-832c" just until proper names can be thought up for them," said one SETI researcher.

Anderson appears on Larry King Now
In a heartrending interview often interrupted by tears, James Anderson opened up recently about his ongoing struggles trying to restrain himself from hurling invective at opposition batsmen in the face of being investigated for a Level 3 offence. In the interview, which was broadcast on Russia Today's Larry King Now between clips of the ongoing crises in the Ukraine and Gaza, the bowler admitted that he was finding it increasingly difficult to sleep knowing that he couldn't tell pissant touring batsmen what he thought of them, especially those smaller in stature than him. "Look, if you can't tell someone with a dodgy moustache and questionable celebratory sword-wielding skills exactly where to get off, then why bother playing?" asked the bowler in front of a live studio audience. "Why bother living?" he added.

The 80-year-old King later admitted that it had been one of the most difficult and emotionally wrenching episodes he had sat through in his long and distinguished career, and asked to be reminded again who James Anderson was.

Prasad and Srinath rekindle old partnership
Venkatesh Prasad and Javagal Srinath are slated to make their acting debuts in an upcoming Kannada movie. In the film, the two former India opening bowlers partner up to trundle after a bunch of Bad Guys. What lends the film its Rising Action and Conflict is that the Bad Guys for the most part always manage (until an unforced rookie mistake proves their undoing) to get away with murder, so to speak, mainly as a result of their being able to easily outrun the two Indian speedsters, who prove to be just not quite fast enough to do the job.

The movie has already managed to generate some amount of controversy, with word that Aamer Sohail and Saeed Anwar are slated to play the villains of the piece.

Cook resets jawline
Alastair Cook and Peter Moores took time out to redefinine the former's jawline in the lead-up to the third Test, according to reports. The skipper, who has been under fire for poor performances with the bat and for his captaincy, apparently spent time with Moores in the nets trying to work out a few chinks in the lower half of his face.

"We've identified a weakness there," confirmed Moores, who in the past has worked on the roundness of Joe Root's baby face and on Monty Panesar's high-fiving accuracy. "In years past, Cookie's famed superhero jawline has helped him get through many a spot of bother by his simply having to clench it while gazing dreamily off somewhere into the middle distance, but of late our technical team has observed it faltering a tad; it hasn't been as stubbornly pronounced as we would like it to be, given recent events," he said, even as he chipped away at the skipper's face with an industrial-strength rock-chiselling tool. "We're hoping the new, reworked definition of the lower face will hold Cook in good stead for at least a few years more, and that, should calls for his head increase, he'll be better able to use it to obstinately set himself against the world."

R Rajkumar tweets here.
All quotes and "facts" in this piece are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • mtfb on July 28, 2014, 21:57 GMT

    That cap represents everything that was wrong with the old regime. It should be incinerated.

  • Balladeer on July 28, 2014, 8:45 GMT

    Tests not involving ANY of the Big Three? Pshah. Has anyone actually seen one, or are we just going on unsubstantiated rumours? The mainstream cricketing press has given too much time to that conspiracy theorist Haroon Lorgat recently.

  • on July 28, 2014, 6:04 GMT

    I'm a satirist myself but u r of the same class as ashwin s Kumar. too good.

  • mtfb on July 28, 2014, 21:57 GMT

    That cap represents everything that was wrong with the old regime. It should be incinerated.

  • Balladeer on July 28, 2014, 8:45 GMT

    Tests not involving ANY of the Big Three? Pshah. Has anyone actually seen one, or are we just going on unsubstantiated rumours? The mainstream cricketing press has given too much time to that conspiracy theorist Haroon Lorgat recently.

  • on July 28, 2014, 6:04 GMT

    I'm a satirist myself but u r of the same class as ashwin s Kumar. too good.

  • No featured comments at the moment.

  • on July 28, 2014, 6:04 GMT

    I'm a satirist myself but u r of the same class as ashwin s Kumar. too good.

  • Balladeer on July 28, 2014, 8:45 GMT

    Tests not involving ANY of the Big Three? Pshah. Has anyone actually seen one, or are we just going on unsubstantiated rumours? The mainstream cricketing press has given too much time to that conspiracy theorist Haroon Lorgat recently.

  • mtfb on July 28, 2014, 21:57 GMT

    That cap represents everything that was wrong with the old regime. It should be incinerated.