Dave Podmore
Dave Podmore Dave PodmoreRSS FeedFeeds  | Archives
Brought to you by Christopher Douglas, Nick Newman and Andrew Nickolds

On the air, reluctantly

It's a dirty job, being a pundit on the radio, but never let it be said Pod didn't do his bit in an Ashes cause

Dave Podmore

July 31, 2013

Comments: 2 | Text size: A | A

Her Majesty The Queen walks through the long room, England v Australia, 2nd Investec Ashes Test, Lord's, 1st day, July 18, 2013
Ashes fever can affect the noblest of us © Getty Images
Enlarge
Related Links
Teams: England

Like most well-groomed women who take an interest in current affairs, my wife Jacqui was stationed outside St Mary's Hospital during the Lord's Test. I've always encouraged Jacqui in her career, and this was a chance to fill her boots by offering an on-the-spot nail file-and-polish service to the world's attractive media, while perched on stepladders, and also the option of "under-arm perfection" for some of the broadsheet columnists (pain level: moderate).

As a feminist, Dave Podmore has no objection whatsoever to microwaving his own ready meals while the cricket's on (I can't see what's not to like about having totty on the tenners either, though I'll be interested to see if it encourages them to buy a round). But with Jacqui away I was a bit bored and I watched more of the Test than usual. I also read quite a lot about the game online, which was a mistake as it opened the floodgates to about a million cricket bloggers who I'd never heard of. I hadn't realised there were so many blokes without girlfriends out there, attractive or otherwise. But the Ashes overkill didn't stop at that.

After England went past the 10,000 leg-bye milestone on day one, my Twitter timeline showed street parties were springing up all round North London. Having nothing better to do, I went to a couple. I even had an "LB 10K" tat done on my left buttock, although I thought the lass who did it was writing her number, so I felt a bit of a pillock when I got home and saw myself in the wet-room mirrors. Online the Huffington Post was going big on Leg-Bye Fever. It had a story that Myleene Klass had consulted the Association of Cricket Statisticians before having an upside-down triangle cut into her swimsuit. At which point I decided I needed a break from cricket, so I started answering my phones to pretty much anyone, even landlines.

 
 
After England went past the 10,000 leg-bye milestone on day one, my Twitter timeline showed street parties were springing up all round North London. Having nothing better to do, I went to a couple
 

One of the numbers Not Recognised turned out to be TMS, asking me if I'd like to be a guest on the programme. The lad on the phone was one of those awkward college types who I often have to tell to pipe down in curry houses. He sounded like Ed Miliband eating a toffee apple and he made about as much sense too (no wonder Boycs has got a lot of time for the guy). "Going on TMS," said uni-boy, "is a great accolade." Yeah, right. In Pod's experience, when someone uses that phrase it means the money's rubbish and the producer's got himself in the brown stuff over Mr Blobby's availability, or whoever else was on telly 20 years ago.

"I don't want to be unhelpful, son," I said, because I always try to be pleasant to people on the way up, something old Ted Crapp at Derbyshire used to say as he relieved me of another 20 Embassies. "So meet me in the business lounge at London Gateway services with a nice little envelope of readies as an earnest of good faith and we'll talk." He said he couldn't drive. I thought that'd be the last of it but he kept calling back and going on about what a laugh it would be and there'd be free beers all day and we could watch the Mature Babes Channel in 3D if the cricket got boring, and to be fair I started to warm to him. They told me to turn up at a flat in Peckham. I thought, blimey the BBC cutbacks must be worse than they're letting on.

It wasn't till I saw the boxed sets of Spaced and The IT Crowd and the bag of Kettle Chips opened sideways, students-in-pubs style, that I twigged that what I'd stumbled into wasn't Test Match Special but something calling itself Test Match Sofa. All my carefully prepared gags about Beefy backing Mustard and Onions for the England squad gone to waste! Instead I was expected to join in a discussion about whether Klingons or Ewoks would be better at facing Swanny. I was out of there faster than you can say cake. Of which there wasn't any.

But now the weather's broken, thank god, blokes are covering up their beer guts and Jacqui's back with a bum-bag full of cash. Best of all, Ashes fever has gone away, now we look like winning the next eight too. But here's a tip for the Aussies, just to keep some interest going. Jimmy Anderson just did a newspaper interview in return for a plug at the end about test-driving the new Jaguar XFR-S. I know they're a bit behind the curve car-wise Down Under, but there's always bargains to be found in Autotrader, so Pod's suggestion to the Aussie spinners is: get yourself a Morris Minor or Hillman Imp, and sort out who gets the nod by doing three laps of a disused aerodrome. You should have plenty of free time this weekend.

Dave Podmore, holder of more giant cheques than any other cricketer, is the creation of Christopher Douglas, Nick Newman and Andrew Nickolds

RSS Feeds: Dave Podmore

© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Posted by A_Yorkshire_Lad on (August 1, 2013, 12:08 GMT)

Excellent stuff from Pod , as ever ! I imagine that the TMS references are only too true..

How about a contribution from Mr Ed Reardon ?

Posted by   on (August 1, 2013, 5:09 GMT)

Hilarious! However, even if it wasn't, I dont think Dave would care too much.

Comments have now been closed for this article

FeedbackTop
Email Feedback Print
Share
E-mail
Feedback
Print
Dave PodmoreClose
Dave Podmore Now retired as cricket's most nondescript trundler, and record holder for the most sponsored cars in a season, Dave Podmore is tipped to become England's next Twitter coach, combining it with his duties as ambassador for cheapfags@paymonthly dotcom. Pod appears regularly on BBC Radio 4 and is the creation of Christopher Douglas and Andrew Nickolds (also responsible for Ed Reardon's Week), and Sunday Times and Wisden cartoonist Nick Newman.

    Can we do something about monster bats?

Sanjay Manjrekar: Bats are getting chunkier, while not getting too heavy. This gives batsmen an unfair advantage

    The Maxwell phenomenon

Numbers Game: Glenn Maxwell has been outstanding in the T20 format, combining perfectly the art of low dot-ball and high boundary percentage

    Trott's torment

Mark Nicholas: Cricket - batting specifically - defines Jonathan Trott, which makes his continued suffering all the more painful

    'Commentators must stop stating the obvious'

Bowl at Boycs: Geoff Boycott on hyped-up TV coverage, and the appointment of Peter Moores

Moores and the shadow of the past

Jon Hotten: His second spell as England coach might be nothing like his first, but memories of it will hover nevertheless

News | Features Last 7 days

Crunch time for Sehwag and Gambhir

The former Indian openers haven't been shining lately, but the IPL presents an opportunity for them to show their class

England's Pietersen folly

They were making good progress in building a world-class side, but not getting rid of Kevin Pietersen after the texting saga in 2012 cost them greatly

The world record that nearly wasn't

Twenty years ago this week, Brian Lara became Test cricket's highest scorer, but he almost didn't make it

'Sri Lankan fans embrace the team, not just icon players'

Mahela Jayawardene and Kumar Sangakkara go over their World T20 win, and feel grateful to have fans whose support remains unwavering in victory and defeat

The captain's blunder

Plays of the day from the IPL match between Chennai Super Kings and Kings XI Punjab in Abu Dhabi

News | Features Last 7 days

    Test cricket needs fewer teams, not more (88)

    Having the top Associate team play the lowest-ranked Test side without the threat of relegation shows how votes mean more to the ICC than results

    England's Pietersen folly (82)

    They were making good progress in building a world-class side, but not getting rid of Kevin Pietersen after the texting saga in 2012 cost them greatly

    Lara's peaks (36)

    Brian Lara's 375 had a sense of inevitability to it, while the 400 came amid a backdrop of strikes and the threat of a whitewash

    The world record that nearly wasn't (33)

    Twenty years ago this week, Brian Lara became Test cricket's highest scorer, but he almost didn't make it

    Anxiety and torment (26)

    Cricket - batting specifically - defines Jonathan Trott, which makes his continued suffering all the more painful