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Tests of Character
Discover yourself by taking our quizzes
What sort of a sledger would you be?
Warning: asterisks ahead
When a new batsman walks in, you will:
Give him the once-over
Assess his strengths and weaknesses before aiming an incisive blow at his ego
Ask for his Twitter handle and tell him some fun stuff is on his way
Tell him he should wish he was never born
When a batsman hits a six, you will:
Ask him if he dares try that one more time
Thank him for waking up the crowd
Give him a bore-into-the-skull stare
Tell him to check with his mum again if his dad really was an accountant, because judging by the strength of his arms, it's more likely the local butcher is his father
How will you react if a batsman refuses to walk after a clear edge?
Say "Bravo, spirit of cricket" with air quotes
Call him a f****** cheat
Stand nose to nose till he breaks and confesses
Tell him a knock-knock joke
If an opposition player threatens physical violence, you will:
Say, "Not the face, it's too pretty"
Ask what the terms of his health insurance coverage are
Beat him senseless
Raise an eyebrow
Will you mouth off once the umpires have intervened?
No. But I'd ask if they'd like to place bets on how each of the warring parties will get fined
It would never come to that
No. But I'd tell them about the other guy's previous brushes with authority
Yeah, if they don't make him apologise to me, I will
If an opposition player shoulder-barges you and pretends it was an accident, you will:
Chase him with a bat
Trip him, tread on his foot, throw the ball at him instead of the stumps, and claim those were all accidents
Ask the ump to test him for the banned substance called sneakiness
Check to see if he dislocated his shoulder
What will you do if the opposition captain says he'll make you grovel?
Win the match and the series
Win the match and the series and send him a batch of humble pie
Make him grovel
Show him your dictionary, which doesn't have the word "grovel"
What would you do if an opposition player predicts a 5-0 win for his team, and you then go on to whitewash them?
Ask him to sue the company that sold him his Predictometer
Why should I do anything? We won
Sign him up for Sledging 101
Buy a copy of every article that published his prediction, make 1000 copies each and post them to his house every day for the rest of his life
While sharing breakfast with a member of the opposition, what will you do if he leaves his tea unattended for a few minutes?
Piss in it
Ask for it to be warmed up before he returns
Do nothing. But once he returns and drinks it, ask him if he enjoyed his tea and then wink
Add some Tabasco to it and film his reaction on drinking it, for your documentary
Is it okay to bring family into a sledge?
There are better ways to make a player quail in his boots
It's a rough game. Anything goes
God wouldn't object, I'm sure
No, my mum wouldn't like to cuss strangers
Does Stuart Broad qualify as a sledger?
Broad sledges? Thought he only pouts
Yes, when he dresses up as Santa for the Christmas panto
He's just a namby-pamby fancy-pants daddy's boy
Not yet. But it's a skill that can be taught. My book will be out soon
More in Page 2
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A Birmingham hat-trick
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Eden Gardens turns on the magic again
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Don't see myself making a WI comeback - Dwayne Bravo
England query Stoneman dismissal with match referee
Smith's fastest Test ton leads Australia's progress
'Club cricket toughened me up' - Gary Neville
Jadeja hits six sixes in an over, 154 off 69 in SCA district tournament
How Bangladesh is finding and developing its talent
Mustafizur, Mosaddek, Mehidy, Nazmul - where did they all come from? By
It's time to rediscover Test-match batting
England's recklessness in the name of positivity is a sign that the art of batting in the longest format is no longer given due attention
Is it possible for a Pakistani to be a fan of Ian Botham?
The Cricket Monthly
Nottingham's the charm
On tour in the UK,
witnesses a fine comeback, visits the country's oldest pub, and squeezes in some yoga lessons
Trisha Chetty's legacy in the making
An inspiration in Mark Boucher got her to focus on her wicketkeeping. Today, she's a record-holder - and wants to go further
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