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What sort of a sledger would you be?

Warning: asterisks ahead

1. When a new batsman walks in, you will:

	Give him the once-over
	Assess his strengths and weaknesses before aiming an incisive blow at his ego
	Ask for his Twitter handle and tell him some fun stuff is on his way
	Tell him he should wish he was never born

2. When a batsman hits a six, you will:

	Ask him if he dares try that one more time
	Thank him for waking up the crowd
	Give him a bore-into-the-skull stare
	Tell him to check with his mum again if his dad really was an accountant, because judging by the strength of his arms, it's more likely the local butcher is his father

3. How will you react if a batsman refuses to walk after a clear edge?

	Say "Bravo, spirit of cricket" with air quotes
	Call him a f****** cheat
	Stand nose to nose till he breaks and confesses
	Tell him a knock-knock joke

4. If an opposition player threatens physical violence, you will:

	Say, "Not the face, it's too pretty"
	Ask what the terms of his health insurance coverage are
	Beat him senseless
	Raise an eyebrow

5. Will you mouth off once the umpires have intervened?

	No. But I'd ask if they'd like to place bets on how each of the warring parties will get fined
	It would never come to that
	No. But I'd tell them about the other guy's previous brushes with authority
	Yeah, if they don't make him apologise to me, I will

6. If an opposition player shoulder-barges you and pretends it was an accident, you will:

	Chase him with a bat
	Trip him, tread on his foot, throw the ball at him instead of the stumps, and claim those were all accidents
	Ask the ump to test him for the banned substance called sneakiness
	Check to see if he dislocated his shoulder

7. What will you do if the opposition captain says he'll make you grovel?

	Win the match and the series
	Win the match and the series and send him a batch of humble pie
	Make him grovel
	Show him your dictionary, which doesn't have the word "grovel"

8. What would you do if an opposition player predicts a 5-0 win for his team, and you then go on to whitewash them?

	Ask him to sue the company that sold him his Predictometer
	Why should I do anything? We won
	Sign him up for Sledging 101
	Buy a copy of every article that published his prediction, make 1000 copies each and post them to his house every day for the rest of his life

9. While sharing breakfast with a member of the opposition, what will you do if he leaves his tea unattended for a few minutes?

	Piss in it
	Ask for it to be warmed up before he returns
	Do nothing. But once he returns and drinks it, ask him if he enjoyed his tea and then wink
	Add some Tabasco to it and film his reaction on drinking it, for your documentary

10. Is it okay to bring family into a sledge?

	There are better ways to make a player quail in his boots
	It's a rough game. Anything goes
	God wouldn't object, I'm sure
	No, my mum wouldn't like to cuss strangers

11. Does Stuart Broad qualify as a sledger?

	Broad sledges? Thought he only pouts
	Yes, when he dresses up as Santa for the Christmas panto
	He's just a namby-pamby fancy-pants daddy's boy
	Not yet. But it's a skill that can be taught. My book will be out soon

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