Betting with an orthodontic device
Pakistan's players (and high commissioner) do what they usually do - deny news, apologise for others, and get into fights
Alan Tyers
06-Sep-2010
Wayne Rooney curses his luck when he realises even the most outrageous scandals in Pakistan cricket can't keep his misdemeanours off the front pages • Getty Images
Ladbrokes, Cardiff
"Well," said Salman Butt. "At least Wayne Rooney kept us off some of the front pages."
"That was a set-up," shouted the High Commissioner. "Poor old Wayne's trousers fell down and he just happened to land on top of that lady while a large sum of money coincidentally slipped out of his wallet into her handbag.
"It's all a massive conspiracy. And it's racist, that's what it is, because he's a Scouser. He's been fitted up. They're all in on it, you know: the ICC, the papers, the government, Dick Cheney, Miley Cyrus. It's all wheels within wheels."
The High Commissioner was eventually ushered out and his "FREE THE MANCHESTER UNITED ONE" banner roughly removed. The High Commissioner's tin foil hat fell off and he began to jibber.
"May I just apologise," said Shahid Afridi, "for the despicable behaviour of the High Commissioner, who has brought immeasurable shame upon the entire human race with his antics.
"It is with a heavy heart that I make this announcement on his behalf, which is what he would have wanted, probably, although I never asked him, but he would have wanted me to make myself look like a great fellow by comparison. I mean, to make this announcement so that we can all draw a line under this unpleasant matter."
"Mggh mggggh mgggghh mgggh," said Kamran Akmal.
"Oh, someone take that mobile phone out of Kami's mouth," said Salman.
"Sorry, skipper, it was the only place I could stow one. I told them it was an orthodontic device for me teeth."
"Anyway," continued the keeper. "I want to know what Yasir Hameed reckons he was playing at with those quotes."
"I never said them things," shouted Yasir. "That bit about me being a Test-class batsman. Come on. I'm not mad."
"You've made us all look like a bunch of total idiots," shouted Akmal. "Now we're all going to catch massive bans."
"Oh you'd only drop yours, anyway, you goofy little tw--"
They began to fight.
"I'll have a tenner on the short guy," said Mohammad Asif.
"Tell you what," said Salman. "Chuck us that phone and I'll see what we can do."
Alan Tyers is a freelance journalist based in London. All the quotes and "facts" in this article are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)