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Dear Mr Jayasuriya,
In April 2010 you were elected to office as the Member of Parliament for the Matara district, in which I live. At the time you were full of promises and the electorate was full of hope for you.
"I'd like to give back to society," you said. "Man of the people," said we, in turn.
However, over the last year and a bit, there have been a few things bothering the people of Matara. You seemed completely preoccupied.
First there was the World Twenty20 brouhaha - you left for three weeks, scored about two runs, and then returned. It must have been the least productive foreign visit in the history of politics, but we were willing to cut you a break. Then there was the awkwardness of the campaign to be included in the World Cup squad. It didn't end well for you, but we stuck in there. Finally there was the trip to England for your farewell game, which we were overjoyed about because we thought you'd finally stop worrying about cricket and focus on your political duties.
But now we find that you're doing television commentary for the home series against Australia. Have you completely forgotten that you are an MP? This is very distressing for your constituents. I won't go down the cynic's path of claiming the only vaguely political thing you have done in the last 15 months is to get yourself in the cricket team (or the commentary box). But I will now present a list of things you have done in your role as MP that signalled to the people of Matara that your mind is focused on only one thing:
1) Begun every public address with the phrase "Really proud of the way the boys performed".
2) Stipulated that only one other person could ever be in a meeting with you because you felt much more comfortable when there was no third man.
3) Built 15 new libraries the week after you finished building more than enough libraries for the electorate, because you "really wanted to cash in while you were in good library-building form".
4) Told adolescents at a suicide-prevention rally that whenever things got really tough for you, you looked to cut and that made you feel loads better.
5) Flew to engagements in an helicopter even when they were a few hundred metres away, because you have a preference for "going aerial" and never considered yourself "much of a driver".
6) Attempted to psyche out your political opponent in a debate by drawing attention to his questionable fitness and poor running.
7) Celebrated your 100th day in office by walking around holding your bat aloft wearing a satisfied grin.
8) Sacked your secretary when she gained a few pounds during her pregnancy, because she was "short and wide and needed to go".
9) Took a middle-stump guard when you got to your office each morning.
10) Sent out a newsletter to struggling growers and producers in your area, entitled, "A few tips on how to successfully farm the strike".
11) Attempted to curb a malaria outbreak in your electorate by building a massive cricket training facility. Wrong kind of nets, Mr Jayasuriya.
12) When asked what your plan was for dealing with your opponents' policies, said you'd "look to dominate them early and force them out of the attack".
13) Repeatedly adjusted your crotch guard in the presence of foreign dignitaries.
14) Declared "juicy full-toss" the official fruit for your district.
...and that's just off the top of my head.
There are plenty of positions in Sri Lanka Cricket for someone as passionate about the sport as you are. If you really fancy a political career, there's plenty of that going on at the SLC too.
I would just like you to consider what you really want to do before you run for office again.
A disgruntled Matara resident
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