This, that and the other. Mostly the other
T&T sports minister discovers new species of animal
The Trinidad and Tobago sports minister, who recently declared that he had no doubt his star cricketers would choose to play for their country over their respective IPL teams, confirmed yesterday that the strange creature he had seen flying outside his window the other night was, in fact, a pig. "You'd be surprised at how graceful they are," said the minister, before retiring to his room to check once more if the tooth fairy had left him a dollar for the premolar he'd left there as a child, a charming habit he has had since the age of four.
"The tweets are coming from inside the dressing room. Get out now"
While ESPNcricinfo has been able to confirm that the tweets issuing from the @KevPietersen24 parody account that has so irked Kevin Pietersen are not coming from the England dressing room, there is still some doubt as to whether the same can be said for the other, even more hilarious, Kevin Pietersen parody account: the verified @kevinpp24 one, blue tick and all.
"Honestly thought there was an 'i' in 'team'" - Pietersen
In related news, KP has revealed that the reason he has been so demanding of late is that he thought the word "team" was spelled like his own last name, with an "i" before "e". "It was an honest mistake," explained Pietersen. "Now that I know there's no 'i' in 'team', I'll be sure to play less for myself and more for my... nation. Well, well, well. I think I just found a new favourite word."
RCB to pay players in free airline miles
Royal Challengers Bangalore have decided to settle outstanding payments to some of their players with free airline miles from the Vijay Mallya-owned Kingfisher Airlines. According to a spokesman for the airline, players can travel free to any destination of their choice, with the caveat that the airline reserves the right to abruptly rebrand itself "Dodo Air" and choose "not to fly any god**mn where".
Meanwhile, there have been reports that some RCB players, unhappy with Chris Gayle being "looked after separately", have complained about discrimination. "Chris gets his own gold-inlaid water fountain in the dressing room," said Daniel Vettori, one of many players who is not Chris Gayle in the RCB team, and therefore not yet paid. "Hell, he gets his own gold-inlaid dressing room."
When asked to comment on the numerous problems facing the franchise owned by his father, Sidhartha Mallya reset his jawline and twitched at the camera.
"Mongrel" Morkel shops for wifebeater
Mr Morne Morkel, hitherto known as a gentleman par excellence both on the field and off, was recently hailed by Allan Donald for his newly developed "mongrel" spirit. But not even Donald, who in his day was a pitbull of a mongrel himself - if such a thing exists - could have anticipated the effect his words would have on his star bowler. Morkel was recently spotted shopping for a wifebeater at a charity shop in London. When paparazzi approached him, the fast bowler flattened his ears, bared his canines and growled from deep within his belly, where it is said his spirit animal, a cross between a Rottweiler and Andre Nel, resides.
Why Waqar Younis was overlooked for the Australia job
Cricket Australia explained its decision to overlook Waqar Younis for the position of bowling coach. "We were looking for someone with that je ne sais quoi - the X-factor," said Cricket Australia performance manager, Pat Howard. "And we think Ali de Winter fits that role perfectly. He's so X-factor that no one knows who he is. He's probably French for all we know. I'm serious, I've never even heard of him. Yeah, it doesn't get any more X-factor than that. That is what X-factor means, right? Guys?"
Why Rohit Sharma should be given more chances
In what should come as reassuring news to Rohit Sharma, the selectors have confirmed that he will continue to be picked for the national team as long as he continues to look like he belongs at the top level, regardless of whether he actually translates that belonging into results. "No one, and I mean no one, looks like he belongs in top-flight cricket the way young Rohit does," said Kris Srikkanth. "Sure, we could pick more deserving batsmen like Ambati Rayudu in his place, but it wouldn't be the same. Even if he were to score more runs than Rohit, Ambati simply wouldn't ooze the kind of unrealised potential that Rohit does during his customary five minutes at the crease. To be fair, though, Rohit has had more practice. He's been looking the part for many years now."
R Rajkumar tweets here
All quotes and some "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
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