Why the Indians won't play in the SLPL
We got our hands on a letter that reveals all
Andrew Fernando
07-Aug-2011
In June the BCCI cited concerns over player contracts as the reason for withholding their support for the Sri Lanka Premier League. Sri Lanka Cricket promptly informed the BCCI that their concerns were unfounded and that all the paperwork was in order. The BCCI then responded by sending a letter outlining the real reasons they wouldn't back the tournament. Our sources have leaked this letter to us. Here it is in its entirety.
Dear Sri Lanka Cricket,
Let's just cut the bullshit. We kicked up a public fuss about player contracts, but we both know that wasn't the real reason we refused to allow our players to play in the Sri Lankan Premier League. The thing is, we would be too embarrassed to be associated with your half-assed imitation of our tournament. Below are just a few reasons why it sucks.
Elderly cricketers
Firstly, what is your obsession with having ancient players in your teams? Dan Vettori and Chris Gayle are on the wrong side of 30, but we'll give you that. Murali and Herschelle Gibbs shouldn't really be playing anymore, but fine, we'll allow it at a stretch. But Jayasuriya? Isn't he about 45 now? That's like 170 in cricket years. Have a heart and turn off the life support already! No one wants to see old Sanath startled from his grandpa nap on the balcony in the middle of the game to rise dazedly and yell things like, "I thought I told you kids not to play on my lawn!" It's just mean to put him through that.
Firstly, what is your obsession with having ancient players in your teams? Dan Vettori and Chris Gayle are on the wrong side of 30, but we'll give you that. Murali and Herschelle Gibbs shouldn't really be playing anymore, but fine, we'll allow it at a stretch. But Jayasuriya? Isn't he about 45 now? That's like 170 in cricket years. Have a heart and turn off the life support already! No one wants to see old Sanath startled from his grandpa nap on the balcony in the middle of the game to rise dazedly and yell things like, "I thought I told you kids not to play on my lawn!" It's just mean to put him through that.
Lack of advertising and sponsors
I assume you actually want to make money off this, right? Then tell us why on earth haven't you nailed down a major sponsor four weeks before the tournament is to start? Even if you had sponsors, no one could have known about it because their names are not surgically fitted onto the tournament's. Do we have to teach you everything? Our competition has been the DLF IPL since before Irfan Pathan became terrible. That's not even its official full name. As far as most of our sponsors know, it's the DLFToyotaUnileverExxon-Valdezoilspill IPL. It's a disgrace to us to be connected with a cricket tournament that isn't all about the unbridled desire to squeeze out as much money as possible.
I assume you actually want to make money off this, right? Then tell us why on earth haven't you nailed down a major sponsor four weeks before the tournament is to start? Even if you had sponsors, no one could have known about it because their names are not surgically fitted onto the tournament's. Do we have to teach you everything? Our competition has been the DLF IPL since before Irfan Pathan became terrible. That's not even its official full name. As far as most of our sponsors know, it's the DLFToyotaUnileverExxon-Valdezoilspill IPL. It's a disgrace to us to be connected with a cricket tournament that isn't all about the unbridled desire to squeeze out as much money as possible.
Pakistani involvement
Why do you continue to try to be best friends with Pakistan? The way the PCB works (or doesn't work), the best other cricket boards can do is to stay as far away from the chaos as possible. It's the only cricket board more messed up than you. Are you trying to merge together to form some sort of gigantic super screw-up of a cricket board?
Why do you continue to try to be best friends with Pakistan? The way the PCB works (or doesn't work), the best other cricket boards can do is to stay as far away from the chaos as possible. It's the only cricket board more messed up than you. Are you trying to merge together to form some sort of gigantic super screw-up of a cricket board?
Sissy team names
One of the teams was to be called the Uva Unicorns. Did a seven-year-old girl name these teams? You know the names don't have to make sense, right? Do you have any idea what Royal Challengers are? No! No one does. But as long as they're not called the Bangalore Fairy Princess XI, no one cares.
One of the teams was to be called the Uva Unicorns. Did a seven-year-old girl name these teams? You know the names don't have to make sense, right? Do you have any idea what Royal Challengers are? No! No one does. But as long as they're not called the Bangalore Fairy Princess XI, no one cares.
Seriously, can you imagine if your Unicorns made it to the Champions League and had to play teams called the Victorian Bushrangers or the South Australian Redbacks? Judging by the name, these are guys who are either very sunburnt or have backs that are permanently on fire. No one wants to see your Unicorns ripped to pieces by a bunch of flaming Australians who are pissed off because they fell asleep shirtless on the beach again.
All-round incompetence
Across the globe, cricket boards are being increasingly criticised for introducing and expanding lucrative Twenty20 leagues at the expense of first-class cricket. These things are so easy to sell to the public and they make money by the truckloads. You guys somehow managed to implode financially by hosting a World Cup (generally something that's a boon to the coffers, rather than a drain - but hey, that's a bollocking for another day). And now, you've managed to stuff up one of the surest ways to make wads of quick money in the cricket universe. Nice job, morons.
Across the globe, cricket boards are being increasingly criticised for introducing and expanding lucrative Twenty20 leagues at the expense of first-class cricket. These things are so easy to sell to the public and they make money by the truckloads. You guys somehow managed to implode financially by hosting a World Cup (generally something that's a boon to the coffers, rather than a drain - but hey, that's a bollocking for another day). And now, you've managed to stuff up one of the surest ways to make wads of quick money in the cricket universe. Nice job, morons.
Sincerely,
The BCCI
PS: We know we said you couldn't have any of our players for the tournament, but if you want Irfan Pathan, you can have him.
Andrew Fernando writes for The Pigeon and has a column here. All "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?