An insider's guide to the wacky world of Indian fans

Over the years, like many of you, I have been alternately exhilarated and exasperated by the reader’s response section at Cricinfo. It is a cauldron of emotion, over-reaction, jingoism, flames, and for all that, also an entertaining theatre showcasing the culture of sports in the different cricket-playing countries of the world. Based on a completely unscientific methodology - impressionism - and a nice single-malt to loosen up the writing muscles, I now offer my typology of Indian cricket fans.

First, we have the Capitalist. Forget about Marx, markets and modes of production, this Capitalist believes in dealing only in capital letters. His first act on getting onto his computer is to hit the “Caps Lock” key. He is blissfully unaware that (a) this is the equivalent of shouting at the top of your voice, and (b) most readers immediately, and quite sensibly, skip his post altogether. The Capitalist’s most used punctuation mark is the exclamation point and he uses every one of the 500 words allotted to him per post.

Second, we come to the Dadaist. Invariably from Bengal, or a part of the worldwide Bengali diaspora, for him life and cricket revolves around Maharaj, his beloved Dada - Sourav Ganguly. The Dadaist is notoriously thin-skinned about any insult, real or perceived, directed against Ganguly and cannot understand how the rest of the nation, or indeed the world, can be blind to the fact that Dada is the greatest player/captain ever to play the game.

Third, we have the Extremist. This is a man who scales the highest peaks of ecstasy when India win and plumbs the deepest oceans when they lose. He is given to highly eccentric suggestions: when India win, this fan will demand that Dhoni and the entire team be awarded both the Bharat Ratna and the Nobel, and will hail the current team as the greatest ever (never mind that the victory was achieved after five days of huffing and puffing to beat the Bangladesh B team). Conversely, after every loss, this same fan will demand the entire team be sacked, all their earnings repossessed, everyone boycott the products endorsed by the team members, and India quit playing cricket and focus on field hockey/kabaddi/gilli-danda as the latter is the “real” national game in any case. The Extremist often ends his posts-after-defeat with an impassioned statement that he will no longer be following cricket in any form. Fortunately for the rest of us, he is usually back in strong voice very soon after.

Fourth, we have the OCS (the Obsessive-Compulsive Sachinist). Irrespective of context, this fan’s sole purpose in life is to convince the rest of us that “Sachin is God". In an article on the growing popularity of cricket in Papua New Guinea, the OCS will surface in the Comments section demanding to know why Sachin’s contributions in this regard have been ignored. Any article that praises the batting of Ponting, Lara, Dravid, or Kallis is the equivalent of showing a red rag to a bull as far as the OCS is concerned. There is a substantial degree of overlap between the OCS and Capitalist. I often wonder what the average OCS is going to do once Sachin retires from cricket. Get a life, possibly.

Fifth is the Nostalgist. This species of Indian fans looks for solutions to contemporary woes in “unfairly” discarded players. Need a brilliant allrounder to take over that pesky spot No. 7? Why, the obvious answer is: Ajit Agarkar. Your current fast bowling spearhead is as blunt as a block of cheese? Bring on Debasis Mohanty. Your opener has a bat with all edges and no middle? Welcome back Devang Gandhi. Sometimes his suggested remedies include cricketers who have gracefully retired from the game (bring Paras Mhambrey back now) or even dead ones (how about Ambar Roy to settle that skittish middle order?).

Sixth is the Conspiracy Theorist.Nothing is ever quite as simple as it seems, according to this fan. All selections and exclusions can be explained on regional considerations. If Dinesh Karthik is picked as Dhoni’s understudy, it must be because Srikkanth, the chair of the selection committee, is a fellow-Tamil. If Abhimanyu Mithun is picked as the fast bowler, it must be because Srikkanth is a fellow-Southie. The Conspiracy Theorist is unfazed by contradictory evidence (I wonder if S Badrinath or Murali Kartik sometimes wish Cheeka did pick fellow-Tamils - they might get a look-in if he did!) Perhaps the main weakness of the CT is his very effort to logically explain something that all-too-often defies logic – India’s selection policies. Even the most committed of CTs threw in the towel recently when faced with explaining how someone called Wriddhiman Saha, a specialist wicketkeeper, made his Test debut- but played as a middle-order batsman.

And finally, the Agent Provocateur: This category of Indian fans is perhaps the least likeable for the sole reason he seems to follow cricket is to gloat over his neighbour’s misery. The AP often gives away the game by his choice of nom-de-plume: Inzi-the-alu, or Shoaib-Chucker, or Afridi-Ballchewer isn’t exactly going to win you points for subtlety. The AP will weigh in with anti-Pakistani comments irrespective of context and lurks on cricket sites the world over, and he especially loves needling Pakistan fans at times such as these with his holier-than-thou homilies. AP’s energetic postings are invariably brought down to earth by someone from the “other” side pointing out that in every form of the game, Pakistan’s record excels India's by a fairly handy margin.

When all is said and done, the wacky Indian cricket fans should be viewed with a degree of indulgence and detachment. They obviously love and care about the game. So, they are a bit intemperate in their judgment, often let their emotions run away with them, some of them are clearly a banana or two short of a full bunch, and they can be shrill and irritating. But before you occupy the high ground and disdain them, just remember that their passion drives the game today - and, more importantly, there is a bit of the wacky Indian fan in each one of us.