The Heavy Ball

Like many other people I too watched the recent Euro 2012 group match between Sweden and England. It was a marginally exciting match that ended 3-2 in favour of the English, despite the English having pretty much scored all five goals.

But then that is the madness of football for you. Can Lasith Malinga take a wicket for New Zealand? Of course not. Can Sachin Tendulkar score a century for Sri Lanka? Probably not, but I am not waiting to find out. Can Azhar Mahmood turn up to play for England?

Surely you get my point.

Both Dessie and I have been dismayed by the recent spate of England players moaning about the amount of cricket they are compelled to play. For Dessie, who played hours of cricket every day from the age at which he was old enough to stand - and often, post-lunch, unable to stand - it has been simply mystifying.

"Do you know Major," he said to me as we menaced Nick Knight out of his lunch money around the back of the Edgbaston pavilion. "It is this unmanly carrying-on about missing the birth of children that I find most unfathomable."

Giving Knight a Chinese burn and a warning to bring his credit cards next time, I sent him on his way and told Dessie that I quite agreed.

The busy man
Shane Warne's been rushed off his feet this week.

DNA of spin bowlers to be cryo-preserved in Nordic storage vault
Following the ICC's recent move to further limit the number of fielders allowed outside the 30-yard circle in Twenty20 matches, the ever-magnanimous and forward-thinking nation of Norway has proposed adding an extra wing to its famed Svalbard Global Seed Vault. In place of seeds, the Müttiāh Mürælïtharan wing of the state-funded project will store the DNA of spin bowlers of every existing variation, as insurance against their possible extinction. South African spinner Paul "Gogga" Adams, who holds the distinction of being the only bowler in the world with his own bowling category ("Left-arm WTF"), has been chosen to curate the project.

IPL window found broken
The much-discussed IPL window has been found broken by vandals, according to reports coming in from BCCI headquarters. "Someone threw a stone from what appeared to be a passing glass house," said IPL commissioner Rajiv Shukla. "I don't want to cast aspersions or make any libellous allegations at this stage. We'll just let the investigation take its course, which no doubt will point to incontrovertible proof that hired goons by the ECB and/or ICC are responsible for this act of sabotage." Mr Shukla went on to say that the incident had only deepened the resolve of the BCCI to get the ICC to allot the IPL its own window, and that otherwise, "the terrorists win".

Chris Gayle back in West Indies team
Just what it says in the headline.

The comeback
Kevin Pietersen came out of retirement this week. He's still not playing one-day internationals, but he did risk the England team's credit card roulette again. If you're not familiar with this game, all you need to know is that the loser pays for dinner. Unsurprisingly, fortune frowned on Kev. After reluctantly footing the bill, he immediately retired once again. But was there any swearing? Matt Prior was our man at the scene.

To - Kumar Sangakkara
Subject - Good food

Dear Kumar,

I switched off the television. I began a strongly worded letter urging Sky Sports News presenter Charlie Webster (a female) to change her name to something more feminine-sounding, like a Virginia, a Persephone or a Ravi. Since what their legal counsel described as "my relentless, unnecessarily cruel personal campaign" against so-called Sam Matterface, Sky refuse to take my phone calls or read out my "tweets" on air. Indeed, they insist my attempts to contact them are in contravention of the restraining order taken out by the coward Matterface. I said at the time I doubted that great British lions like the Duke of Wellington, Douglas Jardine or Annie Lennox would have allowed a squit like Matterface and his legal team to tell them to get their tanks off his lawn, and I shouldn't stand for it either.

However, I digress. Today I could not even work up the requisite righteous indignation to complete the letter. Sky Sports News, you see, had revealed a most splendid development, and my spirits were extremely high.

I turned to Dessie.

Do you find yourself flailing uselessly in the meaningless void your life has suddenly become? Are you someone who comes home after a hard day's work only to find the healthy, loving relationship you thought you had with your television set suddenly snapped? Do you spend increasing amounts of time in a foetal position under your bed, with the lights off and your thumb in your mouth?

If you suffer from any or all of these symptoms (or even if it's only that you've started to suddenly pressure your partner to perform acts in bed that he or she may not be comfortable with, with what you've started to refer to as the "switch hit"), chances are that you are afflicted with Post-IPL Depression. Also known as Anti-Climactic Stress Disorder, this crippling seasonal disease tends to strike when the weather starts to change, the air is full of allergy-inducing pollens, and Chris Gayle packs his bag and leaves India in search of his next assignment.

First, the bad news: this is a serious condition, which, if left untreated, can lead to a markedly decreased quality of life, including an extra strain on relationships already compromised while the IPL was being telecast. Victims have been known to be irritable and testy, having developed a Tourette's-like tendency to add phrases like "Karbonn Kamaal" and "DLF Maximum" to every goddamn Citi Moment of Success sentence they utter. In rare cases the condition may be fatal.

The eating disorder
How do you know when it was a good barbecue?