Stuart: Jones to Uthappa. Edged and... oh my word!

Ash: That's something you don't see every day.

Stuart: Bermuda's Dwayne Leverock has defied gravity and taken an astonishing catch at slip.

Ash: Gravity won't be happy about that, Stu.

Stuart: It certainly won't, Ash. Gravity couldn't hold Leverock and nor could his relaxed attitude to physical fitness.

Ash: He's a porker and no mistake.

Stuart: Heavily built and well-padded...

Ash: A right fatty.

Stuart: ... Leverock nevertheless soared like a… what kind of bird did he most resemble then, Ash?

Ash: A fat one.

Stuart: He soared like an osprey.

Ash: He's more like a chicken. You know how they do that sort of fluttering half-flight thing?

Stuart: Be fair, Ash. He flew then. What's the heaviest flying bird?

(Muffled speech)

Stuart: Gordon says it's the Great Bustard.

Ash: He's a great fat bustard.

Stuart: Don't be unkind. He showed rare agility to snaffle that catch and a surprising turn of speed when celebrating it. He's got the body of a hippopotamus and the legs of a gazelle.

Ash: That wouldn't work, Stu.

Stuart: What do you mean?

Ash: Well, the legs of a gazelle only really work the way they do on gazelles. The body of a hippopotamus is a great deal heavier. Gazelle legs couldn't even support it, let alone launch it into the air.

Stuart: I was just trying to describe what happened, Ash.

Ash: It's strength-to-weight ratios, Stu. The gazelle's lighter body plays just as big a part in its ability to leap as the muscles in its legs.

Stuart: Okay, well, anyway...

Ash: I know what you were trying to say, but the truth is that a hippopotamus has extraordinary leg strength. It has to in order to support its gargantuan frame.

Stuart: Right, well...

Ash: That's the way evolution works, Stu. Animals' body parts are fit for purpose. You can't just go around gluing together bits of different animals to make some sort of super beast.

Stuart: Well, quite.

Ash: But if you were to try and describe Leverock's catch in this way, you should have left yourself room for manoeuvre. There isn't really any animal with legs strong enough to launch a hippo into the air. However, if you'd started with a smaller animal, you could have got away with it.

Stuart: I was just making a reference to his size.

Ash: Yeah, but you could have used a smaller animal which still seemed unathletic - like a pot-bellied pig or something.

Stuart: Are you calling Bermuda's Dwayne Leverock a pot-bellied pig?

Ash: Actually, pigs are pretty big too. Maybe a baby one.

Stuart: You're calling Leverock a baby pot-bellied pig?

Ash: No, that's just the body. For the legs, I'll go with something strong and agile, like a tiger. A tiger's legs would be strong enough to get a pot-bellied pig into the air, wouldn't they?

Stuart: A baby one, certainly.

Ash: There you go then. The way Dwayne Leverock took that catch, it was like he had the body of a baby pot-bellied pig and the legs of an adult tiger.

Stuart: Very evocative.

Alex Bowden blogs at King Cricket.
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?