The Index
How to survive the review system
No rude gestures, no trust, no sweat: a handy guide to the UDRS for cricketers everywhere
Jarrod Kimber
01-Jan-2010
You can't exploit the system unless you understand the system. I learnt that as a teenager when trying to get free stuff at McDonalds. The Umpire Decision Review System, or UDRS as the kids call it, can be exploited, but you have to learn the tricks.
Learn what "obvious" means
The UDRS has been brought in to correct obvious mistakes, like Nathan Bracken's hair. The word obvious has different connotations for different people. Obvious can mean, "Hmmm, I'm not sure, eeny meeny miny moe" for one umpire, and for others it means, "I need to be able to see that a truck can drive between bat and ball."
The UDRS has been brought in to correct obvious mistakes, like Nathan Bracken's hair. The word obvious has different connotations for different people. Obvious can mean, "Hmmm, I'm not sure, eeny meeny miny moe" for one umpire, and for others it means, "I need to be able to see that a truck can drive between bat and ball."
Know your third umpire
If Asad Rauf or Daryl Harper are in the chair, you know any review could come back. It is always worth rolling the dice. If you have someone like Amiesh Saheba in the chair, he is a stickler for enforcing the letter of the law and that might bum you out; steer clear of hopeful reviews with him.
Full postIf Asad Rauf or Daryl Harper are in the chair, you know any review could come back. It is always worth rolling the dice. If you have someone like Amiesh Saheba in the chair, he is a stickler for enforcing the letter of the law and that might bum you out; steer clear of hopeful reviews with him.
Tap, scratch, dig
Jonathan Trott has made few friends in the South African team by spending an eternity taking guard. Here's a list of lesser-known, practically unknown, guard-takers
Alex Bowden
29-Dec-2009
Herbert Tweed, Gloucestershire
During the fifties, Tweed was known for his idiosyncratic habit of taking guard four feet outside leg stump. As the bowler ran in, so did Tweed. His tactic was largely successful until canny bowlers realised that the slower ball was his Achilles heel. As the ball hung in the air, Tweed would fly across the pitch and into the off side, his momentum leaving his stumps undefended.
During the fifties, Tweed was known for his idiosyncratic habit of taking guard four feet outside leg stump. As the bowler ran in, so did Tweed. His tactic was largely successful until canny bowlers realised that the slower ball was his Achilles heel. As the ball hung in the air, Tweed would fly across the pitch and into the off side, his momentum leaving his stumps undefended.
Dr Edmund Hart-Burnett, Cambridge University
A professor of mathematics, Hart-Burnett was responsible for some of the most complex guards ever taken. Not content with merely aligning his stance with a certain stump, he would make all manner of calculations based on the type of bowling and the field placings, and would then create all manner of lines and circles in front of the stumps as part of this process. The fact that he was hopelessly uncoordinated never deterred him, and he was known to stop the bowler during his run-up on occasion because the wind had changed direction.
A professor of mathematics, Hart-Burnett was responsible for some of the most complex guards ever taken. Not content with merely aligning his stance with a certain stump, he would make all manner of calculations based on the type of bowling and the field placings, and would then create all manner of lines and circles in front of the stumps as part of this process. The fact that he was hopelessly uncoordinated never deterred him, and he was known to stop the bowler during his run-up on occasion because the wind had changed direction.
Albert Langford, South Australia
Langford was a strong, earnest man. When taking guard, he would scratch at the pitch with his bat forcefully and at length until there was a clear enough mark to last the entire day. Langford was also a superstitious man and would never discard a bat unless he had to. His career unfortunately ended prematurely. By his early thirties he was unable to score a run due to the fact that his lucky bat had been worn down to such an extent there was barely six inches of blade remaining beneath the handle.
Full postLangford was a strong, earnest man. When taking guard, he would scratch at the pitch with his bat forcefully and at length until there was a clear enough mark to last the entire day. Langford was also a superstitious man and would never discard a bat unless he had to. His career unfortunately ended prematurely. By his early thirties he was unable to score a run due to the fact that his lucky bat had been worn down to such an extent there was barely six inches of blade remaining beneath the handle.
They're playing our song
An XI of tunes that are - unbeknownst to us - actually about cricket and cricketers
S Aga
11-Nov-2009
"When I'm 64", The Beatles
The great Geoffrey Boycott adopted this one as his theme tune early, realising how perceptive it was about his approach at the crease. As in, "When I'm 64, you better be on your guard, miserable non-striker fellow. I'm only 36 away from that hundred, and don't you be doing anything to put me wicket at risk, like calling for a foolish run or owt."
The great Geoffrey Boycott adopted this one as his theme tune early, realising how perceptive it was about his approach at the crease. As in, "When I'm 64, you better be on your guard, miserable non-striker fellow. I'm only 36 away from that hundred, and don't you be doing anything to put me wicket at risk, like calling for a foolish run or owt."
"(Hit Me) Baby One More Time", Britney Spears
What does a bowler who's just been hit for a six, a four and then some need most? Why, to be hit, hit and hit again. This universal truth, beloved of masochistic pie chuckers everywhere, was rendered tunefully (or not) in song by Britney Spears. And years later, along came Mick Lewis to translate it perfectly in the most unambiguous cricket terms, bleeding 113 runs off 10 overs against South Africa in that game.
What does a bowler who's just been hit for a six, a four and then some need most? Why, to be hit, hit and hit again. This universal truth, beloved of masochistic pie chuckers everywhere, was rendered tunefully (or not) in song by Britney Spears. And years later, along came Mick Lewis to translate it perfectly in the most unambiguous cricket terms, bleeding 113 runs off 10 overs against South Africa in that game.
"Ebony and Ivory", Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
So moved was Darren Lehmann by this saccharine treat from 1982 that he was moved to - jestingly, you understand - call a Sri Lankan player an obnoxious name. Just to prove that the races can indeed live together in perfect harmony. So much so that they can even get all postmodern and pretend not to. Like.
Full postSo moved was Darren Lehmann by this saccharine treat from 1982 that he was moved to - jestingly, you understand - call a Sri Lankan player an obnoxious name. Just to prove that the races can indeed live together in perfect harmony. So much so that they can even get all postmodern and pretend not to. Like.
Keepers, codgers, Saffers
Likely teams that can star in the 2010 county cricket one-dayers
Alex Bowden
27-Oct-2009
An ECB Recreational XI made up of players without county contracts is to make up the numbers in next year's county cricket one-day competition. This team isn't going to bring in the crowds, so what other sides could have made an appearance in their place?
Potential England Wicketkeepers XI
Qualification merely demands that someone in the world of cricket is tipping you as the best wicketkeeper in England. Phil Mustard, James Foster, Nic Pothas, Geraint Jones, Chris Read, Craig Kieswetter, Tim Ambrose, Steven Davies... bowling might be an issue, but they aren't going to struggle for players.
Qualification merely demands that someone in the world of cricket is tipping you as the best wicketkeeper in England. Phil Mustard, James Foster, Nic Pothas, Geraint Jones, Chris Read, Craig Kieswetter, Tim Ambrose, Steven Davies... bowling might be an issue, but they aren't going to struggle for players.
All-time Journeymen XI
Tony Cottey and Peter Bowler together at last. A batting partnership born in neither heaven nor hell.
Full postTony Cottey and Peter Bowler together at last. A batting partnership born in neither heaven nor hell.
Grannies, mummies and other ladies
Behind every famous cricketer there's a formidable female relative. We look at a dozen of cricket's better-known ones
Nishi Narayanan
21-Oct-2009
Shane Warne's mother
Aka the pill-giver. She came into the spotlight at the 2003 World Cup, when Warne tested positive for a diuretic and tried to get away with an excuse Ben Johnson might have wished he had thought of: "Me mum gave it to me". But maternal love clearly meant little to the ICC, which banned Warne from international cricket for a year.
Aka the pill-giver. She came into the spotlight at the 2003 World Cup, when Warne tested positive for a diuretic and tried to get away with an excuse Ben Johnson might have wished he had thought of: "Me mum gave it to me". But maternal love clearly meant little to the ICC, which banned Warne from international cricket for a year.
Andrew Flintoff's daughter
The face of the anti-immigration movement. Father Fred worries about letting young Holly out at nights in Manchester where "stabbings, bottlings, shootings" are as common as Sunday church is elsewhere.
The face of the anti-immigration movement. Father Fred worries about letting young Holly out at nights in Manchester where "stabbings, bottlings, shootings" are as common as Sunday church is elsewhere.
Mitchell Johnson's mother
Or the relationship counsellor. We're sure Vikki Harber had the best intentions when, at the beginning of this year's Ashes, with Mitch hyped as Australia's answer to Flintoff, she complained about having lost her son to the karate-chopping hands of his girlfriend, Jessica Bratich. No more vacations for me to England, South Africa or the Bahamas, cried Ms Harber. "For the wives and the children, I think it is great that they support them and send them over there, but who are these girlfriends? They are just girlfriends," she said. Johnson refused to comment on the abandonment and went on to take eight wickets at 41.3 in the first two Tests.
Full postOr the relationship counsellor. We're sure Vikki Harber had the best intentions when, at the beginning of this year's Ashes, with Mitch hyped as Australia's answer to Flintoff, she complained about having lost her son to the karate-chopping hands of his girlfriend, Jessica Bratich. No more vacations for me to England, South Africa or the Bahamas, cried Ms Harber. "For the wives and the children, I think it is great that they support them and send them over there, but who are these girlfriends? They are just girlfriends," she said. Johnson refused to comment on the abandonment and went on to take eight wickets at 41.3 in the first two Tests.
A stroke of bad Haq
The Inzamam and Misbah odd-dismissals Hall of Fame
Reggie Hartman-Goodin
03-Oct-2009
A genius sees opportunity where there is none. Inzamam-ul-Haq and Misbah-ul-Haq find ways of getting out where there are none
Inzamam
v Monty Panesar, Headingley, 2006
Lazy elegance was never so elegant. Those who didn't see the poetry in this have no aesthetic sense. Inzi looks to furiously pull a Panesar half-tracker. Then, realising he's too cool for such effortful shots, he falls over in slow motion - all grace, mind you - onto the stumps. A less graceful man would have shattered the stumps; Inzi merely dislodged the bails.
Full postLazy elegance was never so elegant. Those who didn't see the poetry in this have no aesthetic sense. Inzi looks to furiously pull a Panesar half-tracker. Then, realising he's too cool for such effortful shots, he falls over in slow motion - all grace, mind you - onto the stumps. A less graceful man would have shattered the stumps; Inzi merely dislodged the bails.
Accentuate the negative
Eight ways England can stay grounded after their Ashes win
Alex Bowden
20-Sep-2009
Stay in one-day cricket gear
The shorter formats of the game are always guaranteed to bring buoyant England players back down to earth, and so it's proved. This can be further exploited by forcing the players to wear the one-day kit off the field. They call them pyjamas, so use them as such. How could any England player get carried away with success when he's assaulted by horrifying flashbacks of Brett Lee whisking his stumps out of the ground every time he wakes up in the morning?
The shorter formats of the game are always guaranteed to bring buoyant England players back down to earth, and so it's proved. This can be further exploited by forcing the players to wear the one-day kit off the field. They call them pyjamas, so use them as such. How could any England player get carried away with success when he's assaulted by horrifying flashbacks of Brett Lee whisking his stumps out of the ground every time he wakes up in the morning?
Roofed transportation
Out with the open-topped bus, in with ordinary roofed buses - preferably the night bus. Who needs awards ceremonies when you've got the mundane joys of hoping that drunk people don't engage you in conversation on public transport?
Out with the open-topped bus, in with ordinary roofed buses - preferably the night bus. Who needs awards ceremonies when you've got the mundane joys of hoping that drunk people don't engage you in conversation on public transport?
Get the Headingley Test on DVD
No, not that Headingley Test - this year's Headingley Test. England's players could be encouraged to dwell on the Ashes series where they got bowled out for 102 in one of their first innings.
Full postNo, not that Headingley Test - this year's Headingley Test. England's players could be encouraged to dwell on the Ashes series where they got bowled out for 102 in one of their first innings.
Creature feature
When asked what his favourite animal was, Steve Waugh replied, "Merv Hughes". Here are some more cricketers who could be animals
Alex Bowden
19-Jun-2009
Chris Gayle: a sloth
Long, pendulous arms of surprising power and a strong genetic predisposition towards being stationary.
Long, pendulous arms of surprising power and a strong genetic predisposition towards being stationary.
Sanath Jayasuriya: a smiling tortoise
One that, for some reason, has missiles at its disposal. It may look like a benevolent grandfather, but the damn thing's lethal.
One that, for some reason, has missiles at its disposal. It may look like a benevolent grandfather, but the damn thing's lethal.
Kevin Pietersen: a lion in a UK zoo
Raised in the wide open spaces of South Africa, it now spends its time pacing up and down, irritated by the limitations of life in Britain. It probably doesn't much like the weather either.
Full postRaised in the wide open spaces of South Africa, it now spends its time pacing up and down, irritated by the limitations of life in Britain. It probably doesn't much like the weather either.
The seven habits of highly effective fans
Setting effigies alight is passé. We've got a bunch of innovative ways India supporters can express their unhappiness
Nishi Narayanan
18-Jun-2009
1. Send an anonymous tip to airport authorities regarding possible swine flu among the Indian team contingent. Getting them quarantined will be much more satisfying than breaking a few windows.
2. Hold a press conference. Have all aggrieved Indian fans stand on a stage behind Bishan Bedi, who will read out a hand-written letter telling the players what a bunch of wusses they are for not staging a walkout to protest the short-ball barrage by England.
3. Don't bawl or cry foul murder when reporters stick their mikes into your faces asking for reactions. Be cool. How do I feel now that India have exited the World Twenty20? A little constipated, but I think that's the Chinese takeout from last night.
Full postPads, gloves, greasepaint
Movie roles that can be played by cricketers
Nishi Narayanan
14-Jun-2009
The Godfather
Okay, so we cast him because he's 40, but no one who bludgeons the ball as hard and tears the bowling apart like Sanath Jayasuriya does can claim to be a peace-loving man. Organised crime hasn't had a strong leader since Michael Corleone went legal. Put your rings on, Don Sanathino, they're waiting to kiss your hand.
Okay, so we cast him because he's 40, but no one who bludgeons the ball as hard and tears the bowling apart like Sanath Jayasuriya does can claim to be a peace-loving man. Organised crime hasn't had a strong leader since Michael Corleone went legal. Put your rings on, Don Sanathino, they're waiting to kiss your hand.
The Terminator
Since there aren't many international cricketers with incomprehensible Austrian accents, this one goes to the man with the cool Jamaican one, Chris Gayle. A man of few words, by his own admission, Gayle plays the expressionless unemotional cyborg when he bats, fields, attends press conferences, and enjoys a nap in the dressing room. The bling shades and diamond ear studs will serve to bring the Terminator closer to a 21st-century audience.
Since there aren't many international cricketers with incomprehensible Austrian accents, this one goes to the man with the cool Jamaican one, Chris Gayle. A man of few words, by his own admission, Gayle plays the expressionless unemotional cyborg when he bats, fields, attends press conferences, and enjoys a nap in the dressing room. The bling shades and diamond ear studs will serve to bring the Terminator closer to a 21st-century audience.
Rod Tidwell
He wants the money, he wants the love, and he wants to be the superstar of the team. A 16-year-old Kevin Pietersen was dreaming big dreams in South Africa when Cuba Gooding Jr played the loud, emotional, dissatisfied football star in Jerry Maguire. Since then, KP has often shown what a shoo-in he'd have been for the role: batting with an injured Achilles heel, sending a leave request with "I want to see my wife dance" in the "reason" field, and asking for love and an IPL contract in the same breath. Is there an Oscar for real-life characters?
Full postHe wants the money, he wants the love, and he wants to be the superstar of the team. A 16-year-old Kevin Pietersen was dreaming big dreams in South Africa when Cuba Gooding Jr played the loud, emotional, dissatisfied football star in Jerry Maguire. Since then, KP has often shown what a shoo-in he'd have been for the role: batting with an injured Achilles heel, sending a leave request with "I want to see my wife dance" in the "reason" field, and asking for love and an IPL contract in the same breath. Is there an Oscar for real-life characters?