A long, long way from the golf course

The England team sat around the departure lounge of Dubai airport. The mood was lethargic.

"Now chaps," said Acting Captain Cook. "Chin up. Remember we are here to represent our families, Her Majesty, the people of England, Mr Goochie and our whole country."

There was a pointed coughing from several team members.

"Sorry, Morgany, sorry you Saffers. And sorry Coach Flower, Coach Mushie, Assistant Joint Deputy Laptop Engineer Vladimir, Isotonic Sports Drink Analyst Helga and the rest of the vital support staff," said Cook. "I mean that we are representing England and obviously our other nations as well. And so it's important that we give a good account of ourselves. We are the finest cricketers the country has to offer--"

"Apart from the ones that didn't want to come 'cos they're at home having a rest," said Ryan Sidebottom.

"We are among the finest cricketers England, and various other countries, have to offer," said Cook, his voice getting higher. "And we must behave ourselves well in Bangladesh. According to my ECB Official Touring Captain Manual, it is a welcoming and fascinating country but culturally very different to what we are used to."

There was a sharp intake of breath. The team considered the full horror of the situation. Eventually, Paul Collingwood said what everyone was thinking.

"So it is true then," said Paul Collingwood. "They don't have the golf in this Bangladesh?"

"That's terrible," shouted Matt Prior. "Those poor people."

"But what sports do they do when they need to unwind from the pressures of playing sport?" said Collingwood.

"I expect some of them haven't even got a PlayStation 3," shouted Prior. "To think of people going through their whole lives without playing Fantasy Championship Women's Skeleton Bob Manager 8 on the PSP."

"International sport is all about making sacrifices and taking the positives from a situation by putting your hand up and executing your skills," said Collingwood. "We'll just have to make the best of what we've got and play golf in the hotel corridors."

"Maybe we can do a charity outreach and have some of these people as don't have a PS3 come and play corridor golf with us," shouted Prior.

"I am sure everyone in Bangladesh is desperately excited to meet us and learn from us," said Cook. "Luckily, it says in my guidebook that they are absolutely hopeless at cricket and so we're bound to win dead easily at the corridor golf as well."

"Good idea," said Collingwood. "Just make sure we don't invite any of the England Lions team. We don't want another embarrassing result."