Afridi reveals all

Shahid Afridi jumped up and down in the centre of the dressing room, chewing and biting manically on an old cricket ball.

"Right, I can't stand being here doing nothing," he said. "I must have been in this room for what - three hours? Four hours?"

"Actually, boss," said Kamran Akmal. "You've only been in here for about eight seconds."

"God, I'm so bored," said Afridi. "It feels like years. Who wants to do something? Let's play jumping up and down. Come on, everyone! Jumping! Or shouting. Yes, let's play shouting. LALALALALAA. Now what? What can we do next?"

Waqar Younis discreetly picked up the five-litre flagon of Sunny Delight that was next to Afridi.

"I told you not to let him have orange squash," he hissed at Kamran. "You know how he gets."

"I have decided to quit drinking orange squash," announced Afridi. "I am temperamentally unsuited to it. I see the carton and I cannot help myself, like a four-year-old child or the mentally enfeebled. I'm mad for it, me - see carton, drink carton. And what sort of example am I setting to these young lads here? It is best for everyone if I give up orange squash with immediate effect."

"Also, there's no sponsorship opportunities with orange squash these days. I will now concentrate only on drinking Panda Sugar Enhanced Hi NRG Cola - it refreshes the parts other colas cannot reach, boosts performance and is now legal in several countries worldwide after the World Health Organisation removed their ridiculous ruling about its so-called potentially lethal levels of benzedrine."

Solemnly, Afridi took the carton of Sunny Delight and handed it over to Salman Butt.

"Butty," said Afridi. "I hand this to you, as Younis or Mo or Inzy or Malik or whoever it was at the time once handed it to me. There is no more significant moment in a man's life than when he accepts the great honour of being in charge of the carton of Sunny Delight for the first time, and no more painful one than when he relinquishes it approximately a minute and a half later, amid a storm of bad feeling and infighting.

"I know you will do your absolute best to do what is right with this great honour, at least until you can't be arsed with it any more and palm it off on some other unfortunate.

"And now if you will excuse me, I should like to be alone with my family and whatever commercial partners are available for talks."