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What the England director of cricket needs to do

If you have not been soundly beaten in the Ashes, or lack a properly English nickname, you're definitely not fit for the role

Alan Tyers
26-Apr-2015
Michael Vaughan and Andrew Strauss troop off as rain interrupts play again, England v Australia, The Oval, London, September 10, 2005

An ability to deal with gloom - real and literal - will count as a definite advantage  •  Getty Images

The ECB are looking for a director of cricket but aren't making the job description public. Some cynics are even suggesting they're going to hire someone and then reverse-engineer the job spec afterwards.
But could the secret job listing go something like this?
"An opportunity has arisen to take charge of the England cricket team at one of the most challenging times in its history. The successful applicant's first duty will be morale-raising, hand-holding and basic first aid when the men's team take on Australia and their daunting pace attack during the Ashes.
We will look favourably on any candidate with personal experience of being soundly beaten in the Ashes i.e. all possible candidates. (This is not to say that an Australian candidate couldn't apply. As the current team demonstrates, England cricket does not discriminate on grounds of nationality or place of birth, and past teams have proven that we do not discriminate on the grounds of cricketing disability either.)
Other things being equal we would give preference to a person inside English cricket, given the requirement for a track record of taking the positives, focusing and moving on, and looking to put things behind us and keep working hard.
It should be noted that the job is not a technical role. Mooresy has got all the cones he needs and has been saving up for one of them new Apple watches so there will be no problems timing the lads during beep tests, shuttle runs, boxing matches and other training exercises that we are prioritising above actual cricket.
England cricket does not discriminate on grounds of nationality or place of birth, and past teams have proven that we do not discriminate on the grounds of cricketing disability either
A good solid English nickname would be a strong bonus. A Straussy, a Vaughany, to pick two names at random purely for example. However, people who would be willing to work hard to modify their name - a Nassery, for instance - would also be considered.
We would not realistically consider a candidate without a nickname.
Duties will include working closely with Alastair Cook as he attempts to put the team on an even keel after the disgraceful actions of a certain individual and also in his ongoing quest to score a run.
The successful applicant will be from the right sort of family and inside cricket. There are excellent opportunities for chatting to the media, wearing a cream suit and looking back on a reasonable effort in the face of testing circumstances when the posting ends in roughly 18 months' time."