Here's Johnny

John Howard rose to his back legs and took the podium.

"Esteemed gentlemen of the ICC," he said. "The people have spoken - the bastards. It's not quite clear exactly who those people are, but spoken they have, and my candidacy to be ICC Vice President for Lunches, Nodding Thoughtfully and Then Doing Whatever Our Indian Overlords Tell Us is over.

"It would have been a massive honour to follow in the footsteps of some of the great men who have been Vice President of ICC, men such as whatsisname from India who couldn't lie straight in bed, that fat one from England who was always unplayable after lunch, and thingy from Pakistan who turned out to be a bit bent. Men who have made the ICC a byword for dynamism, vision, probity and really incredibly long and boring meetings.

"But it was not to be. I want to reassure you that I will concede defeat in the traditional Australian manner: by behaving with good grace, taking it on the chin and accepting that the better man won on the day, you bunch of conniving, jammy, flukey cheating c***s.

"I have heard many explanations offered as to why my candidacy has been hit for six - little cricket reference there, did I mention that I'm a massive fan? Some have even suggested that I was the victim of a racism. Who knows? All I will say is this: when will the wealthy, incredibly well-connected and influential heterosexual old white male catch a break?

"But we must look forward, not back, as I did when leading my country into a golden age of opportunity for all - apart from all the horrible foreigners obviously. And I say this to you: there is only one man with the power to heal the deep wounds in world cricket: a statesman, a diplomat, a man who understands cricket at the deepest and most primal level. I urge you to throw your support for ICC vice-president behind my friend and comrade-in-arms, George W Bush. A vote for Bush is a vote for fair play, cricket on your family, and the very real possibility of World War Three. Thank you and good riddance."