Hey ho, the World Cup's on

Paul Collingwood welcomed the team to the 18th Time Lucky Official England Headquarters And Fredalo Memorial Rum Shack, Bridgetown.

"Right lads," he said. "Now obviously we've checked out the facilities, and they look ideal. Although the 14th green is playing a bit quick. But we'll get to the serious business of the golf in a minute once we've got the cricket out the way. Did everyone have a good flight?"

"This one time? In IPL?" began Michael Lumb. "Shane Warne told us this brilliant thing about an air stewardess--"

"Yes, thank you Michael," interrupted Andy Flower. "There'll be plenty of time to hear about your IPL stories some more later. At least you've been playing cricket, I suppose, unlike some of this rabble. Look at young Ravi there, he can hardly remember which end of the bat to hold after his exciting IPL adventure."

As if in a trance, Bopara automatically began pouring out lemon barley waters and handing them round, before taking a seat on the bench and staring listlessly into the middle distance.

"When I was flying over," said Kevin Pietersen. "I took the opportunity to enjoy a refreshing Whyte And Mackay whiskey from the drinks trolley, topped up with Red Bull. White And Mackay: for when shot selection really matters. In association with Red Bull: the official drink of choice for Kevin Pietersen."

Lumb perked up.

"And this one time? In IPL? Shilpa Shetty stuck this Mongoose ba--"

"THANK you Michael, that'll be all for the time being," said Flower. "Now, Michael here will bat up top with Craig, which I think I am right in saying means that we have tried every possible opening combination in England."

"And South Africa," said Kieswetter.

"And South Africa," agreed Flower. "So nobody's travel plans were too disrupted by the volcanic ash?"

James Anderson stuck his hand up. Flower closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, as if in pain.

"Yes, Jimmy?"

"Is that volcanic Ash like when Gilo lost the rag because all the papers said he wasn't as good as Warnie?" asked Anderson, looking worried. "Cos that was scary, like."

"This one time? In IPL? Warnie said--"

Flower silenced Lumb with a raised hand.

"Look, let's just try and get through the tournament without picking up any more injuries," said Flower.

"Jimmy's already pulled a muscle choking on the volcanic ash, and Broady's got a niggle after sleeping in a cramped bunk bed on the hovercraft over."

"And remember, Holland aren't in it this time," added Colly. "So we're in with a great chance."