With 55 wickets falling in three days across the two Boxing Day Tests, the ICC has acted swiftly to counter this "increasingly unacceptable bias" in favour of bowling.

After day three at the MCG saw 15 batsmen dismissed, the ICC released a statement condemning a development it said was "contrary to the spirit of cricket".

"What fans want to see is batsmen smashing the ball around, ideally for six," said the statement. "And if the six is accompanied by Ravi Shastri shouting or somebody name-checking an official ICC corporate partner, then so much the better.

"This recent rash of aggressive bowling and wicket-taking must be eradicated right away. How can corporate partners be expected to invest in a form of cricket where the action may not even last the full five days? It's all very well for the likes of de Lange and Yadav who are taking these wickets, but what about all those wasted day five vol-au-vents in the hospitality tents?

"Wicket-taking bowlers are the biggest threat facing Test cricket today, and the problem must be stamped out."

The ICC plans to make the game more batsman-friendly by allowing only one bouncer per series (a result of continuous lobbying by a Mr S Raina of Uttar Pradesh), while any further short-pitched deliveries must be bowled with a beachball in a "free hit" situation.

In order to curb the unpleasant spectacle of batsmen being dismissed before they have had a chance to hit some sixes, bats will be widened to the same width as the stumps - or the fleshy part of Graeme Smith's thigh on difficult pitches.

"As custodians of the game," continued the ICC statement, "our first duty is to the most important people in the game, i.e. people who don't especially like cricket but might be persuaded to go to a day-night game if it's an entertaining spectacle.

"These casual fans don't want to see so-called legcutters or probing off-stump lines: they want to see big-hitting players they half-recognise from KFC adverts smashing the ball into the cheerleading section.

"And it is our duty to provide for them."

The ICC plans to level the playing field in favour of batsmen by insisting that every international team include at least one post-Warne Australian spinner. "If every team had a Doherty, a Hauritz or a Piggy Smith in it, then we could guarantee that batsmen should at least get to hit some runs," confirmed the ICC.

"Cricket is in crisis, and we need to act before this outbreak of 'wicket-taking' kills the game off entirely."

Read CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries, by Tyers and Beach

All quotes and "facts" in this piece are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?