England cast their net

The door opened. Jonathan Trott entered.

"Ons sal oorwin daardie engels bastards volgende keer, ay u okes?" said Trott.

The dressing room was silent.

"What did he say?" asked Alastair Cook.

"He said: 'We'll get those English bastards next time'," said Andrew Strauss.

"He sounds like Harmison after Flintoff spiked his chocolate milk with that Special Home-Distilled Rum," said Cook.

"No, no, this is just Afrikaans," said Strauss. "No cause for alarm."

"Oh right," said Cook. "It's all right lads, as Official Vice Captain and Leader-In-Waiting, I'll deal with this."

Various team-mates sniggered.

"YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG DRESSING ROOM, TROTTY," shouted Cook. "The Saffers are next door."

"Ach, sorry bru eh," said Trott. "Ek is as thick as a hartebeest milktert eh?"

"Just sit down, Trotty," said Paul Collingwood.

"Typical English," muttered Trott. "Coming over here and telling us what to do."

"Right guys, two good efforts in these warm-ups," said Andy Flower. "But what can we take from these performances against these Eagles and Warriors?"

"Some of their players?" suggested Strauss.

"Ya, there's some good English-sounding okes in there," said Trott. "Morne van Wyk, Cornelius de Villiers, Pite van Biljon."

"Is he of the Westbury-Upon-Nettlebed van Biljons?" asked Strauss.

"Don't think so," said Trott. "But I met another oke, can't get in their team, batsman by the name of Johannes van der Roussow. Told me he lived in London one summer."

"Hmm, promising," said Flower. "Do you reckon you can flip him, Trotty?"

"Could be difficult, eh," said Trott. "He didn't enjoy London, said the weather was bad and you couldn't get a good bit of dried meat for love nor money."

"Did he like the English?" asked Flower.

"I heard he lived in a two-bedroom flat in Shepherd's Bush with 17 schoolfriends and worked in The Springbok, so he didn't actually have to meet anyone from England," said Strauss.

"Smart operator, Johannes," said Trott, approvingly.

"Does he feel any identification with England, do you think?" said Strauss.

"Well, he identifies with the amount of rands you can get for a pound," said Trott.

"Gentlemen," said Flower. "I think we may have found our new No. 3."