Fun and videogames

Andrew Strauss was heard to remark that, in light of recent training-ground accidents, the team would now be warming up in the safety of the dressing room by playing FIFA 2009 on the Xbox. Unfortunately Owais Shah contrived to get the cord for the game controller wrapped around his neck, causing him to nearly auto-asphyxiate, before stumbling over the Andrew Flintoff Memorial cocktail trolley and crashing into Joe Denly, severely injuring the last-named individual.

The batting members of the team appeared totally unsure as to how to play the computer game, alternating from fingering the buttons timidly, congratulating each other on their in-game stats and wildly hurling the controller at the TV screen with their eyes shut. Eventually Strauss told all the other batsmen to try and just sit quietly for Christ's sake while he played the videogame for them.

Ravi Bopara was heard to state, "I am well good at this game innit," when playing on the "beginner" setting, but became distressed when the difficulty was increased.

Coach Andy Flower then arrived to take roll call and hear excuses as to why various players had not wished to be considered for the recent exciting 109-game ODI series against Australia. Reasons included "tired", "bored", "problems at home", "objecting on moral grounds", "saving myself for IPL", "saving myself for first-round defeat in Champions Trophy" and "dog ate my central contract".

Eventually a team was selected from the remaining able-bodied and walking wounded players, with Adil Rashid's exclusion decided by a game of scissors-paper-stone. One or two minor injuries during the game (Andrew Strauss: eye, Owais Shah: finger) were cause for concern but Coach Flower was quick to stress that variety was vital in training and warm-up.

Coach Flower had to act quickly to quell dissent when several team members speculated that they might "do a Freddie". He pointed out that they already only turned up for matches when they fancied it, and the team strode purposefully out to prepare for the Sri Lanka clash with a game of ice-hockey, with Owais Shah falling down the dressing room stairs on the way out.