In the aftermath of the 5-0 ODI series defeat, the Pakistan dressing room was silent, save for the occasional chomping sound as Shahid Afridi chewed sadly on an old cricket ball.
Young Umar Akmal spoke up.
"I'm absolutely devastated," he said.
"Nom gnnow, mffing IPLnom nom," said Afridi.
"What did he say?" asked Umar.
"He said, 'I know, I can't believe we're missing the IPL'," explained Shoaib Malik.
"No, no, I meant that I'm devastated we've just lost eight games in a row against Australia," said Umar.
"Aw, bless him," said Malik. "He still has a lot to learn."
The leader rose to his feet.
"Never mind boys, this IPL Twenty20 business is not all it's cracked up to be, anyway," said Mohammad Yousuf. "I've heard they make you run around, practise catching, even trying this new-fangled 'running people out' skill."
Afridi put down his half-eaten ball.
"I just think it is a great sadness for the cricketing peoples of the world that such ambassadors for the game as myself will not be playing," he said. "Who will teach the young cricketers of tomorrow how to ball-tamper with the teeth?"
"Yes indeed, Shahid," said Yousuf. "And what about your expertise in pitch-tampering with the pirouetting feet? For myself, I am just sorry that my knee injury prevents me running around too much and showing the younger fellows how it's done."
"I thought it was your back that was injured?" said Afridi.
"Whatever," said Yousuf. "Knee, back, leg. It's all very tiring. And I deserve a rest after this heroic campaign."
"For my part, I feel sad that IPL cricketers will not benefit from my expertise in dietary supplements," added Mohammad Asif. "How am I going to pay off all my fines now?"
"The whole business is an outrage," said Afridi. "Will nobody think about my poor accountant?"
Alan Tyers is a freelance journalist based in London. Any or all quotes and facts in this article may be wholly or partly fiction (but you knew that already, didn't you?)