The unofficial England team preview

England fans will go into the tournament bruised and battered, fresh off their seven-one-day-internationals-oh-my-god-I-wish-we-had-13-instead tour. Said tour served up a freshly dished crop of injured players and the Future Tours Of Carnage demon seems to prefer injuring potential match-winners. They're dropping like flies, these English and non-Englishmen, and replacements and reserves are being called up left, right and centre. While we all would have preferred to see Samit Patel eat up the pies baked by Johan Botha - because, let's face it, eating is what Patel is really good at - Ravi Bopara got the call up to join the token International XI at the World Cup.

The positive is that Stuart Broad will be able to pick out all the pretty clothes and lovely hair products he wants, thanks to a new sponsorship signed by England. We can also all admit that he is, in fact, a female, instead of sitting around like awkward Catholic schoolgirls who've just had their legs stroked by their teacher. We all know that a female performs at her utmost best when her hair looks good, her skin looks good, she wears the prettiest pink tutus, and she has daddy on her side. Lucky for Stuey, Chris Broad is one of the match referees and he will ensure that daddy's little girl doesn't scrape her knees, and gets out of trouble whenever she needs.

Recent form
The only team worse off when it comes to recent ODI form is, well, nobody really. Even the incredibly sub-par New Zealand managed to win more than one one-day international recently. Yes, England might have won the Ashes in Australia but the battle for the miniscule trophy is a completely different ball game to things that involve complex mathematical equations and funky clothing sponsored by big, famous sportswear brands - and let's not forget the gazillion adverts on the television.

To succeed in this tournament you will need to be charismatic and entertaining. You will need batsmen who are not partial to gardening at the crease, and your uniform should contain the colour yellow/green. England have none of those and unless they can muster up a dramatic uniform change, their chances will remain next to nothing.

Conditions
Humid, hot, muggy. England won't even have rain to remind them of home. The Indian media might be somewhat similar to the English press, but the local media will be more interested in their own cricketers' trials and tribulations than the goings-on of a team that only really has beating the worst Australian Test team in recent history to brag about.

Quotes
"Well, of course we would have preferred to rather play 21 one-day internationals against the same team instead of losing numerous games against different teams and running the risk of embarrassing ourselves against lowly minnows who even Bangladesh will be able to beat."
- Andy Flower

"This schedule is crazy. It's absurd! Group stages, knockout rounds… The English cricketers should just play the current Australian teams in Tests for the rest of their lives. Crazy!"
- Lord MacLaurin

"I'd just like to thank the guys at the Dolphins for helping me ahead of the Ashes. The time I spent in the dressing room really helped me to understand just how ridiculous our schedule is. How am I going to be fit for the IPL?"
- Kevin Pietersen

"I love pie."
- Tim Bresnan

Trivia
Nobody can actually remember when the last time was that an Englishman made his debut for England.

With so many Saffas in their team, it's impossible for England to win the World Cup since South Africans are notorious chokers. Couple this with their own knack for choking in World Cup finals and you have a recipe for disaster.