June 23, 2010

County cricket

Sorry men in militia uniforms

Andrew Hughes

Worcestershire’s Alan Richardson groans at having given caption writers another chance to pun on “Loots” © PA Photos

The Friends Provident Trophy is an enormous competition. It looks sizeable on paper, but like a gigantic beached whale, it’s only when you get up close to it that you can appreciate the scale of the monster. Eighteen teams play approximately 57 times each before the exhausted viewer is granted the reprieve of a knock-out stage and the whole thing reaches a merciful conclusion.

Still, there is no competition so large that Worcestershire can’t find the quickest way out of it. An impressive haul of defeats, surrenders and capitulations means that the men in dark green and camouflage are already going through the motions with the group stages barely halfway through, and whilst this is an impressive feat that ought to earn them a place in the lists of cricket failure (just above the Kings XI Punjab and below Brett Lee’s singing), it does not make them box office.

Falling asleep whilst watching cricket is something that I had pencilled in for my twilight years, but Monday evening’s clash between the aforementioned losers and Derbyshire Falcons had me teetering on the brink of unconscious more than once over the course of three painful hours. On the longest day of the year, this was the longest Twenty20 game I have ever witnessed that didn’t involve Mr Duckworth and his colleague.

Worcestershire set a small target slowly. Derbyshire pursued it steadily. A nation yawned. When Loots Bosman fell, the non appearance of Chesney Hughes meant that Derbyshire tap-tapped their way to an easy target with all the dash and élan of Geoffrey Boycott alphabetising his CD collection. It isn’t easy for a man in a seven-foot falcon costume to look bored, but Derbyshire’s mascot managed it, standing arms folded as the men in powder-blue shirts made a seven-course banquet of the situation.

If you are beginning to spot the slightest whiff of bitterness about my indifference to this particular fixture, then you may have a case. I’m afraid I haven’t been entirely straight with you, readers and must declare an interest. I am a Worcestershire supporter. This isn’t something I talk about too often, but my therapist thinks it might help to get things out of the open, to come out of the green closet as it were.

It started back in 1988. The world was younger; I was thin; anything seemed possible. Back then, Worcestershire were the thing. They had Graeme Hick, in the days before we found out that he wasn’t as good as we had fantasised that he might be. They had Ian Botham, or at least a tubby man who looked rather like him. They had Graham Dilley, Neal Radford, Richard Illingworth. They had Steve O’Shaughnessy.

But this current lot are a sorry sight. It doesn’t help that they are wearing a ridiculous uniform. Yes, I know it’s for charity and all that but they look like one of those nutty backwoods American militias or extras from an episode of The A-Team. If it wasn’t for Moeen Ali, they’d barely be functioning, and the addition of the MP for Matara District, one Jayasuriya, S, is a signing as symbolic as it is desperate. “They’re just not going anywhere, Worcestershire,” sighed Ian Ward. Quite so, Mr Ward.

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Posted by Simon on (June 23, 2010, 19:03 GMT)

Perhaps Andrew Hughes should stop "supporting" Worcestershire. They are a very young side that needs encouragement, and if their YT20 form has been lamentable, thy have started the season better than some of the more experienced sides loaded with foreigners. How many South Africans play for Derbyshire? Northants? I have supported Worcs. since the 1950s - and although I have not always agreed with policies, etc., my concept of support is very different from that of Mr Hughes.

Posted by The Colossal Guinea Pig on (June 23, 2010, 13:46 GMT)

Yes, dangnabbit, we had O'Shaughnessy! I gave up on WCCC as a one-day side a few years ago when I witnessed them limp to 90-summat against Northants in the 20-20. And that was with Hick and Davies. God, it was painful. I knew then that my kids needed food more than I needed this kind of entertainment. Getting Sanath J in is a curious thing, indeed. Shouldn't Sanath's constituents be getting first dibs on him? Aren't there any gifted Kiwis needing a wage? I remember Imran Arif being dumped in favour of Fernando a couple of years ago. Arif was bowling well, but the management decided it was time to spend, spend, spend. Steve Rhodes would seem to be bulletproof. How he survived last year, I don't know. Excuses now will be "team in transition", "youngsters emerging", etc. Perhaps they all need a trip up to the Sports Psychology unit at the University. Or the threat of The Spanish Archer. Yes! El Bow himself! At least the four-day position is safe-ish, and the river's kept its distance.

Posted by Alex Proffitt on (June 23, 2010, 11:03 GMT)

It is depressing watching Worcestershire at the moment however I think this is a bit strong! The team strip isn't nearly as bad as it's made out to be - just think back to Essex's Lego men outfit from a few years back to see how bad it could have been...

Whinging about a team doesn't make them better and you have to remember Worcester are fighting for economic survival too. However there are some fairly promising youngsters coming through so maybe instead of complaining you could keep 1/2 an eye on the future.

And I don't know where you get off having a go at Graeme Hick. He may not have completely fulfilled how good he should have been but Worcester certainly profited from that!!

Posted by Sekhar on (June 23, 2010, 10:00 GMT)

For a moment I thought, it was Hashim Amla in the Worcs uniform until I realised that he doesn't bat left handed and the batsman in question was Moeen Ali.

Posted by Andrew on (June 23, 2010, 8:50 GMT)

Sky seem determined to put us to sleep with their fixture selection. Whenever I turn on it always seems to be Worcestershire or Derbyshire. The prime matches involving Yorkshire/Lancashire (ie. vaguely interesting teams) seem to be disproportionately absent. Is there some dodgy Midlands pact we don't know about to bore cricket fans to death - or is it just that the producers like the teas at New Road? Empty T20 matches don't look good.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Andrew Hughes
Andrew Hughes is a writer and avid cricket watcher who has always retained a healthy suspicion of professional sportsmen, and like any right-thinking person rates Neville Cardus more highly than Don Bradman. His latest book is available here and here @hughandrews73

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