July 2, 2010

England’s World Cup chances, and a cathartic confession

An incisive preview of the big one, a mere seven or so months early, and the horrors of a childhood encounter with fast bowling
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2 Shaun Tait: that's Mr Grumpy to you © Getty Images

England have chosen a very good time to register a convincing win over Australia. It has dovetailed extremely neatly with the hydraulically hyped football team exploring hitherto uncharted territories of incompetence in a World Cup humiliation that is being widely viewed as the nation’s biggest embarrassment since King Harold was tricked by the Normans into a game of Catch The Arrow With Your Eye. (In relative terms, watching England’s World Cup unfold was the footballing equivalent of sitting in a darkened cellar, watching Steve Harmison’s first ball of the 2006-07 Ashes on a continuous loop for two weeks.)

The one-day series triumph has also coincided with the government’s jovially portentous forecasts of continuing economic gloom. So by playing to their potential, and by offering genuine promise for the future, Strauss’s team have surely thrust cricket back to the top of English children’s favourite-hobbies lists, ahead of football and macroeconomics.

Congratulations are due to England not only for the all-round excellence of their play in the first two-and-nine-tenths matches, but also for cleverly raising then crushing Australian hopes by collapsing spectacularly to the point of defeat in the final one-tenth of match three, and then convincingly losing match four in order to maintain public interest in the build-up to the Ashes. If the whitewash that was obviously inevitable had been allowed to happen, who would have bothered tuning in to see Ponting’s men ritually humiliated yet again this winter? Only true sadists with no love of a genuine sporting contest.

Perhaps I read too much into it. But England have now played well enough often enough in recent limited-overs matches to suggest that their current run is not an uncharacteristic blip in a long era of carefully nurtured underachievement.

This five-match effective whitewash spread over a mere 12 days will sadly be of little value when the World Cup comes around next year. The tournament will be a test of psychological endurance as much as cricketing ability, as it crawls slowly onwards like the asthmatic brontosaurus it is. In fact, the gaps between games are mostly long enough to allow teams to commute to and from home to minimise the chances of homesickness.

Perhaps the much-and-rightly-criticised World Cup schedules of recent tournaments have been designed with this specifically in mind – not, as most people had assumed, in order to render the events so stultifying that by the time they finally ended, no one really noticed Australia winning, thus taking the gloss from their triumphs, but as a means to reduce the unfair advantage enjoyed by the host nation, by enabling all the teams to nip home to spend some quality time with their family and check their post.

Nevertheless England look a well-balanced team with plenty of batting power. Whether they can adapt to subcontinental conditions and take enough top-order wickets early in their opponents’ innings will probably dictate how far they can progress. However, the tournament basically involves a largely ceremonial month-long group stage to whittle the seven teams with an ICC ODI ranking score of 100 or more up to eight teams, followed by a three-round shoot-out featuring all the potential randomness of tosses, conditions, weather and Daryl Harper. Therefore, any team could win it with a well-timed streak of (a) form, (b) luck and (c) Daryl Harper.

It was good to see Shaun Tait damaging the speed gun again. The world needs a few more bowlers who waddle up the crease and then wang it as fast as possible. It makes for unavoidably exciting cricket. Especially if “as fast as possible” clocks in at above 95 mph, as Tait did in that fourth game.

He has played one wicketless Test in the five years since his 2005 Ashes debut games, in which he proved himself to be fast, erratic, occasionally dangerous, and, as I witnessed first-hand at The Oval, exceedingly (and self-defeatingly) grumpy in the face of mild crowd banter. Since playing a major role in Australia’s 2007 World Cup campaign, he had played just a handful of ODIs before this series, so let us hope he will feature considerably more in coming years. Too many properly fast bowlers have played far too little top-level cricket this millennium, in particular Shane Bond, Shoaib Akhtar, Jermaine Lawson and, more understandably, Harold Larwood.

I well remember my first encounter with fast bowling. It was in my second ever game of cricket, as an eight-year-old. On the back of a battling, almost heroic, innings of 1 in my debut match, I was promoted to open the batting. Having taken two extraordinary slip catches – extraordinary at least to all those who had seen me attempt to catch before – I had helped my school Under-9s reduce our opponents to 63 all out. At the age of eight, with a career best of 1, this was a daunting target, the mental equivalent, I imagine, of chasing 500 to win a Test match.

I walked out to bat with the confidence of one who had never known true failure, like a pre-1991 Graeme Hick but smaller. I was the non-striking batsman. The umpire said “Play”. I looked round to see the bowler. He was not there. Odd, I thought. I looked again. He was there. Standing on the boundary with the ball in his hand. At this point, I was 90% defeated. I had seen Michael Holding on TV. In thundered the bowler, if an eight-year-old can indeed thunder, before flinging his missile of destruction towards my opening partner. I barely saw it. Perhaps because my eyes instinctively closed in anticipatory terror. I heard a distant thud, as the ball hit the batsman on the pad. He called me through for a single. It was an easy single. It was also a single that was extremely low on my priority list. My partner was half-way up the pitch, I had to run. I now had to face the demon. I took a nervous middle-and-leg guard, and surveyed the potential gaps in the field, for the sake of convention if nothing else, and also for potential escape routes. I settled into my stance. The run-up began.

As the bowler’s long approach unfolded, like a lion sprinting towards a 2-for-1 offer in a zebra shop, I steeled myself to be brave, watch the ball, and trust my brand new pads, gloves and box to avoid life-threatening injuries. He passed the umpire, uncoiled like the eight-year-old Garner-Croft-Holding-Roberts hybrid he clearly was, and whanged it. I studiously played the perfect forward-defensive. The ball smashed into the stumps. I looked up to see a disapproving teacher looking at me as if I had just betrayed my team-mates, my school and my country. I looked at the stumps. Which were further away than I had remembered them being. I looked at my feet. They were just off the edge of the pitch, heading towards square leg. It transpired that what would today be called my “trigger movements” had let me down. And taken me a good four feet out of harm’s way. A technical glitch to be ironed out, certainly. My career average slumped to 0.50. I batted at eight in the next match.

Andy Zaltzman is a stand-up comedian, a regular on the BBC Radio 4, and a writer

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • physician assistant on July 14, 2010, 19:15 GMT

    What a great resource!

  • waterbuffalo on July 6, 2010, 5:55 GMT

    Mr. Zaltzman, I hope you enjoy watching Asif, Gul and in particular, Mohd Aamer this summer, however you should only buy tickets for the first two days of each test, it'll be over by lunch on Day 3. Pakistan just cannot bat, which is a shame, but they can bowl, and they are going to clonk some people around, all they have to do is pitch it up. The only good bat Pakistan has is Umar Akmal, who will provide an estimated 75% of the runs.

  • Umair_umair on July 3, 2010, 23:41 GMT

    Hi Andy, good thing about you is that your blogs are not only for the sake of making people laugh. I love your analysis too. ;). (no pun intended).

    Would love to see you in the commentry box (offcourse as a commentator). I am sure your average in commentry box will be much better than you average at the crease as a batsman.

  • Pochard on July 3, 2010, 19:51 GMT

    @Derajydac (or something): 'matches are played at obscene times for us thus if we were to watch it we would be staying up to 5am in the morning'. Gosh yes, just imagine if they were to be played at 5am in the afternoon.

  • The Bear Jew on July 3, 2010, 9:53 GMT

    contd.

    The ball crashed straight into one of the 4 bamboo poles holding up the nets and the pole went flat onto the ground. The nets and the remaining 3 poles caved in as well and buried me alive.

    The coach, though had seen the shot that had put me into that tangle, and liked what he saw. I was to open in the next week's match. Three consecutive ducks ensued, all lbw to pace bowling, and I have never played leather ball cricket since.

  • The Bear Jew on July 3, 2010, 9:50 GMT

    Great article Mr. Zaltman, particularly loved - "ahead of football and macroeconomics."

    Your recounting of your first experience with pace bowling makes me misty eyed and takes me back to the time when I was an 11-year old (though it was only 8 years ago that I was 11). Admittedly, I was considerably luckier than you, as I first faced up to pace not in a match but in the nets. On the flip side, I was practicing with 14-yearolds, which, apart from being bullied around, meant I had to use oversized gear and a bat that I could barely lift off the ground.

    After barely managing to pull myself out of harm's way for the first dozen or so deliveries, came the first time I put bat on ball. It was a resounding success coupled with a tragic outcome.

    It was only the first overpitched delivery I got, and the only one I sighted completely. Instinct took over, and the classiest of sweetly timed straight drives came out. Disaster.

  • justin on July 3, 2010, 1:02 GMT

    andy, you bring the exciting and mostly horrific memories of my childhood cricketing efforts back to me. The glorious 6* down to the 1st ball duck playing an elegant cut shot that I somehow managed to miss!! It's a heady time to be an english cricket fan. You have the ashes, the world 2020, able to beat australia in all three forms. Oh well, brisbane is only 4 to 5 mths away. We'll see if everything is rosy then shell we!!

  • Tyler Durden on July 2, 2010, 22:57 GMT

    Hahahaaha..

    Ahh andy, you and your sad tales. I'm guessing you must have been a handful batting against the spinners, eh?

  • Manihammad on July 2, 2010, 22:06 GMT

    well i am really proud to hear about your heroic batting display. it was really rude of your teacher to give you a disapproving look..did they make you do lines that "i would never open again" like 500 times?

  • Hiran on July 2, 2010, 21:22 GMT

    What a artical. easily one of the best i'v read in cricinfo.

  • physician assistant on July 14, 2010, 19:15 GMT

    What a great resource!

  • waterbuffalo on July 6, 2010, 5:55 GMT

    Mr. Zaltzman, I hope you enjoy watching Asif, Gul and in particular, Mohd Aamer this summer, however you should only buy tickets for the first two days of each test, it'll be over by lunch on Day 3. Pakistan just cannot bat, which is a shame, but they can bowl, and they are going to clonk some people around, all they have to do is pitch it up. The only good bat Pakistan has is Umar Akmal, who will provide an estimated 75% of the runs.

  • Umair_umair on July 3, 2010, 23:41 GMT

    Hi Andy, good thing about you is that your blogs are not only for the sake of making people laugh. I love your analysis too. ;). (no pun intended).

    Would love to see you in the commentry box (offcourse as a commentator). I am sure your average in commentry box will be much better than you average at the crease as a batsman.

  • Pochard on July 3, 2010, 19:51 GMT

    @Derajydac (or something): 'matches are played at obscene times for us thus if we were to watch it we would be staying up to 5am in the morning'. Gosh yes, just imagine if they were to be played at 5am in the afternoon.

  • The Bear Jew on July 3, 2010, 9:53 GMT

    contd.

    The ball crashed straight into one of the 4 bamboo poles holding up the nets and the pole went flat onto the ground. The nets and the remaining 3 poles caved in as well and buried me alive.

    The coach, though had seen the shot that had put me into that tangle, and liked what he saw. I was to open in the next week's match. Three consecutive ducks ensued, all lbw to pace bowling, and I have never played leather ball cricket since.

  • The Bear Jew on July 3, 2010, 9:50 GMT

    Great article Mr. Zaltman, particularly loved - "ahead of football and macroeconomics."

    Your recounting of your first experience with pace bowling makes me misty eyed and takes me back to the time when I was an 11-year old (though it was only 8 years ago that I was 11). Admittedly, I was considerably luckier than you, as I first faced up to pace not in a match but in the nets. On the flip side, I was practicing with 14-yearolds, which, apart from being bullied around, meant I had to use oversized gear and a bat that I could barely lift off the ground.

    After barely managing to pull myself out of harm's way for the first dozen or so deliveries, came the first time I put bat on ball. It was a resounding success coupled with a tragic outcome.

    It was only the first overpitched delivery I got, and the only one I sighted completely. Instinct took over, and the classiest of sweetly timed straight drives came out. Disaster.

  • justin on July 3, 2010, 1:02 GMT

    andy, you bring the exciting and mostly horrific memories of my childhood cricketing efforts back to me. The glorious 6* down to the 1st ball duck playing an elegant cut shot that I somehow managed to miss!! It's a heady time to be an english cricket fan. You have the ashes, the world 2020, able to beat australia in all three forms. Oh well, brisbane is only 4 to 5 mths away. We'll see if everything is rosy then shell we!!

  • Tyler Durden on July 2, 2010, 22:57 GMT

    Hahahaaha..

    Ahh andy, you and your sad tales. I'm guessing you must have been a handful batting against the spinners, eh?

  • Manihammad on July 2, 2010, 22:06 GMT

    well i am really proud to hear about your heroic batting display. it was really rude of your teacher to give you a disapproving look..did they make you do lines that "i would never open again" like 500 times?

  • Hiran on July 2, 2010, 21:22 GMT

    What a artical. easily one of the best i'v read in cricinfo.

  • Sriram Sridharan on July 2, 2010, 20:05 GMT

    Amzing article Andy. I was laughing for almost the entire article. "but also for cleverly raising then crushing Australian hopes by collapsing spectacularly to the point of defeat in the final one-tenth of match three" is classic Zaltzman. Keep these articles coming.

  • scorpio_on_blue_moon on July 2, 2010, 19:17 GMT

    You again got a chance to play and that to bat (at eight) ??? It suggests that your team must be out of resources or you must threatened them with some obnoxious display of act !!!

    Anyway, after that incident you do not need to be tortured with Harmison's first ball video, you better be beaten with the video of your own dismissal by that Garner-Croft-Holding-Roberts hybrid.

  • Anonymous on July 2, 2010, 17:55 GMT

    Now thats what you call a funny article,I had a big smile on face throughout while reading this , probably flashing all my 32 pearly white teeth and my family members are thinking that I have gone crazy.

  • Starbird on July 2, 2010, 17:29 GMT

    I am helpless with hilarity after reading this account of your first encounter with the 'quicks'! It has helped me cope with Andy Murray being dumped out of the other summer sport just now...Laughter is the best anti-depressant! More autobiographical snippets please...

  • Anadi on July 2, 2010, 16:55 GMT

    Fantastic article :D I almost passed out laughing.. specifically the bit about the asthmatic brontosaurus!!! wonderful writing.. thank you Andy.. In a week of such unpredictability (England winning an ODI series against Australia) (India backing out surreptitiously from their support of John Howard), at least you've maintained the same level of consistency as far as making me fall off my chair laughing is concerned

  • warren on July 2, 2010, 16:40 GMT

    When-o-when are the English ever going to get over themselves?

  • Andrew Chan on July 2, 2010, 13:44 GMT

    Mr. Zaltzman , once again you have raised the bar in defining the whimsical reality of this game we call cricket. You have to pay respect for a game that genuflects to a symbol that was the death of it at one time: the Ashes. On a technical note, I suggest a shot of Valium to counter-act those naughty trigger movements: at 8 years old, maybe some cherry flavoured cough syrup.

  • karthick on July 2, 2010, 13:27 GMT

    I can't control laughing while reading the last three paragraphs. Andy my stomach aches man. Best humor I have read in recent days.

  • Ashutosh on July 2, 2010, 12:37 GMT

    I am fan of your posts. Keep Posting on cricinfo.

  • Imran on July 2, 2010, 12:21 GMT

    Funny blog Andy.As far as England's chances are concerned,they need to adapt to subcontinental conditions and they need Morgan and KP in fine form. Then the worldcup is their's to loose.

  • xxxxxx on July 2, 2010, 11:39 GMT

    Andy...you should have played for England ......and you have better career average than me , mine is 0.0025.....:-) :-)

    Nice article .....

  • Tony on July 2, 2010, 11:05 GMT

    aaah Mr Zaltzman - you have brightened my day with that anecdote!

    Well played good sir!

  • Bogie 55 on July 2, 2010, 10:45 GMT

    Wonderful description, Andy - my first encounter with a fast bowler, aged 12, saw me play two excellent back foot defensive strokes (right foot back and across, getting into line as taught). Sadly, the second ball was pitched a little too close to me to play back. The ball cannoned off the toe of my Gray Nicholls Classic onto my left foot's actual big toe, nutmegging myself with an accidental but perfect Cruyff turn to be bowled middle stump. My teammates and coach were unimpressed, and I spent the rest of the season down three places at eight.

  • Inky Pinky Ponky on July 2, 2010, 10:32 GMT

    Mr Zaltzman, as a recent resident of this planet I have only just happened upon your redoubtable column, and have since discovered what has been missing from my life. Having found myself enchanted by your musings on Shaun Tait's pace, and amused by your early 'trigger movement' somewhat betraying you, I would like to pose my first question: Is Mike Yardy's current trigger movement more aesthetically ugly than Chanderpaul's, and is Peter Willey's trigger-stance-movement the daddy of them all? (You may have noticed that's actually two questions). And a supplementary - what would be your price for wearing adverts under your eyes whilst batting (a la Chanderpaul) and what would you advertise there? (That's now four questions)

  • Sohel ahmed on July 2, 2010, 10:24 GMT

    Andy,what was the name of that eight year old hybrid,can you please tell us?I really wanna know.And once again the length of your blog seemed a bit too short.To tell you the truth,in deep down,i just dont want them to be ended at all.I want to read them for hours and hours and hours.....you have no match....you are the one

  • DERAJYDAC on July 2, 2010, 9:58 GMT

    The current ODI series, in my eyes is definately not affecting the interest of Australians for the Ashes. This being due to the fact the matches are played at obscene times for us thus if we were to watch it we would be staying up to 5am in the morning, combined with the fact that the series is barely being covered by media here

  • anand on July 2, 2010, 7:53 GMT

    im sure nobody ever told u this before but u r hilarious andy .... thank u for bringing a huze chuckle everytime

  • adway on July 2, 2010, 7:27 GMT

    Common Andy... You're losing your touch.

  • Sanchez on July 2, 2010, 6:54 GMT

    Very similar to my first game, where a brilliant innings of 3 when i batted at 10 (including a magnificent hook shot to the boundary which gave me a single) and the coach ordered me to open. First ball, an absolute belter and I tried to get my bat in the general vicinity of the ball. Edge, taken at slip, my career opening over.

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  • Sanchez on July 2, 2010, 6:54 GMT

    Very similar to my first game, where a brilliant innings of 3 when i batted at 10 (including a magnificent hook shot to the boundary which gave me a single) and the coach ordered me to open. First ball, an absolute belter and I tried to get my bat in the general vicinity of the ball. Edge, taken at slip, my career opening over.

  • adway on July 2, 2010, 7:27 GMT

    Common Andy... You're losing your touch.

  • anand on July 2, 2010, 7:53 GMT

    im sure nobody ever told u this before but u r hilarious andy .... thank u for bringing a huze chuckle everytime

  • DERAJYDAC on July 2, 2010, 9:58 GMT

    The current ODI series, in my eyes is definately not affecting the interest of Australians for the Ashes. This being due to the fact the matches are played at obscene times for us thus if we were to watch it we would be staying up to 5am in the morning, combined with the fact that the series is barely being covered by media here

  • Sohel ahmed on July 2, 2010, 10:24 GMT

    Andy,what was the name of that eight year old hybrid,can you please tell us?I really wanna know.And once again the length of your blog seemed a bit too short.To tell you the truth,in deep down,i just dont want them to be ended at all.I want to read them for hours and hours and hours.....you have no match....you are the one

  • Inky Pinky Ponky on July 2, 2010, 10:32 GMT

    Mr Zaltzman, as a recent resident of this planet I have only just happened upon your redoubtable column, and have since discovered what has been missing from my life. Having found myself enchanted by your musings on Shaun Tait's pace, and amused by your early 'trigger movement' somewhat betraying you, I would like to pose my first question: Is Mike Yardy's current trigger movement more aesthetically ugly than Chanderpaul's, and is Peter Willey's trigger-stance-movement the daddy of them all? (You may have noticed that's actually two questions). And a supplementary - what would be your price for wearing adverts under your eyes whilst batting (a la Chanderpaul) and what would you advertise there? (That's now four questions)

  • Bogie 55 on July 2, 2010, 10:45 GMT

    Wonderful description, Andy - my first encounter with a fast bowler, aged 12, saw me play two excellent back foot defensive strokes (right foot back and across, getting into line as taught). Sadly, the second ball was pitched a little too close to me to play back. The ball cannoned off the toe of my Gray Nicholls Classic onto my left foot's actual big toe, nutmegging myself with an accidental but perfect Cruyff turn to be bowled middle stump. My teammates and coach were unimpressed, and I spent the rest of the season down three places at eight.

  • Tony on July 2, 2010, 11:05 GMT

    aaah Mr Zaltzman - you have brightened my day with that anecdote!

    Well played good sir!

  • xxxxxx on July 2, 2010, 11:39 GMT

    Andy...you should have played for England ......and you have better career average than me , mine is 0.0025.....:-) :-)

    Nice article .....

  • Imran on July 2, 2010, 12:21 GMT

    Funny blog Andy.As far as England's chances are concerned,they need to adapt to subcontinental conditions and they need Morgan and KP in fine form. Then the worldcup is their's to loose.