England August 7, 2010

Red rectangles, and resting Pakistanis

Andrew Hughes manfully listens to wibble from Graham Onions, David Lloyd, Dwayne Bravo and Salman Butt

Tuesday August 3rd
Some people have alleged that there is something rather futile, not to say tedious about the Clydesdale Rest Home Tea-Time Under-40s Inter-Regional Shield. Such cynicism is entirely unwarranted. Today’s televised game between a team in red and a team in powder blue was an absorbing affair, although sad to say, I was unable to watch the contest uninterrupted as I’d forgotten to deactivate the boredom setting on my new fangled Japanese television and it kept turning itself off.

I did manage to hear parts of Graham Onions’ return to the commentary booth and he appeared to be doing a sterling job in keeping viewers up to date in the matter of his incapacitation (I forget which Onions appendage is currently inoperable, but I gather it is one of the more important ones). He did though, make the mistake of implying that he regarded the latest architectural innovation at Old Trafford with something less than admiration.

David Lloyd was quick to put him right. I think we can all agree that The Point is the reddest rectangular structure ever to be erected at a cricket ground and as gargantuan scarlet oblongs go, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a better one. I understand that future developments will include a day-glo green hospitality pyramid, featuring a rotating restaurant at the apex and, in place of that outdated pavilion, an enormous blue hospitality bean bag, capable of seating up to twenty obese sales executives.

Wednesday August 4th
Dwayne Bravo has expressed his opinion that Trinidad and Tobago are the best Twenty20 team in the Caribbean. It is a bold claim, though I’m sure he knows what he’s talking about. Still, it might be more satisfactory if there could be some sort of arrangement by which we could establish which team was the best. I’m thinking perhaps of a tournament, maybe involving all of the islands of the region, perhaps divided into two groups and culminating in some kind of final? We could call it, “The Deciding Which Is The Best Twenty20 Team In The Caribbean Trophy”.

Thursday August 5th
According to his captain, Kamran Akmal has not been dropped, he is merely resting. Such consideration on the part of the Pakistan team management is admirable and maintains their strong record on staff welfare, coming as it does so soon after the career breaks granted to Mohammad Yousuf and Younis Khan and the Test captaincy work experience scheme that was instigated earlier this summer. By allowing Kamran and Danish to put their feet up, Pakistan are ensuring that they will be fully recharged and re-energised in time for their recall for the fourth Test, by which time Zulqarnain Haider and Saeed Ajmal will no doubt be in need of a little rest of their own.

Friday August 6th
Salman Butt said at the toss this morning that he was batting first because he wanted to get a score on the board. I don’t think anyone can argue that he hasn’t achieved that, indeed, it is definitely mission accomplished as far as getting a score on the board goes. His critics should note that he made no commitment as to the size of the score in question, or indeed the number of digits that it would comprise.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • testli5504537 on August 24, 2010, 15:30 GMT

    Hattrick - I'm afraid the quote is "pining for the fjords" (he's a Norwegian Blue parrot, you see) not "the fiance" - as far as I know parrots (wherever they hail from) do not go in for any kind of formal pre-wedding agreements, they generally just get stuck in there. Andrew - dont let the critics get you down. You're hilarious - you should be on Radio 4 after the 6 o'clock news (or at least after TMS)

  • testli5504537 on August 9, 2010, 0:41 GMT

    @hattrick lol... dead parrot pinned to the cage..funny monty python refrence.

  • testli5504537 on August 7, 2010, 22:54 GMT

    Not at all funny. Stick to writing proper cricket articles and leave the jokes to the comedians (Andy Zaltzmann does not count)

  • testli5504537 on August 7, 2010, 21:59 GMT

    heads of to rizwan....

  • testli5504537 on August 7, 2010, 18:50 GMT

    Forget the players, Pakistan Cricket Board needs to be retired. We have seen too much of knee jerk reactions from the board. It is waste of time and dis-service to cricket that such a poor batting line up has been created. Salman Butt has not done anything since becoming the captain. Shoaib Malik is doing nothing. Should he be playing? PCB, Yousuf and Younis have to come up with an understanding that for the Pakistan Cricket they need to give up their differences. Third Test should be played by a different make up and the talent and hard work should represent Pakistan and not the average. If Pakistan does not improve, they would deserve to be demoted. PCB must come up with Yuosuf and Yuonis and other talented and hard working Pakistani cricketers. If there are no changes, Pakistan team needs to pack up and go back.

  • testli5504537 on August 7, 2010, 16:12 GMT

    I think what the Pakistan Team needs is a strong leader, like Imran or even Javed Miandad. After these people, they had people who are not strong or motivated. Individually the pakistan team is world class, with superb fast and spin bowlers and some very good batsmen like Salman, Imran, Yosuf, Younis and Malik.

  • testli5504537 on August 7, 2010, 14:49 GMT

    I think Pak should not play cricket. Have a look on other games Such as Football can be good. plenty supporters of football in Pakistan.

    Our cricket team is finished due to our crap Management rules. they never spend any single peny on this game so that they can brought up good players, rather than filling their on booty.

  • testli5504537 on August 7, 2010, 14:27 GMT

    A simple and straight read. Good work Andrew. As for Kamran Akmal, I dunno what the selectors will be thinking now that the 2nd test is underway. He is a batsman who can keep. Still he has done a fairly good job behind the stumps. As the second day action unfurled today I was wondeing how Aus lost to Pakistan. As regards Pakistan's win only one word popped to mind - FLUKE.

  • testli5504537 on August 7, 2010, 12:51 GMT

    Sahid afridi is realy great man,he know very well pakistani all player are dead parrot and he can`t do make a bad image in test mathes..so he has put retierment from the test match. i think pakistan give one chanch to kamran akmal and yasir hamid. i dint no why then not use yasir hamid.well special word for mohammad yusuf and yunush khan,they are very good in natural game ,why pak not use them.

  • testli5504537 on August 7, 2010, 7:14 GMT

    Kamran Akmal is not a dead parrot, 'e's not even resting. 'e's pining for the fiance'. Perhaps it's time for a visit to Notlob. The only reason he was standing behind the stumps was because 'e'd been nailed there. etc.

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