World Cup 2011 March 12, 2011

They do it with mirrors

Cricket Australia, that is
12

Tuesday, March 8 It’s been a hell of a summer in Australian cricket. But after a dignified pause for sombre reflection and careful consideration, Cricket Australia have chosen to pretend that Andrew Hilditch is definitely the man for the job and he will remain as ringmaster of the Circus of Selection Horrors until August or possibly later.

Explaining their decisive non-decision, chairman Jack Clarke explained that they were all waiting for the result of the Big Review of Everything which is expected in August or maybe November, depending how long it takes AB to type it up and Tubby Taylor to colour in the pictures. But he had this reassuring message:

“We’re looking forward for sustained future success, we’re not looking with rearview mirrors.”

He means metaphorical rearview mirrors, of course. But as any metaphorical driving instructor will tell you, it is important to check your metaphorical mirrors before you change direction, lest the articulated lorry of the past catch up to you again and run your rusty old vehicle of administration off the motorway of sustained future success.

Wednesday, March 9 So Kevin Pietersen is going home and England must find a new temporary replacement opener. But Andrew Strauss confirmed that whilst the big man will be flying back to Blighty, KP’s ego will be staying on in India.

“KP will be a big loss, no question, but it will still be good to have his ego around the dressing room, looking at itself in the mirror, Tweeting rubbish and encouraging the other lads by reminding them how much poorer they are as cricketers.”

Thursday, March 10 Imagine a man who wakes up one day and wonders what would happen if he hit himself on the head with a frying pan. He tries it; it hurts. Fair enough, you live and learn. But then a little while later, he wonders if he made too hasty a judgement. So he does it again. It hurts again. Hmm. Its looking pretty conclusive, he thinks. One more try? Now his head hurts, his dinner is ruined and he is able to deduce from all this that hitting yourself on the head with a frying pan is both painful and pointless. Yet, for reasons impossible to fathom, the Pakistan cricket team continues to beat itself about the cranium with a pan called Kamran.

Friday, March 11 England’s entertaining defeat today appears to have been the final straw for the ICC who have announced that their Implausibility Department will be investigating the string of unusually nail-biting victories and suspiciously thrilling losses that England have produced since they arrived in India. An ICC spokesperson stressed that they did not believe the men in dingy blue had been doing deals with bookmakers.

“It’s much more sinister than that. We suspect that certain England players have been engineering close finishes in order to produce a more entertaining post-tournament review DVD. Perhaps they are hoping for an Oscar nomination.”

Speculation intensified when it was rumoured that Quentin Tarantino was spotted on the England’s team balcony during the brutal post-modernist defeat to Ireland and that Bruce Willis had been seen practising in Matt Prior’s place ahead of the Bangladesh game. But Bob Willis, a leading film critic, was unimpressed.

“The plots are totally unrealistic, the dialogue from behind the stumps is wooden and unconvincing and quite frankly, James Anderson is just not believable in the role of an international fast bowler.”

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • ali on March 13, 2011, 3:53 GMT

    the sensation England team has been able to produce in last 6 months is marvelous( starting from the collapses against Pakistan). ICC must look in to the collapses and linkages of players. eye brows should be raised, integrity of game is at stake, u cant loose to two minnows having won back to back ashes. just look at the tied match, ah....just ridiculous. but again how can ICC look, blind for those who pay percentage. good luck cricket

  • arnab on March 13, 2011, 2:30 GMT

    "James Anderson is just not believable in the role of an international fast bowler.” HAHAHA classic! harsh but if judge him on this WC- he has been poor.. and as for hilditch staying on.. god help australian cricket

  • Kent on March 12, 2011, 21:41 GMT

    The line about AB and Tubby Taylor is gold!! Funniest piece about the current sham that is Criket Autralia I have read for an age!!

  • Zaheer Abbasi on March 12, 2011, 19:06 GMT

    Kamran Vs. Pakistan the horror show continues & I am afraid it will culminate, in Pakistan out of the WC in the Quarter Finals-talk of loyalty,to the point of utter madness & stupidity. One thing though,while we the Pakistani fans continue to suffer-all of you, the journalists should offer your profound thanks to the management & the coaching staff of PCB, to continuously provide you with hilarious (except that it hurts] material to write about.

  • Zaheer Abbasi on March 12, 2011, 19:02 GMT

    Kamran Vs. Pakistan the horror show continues & I am afraid it will culminate, in Pakistan out of the WC in the Quarter Finals-talk of loyalty,to the point of utter madness & stupidity. One thing though,while we the Pakistani fans continue to suffer-all of you, the journalists should offer your profound thanks to the management & the coaching staff of PCB, to continuously provide you with hilarious (except that it hurts] material to write about.

  • shafiq khan on March 12, 2011, 14:50 GMT

    very much true about postion of kamran in pakistan team but not be panic at this stage. try and solve it with good thinking, u kmal as keeper and some body to bat down the order.

  • Mohammad Amir on March 12, 2011, 13:23 GMT

    Kamran is a disgrace to Pakistan and Cricket.

  • Khuram Khan on March 12, 2011, 9:58 GMT

    Correctly put about Kamran and the Pakistan Team (Coach ,basically)

  • Clancy on March 12, 2011, 9:18 GMT

    Ha, ha. Independent Review panel, what a joke. It has James Sutherland and Malcolm Speed on it. It will be a big waste of money and time.

  • BunburyPete on March 12, 2011, 8:46 GMT

    I agree with your view on selectors Andrew, you need to generate new blood or you could end up rehashing tired old things. Look how long writers have been rehashing old jokes about Hilditch, its time they find new jokes.

  • ali on March 13, 2011, 3:53 GMT

    the sensation England team has been able to produce in last 6 months is marvelous( starting from the collapses against Pakistan). ICC must look in to the collapses and linkages of players. eye brows should be raised, integrity of game is at stake, u cant loose to two minnows having won back to back ashes. just look at the tied match, ah....just ridiculous. but again how can ICC look, blind for those who pay percentage. good luck cricket

  • arnab on March 13, 2011, 2:30 GMT

    "James Anderson is just not believable in the role of an international fast bowler.” HAHAHA classic! harsh but if judge him on this WC- he has been poor.. and as for hilditch staying on.. god help australian cricket

  • Kent on March 12, 2011, 21:41 GMT

    The line about AB and Tubby Taylor is gold!! Funniest piece about the current sham that is Criket Autralia I have read for an age!!

  • Zaheer Abbasi on March 12, 2011, 19:06 GMT

    Kamran Vs. Pakistan the horror show continues & I am afraid it will culminate, in Pakistan out of the WC in the Quarter Finals-talk of loyalty,to the point of utter madness & stupidity. One thing though,while we the Pakistani fans continue to suffer-all of you, the journalists should offer your profound thanks to the management & the coaching staff of PCB, to continuously provide you with hilarious (except that it hurts] material to write about.

  • Zaheer Abbasi on March 12, 2011, 19:02 GMT

    Kamran Vs. Pakistan the horror show continues & I am afraid it will culminate, in Pakistan out of the WC in the Quarter Finals-talk of loyalty,to the point of utter madness & stupidity. One thing though,while we the Pakistani fans continue to suffer-all of you, the journalists should offer your profound thanks to the management & the coaching staff of PCB, to continuously provide you with hilarious (except that it hurts] material to write about.

  • shafiq khan on March 12, 2011, 14:50 GMT

    very much true about postion of kamran in pakistan team but not be panic at this stage. try and solve it with good thinking, u kmal as keeper and some body to bat down the order.

  • Mohammad Amir on March 12, 2011, 13:23 GMT

    Kamran is a disgrace to Pakistan and Cricket.

  • Khuram Khan on March 12, 2011, 9:58 GMT

    Correctly put about Kamran and the Pakistan Team (Coach ,basically)

  • Clancy on March 12, 2011, 9:18 GMT

    Ha, ha. Independent Review panel, what a joke. It has James Sutherland and Malcolm Speed on it. It will be a big waste of money and time.

  • BunburyPete on March 12, 2011, 8:46 GMT

    I agree with your view on selectors Andrew, you need to generate new blood or you could end up rehashing tired old things. Look how long writers have been rehashing old jokes about Hilditch, its time they find new jokes.

  • lewisc on March 12, 2011, 8:02 GMT

    Hilarious - needed a laugh after yesterday's England defeat, now at least I know the reason for this stress is that the team have sold the tournament rights to Warner Brothers.

  • Roger on March 12, 2011, 7:18 GMT

    "England’s entertaining defeat today appears to have ......" lol

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  • Roger on March 12, 2011, 7:18 GMT

    "England’s entertaining defeat today appears to have ......" lol

  • lewisc on March 12, 2011, 8:02 GMT

    Hilarious - needed a laugh after yesterday's England defeat, now at least I know the reason for this stress is that the team have sold the tournament rights to Warner Brothers.

  • BunburyPete on March 12, 2011, 8:46 GMT

    I agree with your view on selectors Andrew, you need to generate new blood or you could end up rehashing tired old things. Look how long writers have been rehashing old jokes about Hilditch, its time they find new jokes.

  • Clancy on March 12, 2011, 9:18 GMT

    Ha, ha. Independent Review panel, what a joke. It has James Sutherland and Malcolm Speed on it. It will be a big waste of money and time.

  • Khuram Khan on March 12, 2011, 9:58 GMT

    Correctly put about Kamran and the Pakistan Team (Coach ,basically)

  • Mohammad Amir on March 12, 2011, 13:23 GMT

    Kamran is a disgrace to Pakistan and Cricket.

  • shafiq khan on March 12, 2011, 14:50 GMT

    very much true about postion of kamran in pakistan team but not be panic at this stage. try and solve it with good thinking, u kmal as keeper and some body to bat down the order.

  • Zaheer Abbasi on March 12, 2011, 19:02 GMT

    Kamran Vs. Pakistan the horror show continues & I am afraid it will culminate, in Pakistan out of the WC in the Quarter Finals-talk of loyalty,to the point of utter madness & stupidity. One thing though,while we the Pakistani fans continue to suffer-all of you, the journalists should offer your profound thanks to the management & the coaching staff of PCB, to continuously provide you with hilarious (except that it hurts] material to write about.

  • Zaheer Abbasi on March 12, 2011, 19:06 GMT

    Kamran Vs. Pakistan the horror show continues & I am afraid it will culminate, in Pakistan out of the WC in the Quarter Finals-talk of loyalty,to the point of utter madness & stupidity. One thing though,while we the Pakistani fans continue to suffer-all of you, the journalists should offer your profound thanks to the management & the coaching staff of PCB, to continuously provide you with hilarious (except that it hurts] material to write about.

  • Kent on March 12, 2011, 21:41 GMT

    The line about AB and Tubby Taylor is gold!! Funniest piece about the current sham that is Criket Autralia I have read for an age!!