August 17, 2011

The Robert De Niro of Indian cricket

The man who is Fred Trueman in Mark Ealham’s body

Saturday, 13th August I was wrong about Praveen Kumar. I thought he would be squad-filler, a scorecard padder-out, the man who dries the handkerchief with which Zaheer wipes his brow. I knew him as a growly plodder, a dibbly dobbler, a bit of a tail-end thrasher. Typical Twenty20 star, you know the type: all goatee and no chest hair.

I was wrong. After three successive Waterloos (or if you like, a Waterloo, a Trafalgar and a retreat from Moscow) he is the only one still standing, albeit with a wonky ankle. That injury is not surprising, considering he has hit the bowling crease 951 times already this summer in exchange for 15 of the toughest wickets runs can buy.

He’s like Fred Trueman in Mark Ealham’s body. He trots in off a few gentle steps, offers a Pringle-esque unfurling of the right wrist, followed by a Ray Lindwall follow-through and the stare of an angry father who knows you’ve been hanging round his daughter. He’s the Robert de Niro of Indian cricket. He’s tougher than Ganguly and cooler than Dhoni. Praveen for captain, I say.

Sunday, 14th August England are top. But people will soon be trying to knock them off their perch, as if they were a row of jelly bean-filled parrot-shaped pinatas. So how to keep it real? Or for those of us used to years of disappointment, who find this outbreak of unmitigated English success makes us dizzy, how to keep it unreal?

Andy and Andrew have already set some new targets. Win in Pakistan. Win in Sri Lanka. The Test Championship. The 2012 Balti Pie-Eating Trophy. KP has a new book of word searches, and Alastair Cook has been challenged to reach Level 3 of the hit console game, Super Mario Takes No Risks In Attaining His Goal.

But there is a nagging feeling that we have forgotten something. It is there in Michael Vaughan’s patriotic ramblings, as he pauses momentarily in the middle of explaining how England are the greatest team ever. What is it? Did we leave the gas on? Did we forget to feed the fish? Oh no, now I remember. We haven’t beaten South Africa.

They are the forgotten contender. The other Klitschko. And I imagine that somewhere near the tip of the world’s warmest continent a collection of burly men are probably getting quite annoyed about it. I imagine Mr Steyn and Mr Morkel sitting by their pool, pet crocodile splashing happily at their feet, a couple of antelope on the braai.

“D’ya see that Morne?” “Ja Dale.” “Think they’re No. 1, eh, Morne.” “Ja Dale.” “Well we’ll show them next summer, won’t we.” “Ja Dale.” “The only recall Bell will be getting is the ambulance to take him home from hospital.” “Ha Ha Ha, good one Dale.” “Shut up now Morne.” “Ja Dale.”

Monday, 15th August After the epic defeat comes the post mortem. As an Englishman I’ve been through this sort of thing before, so I can offer some advice to the BCCI. Trust me, you can get through this. There is, however, a shopping list of psychological props that you’ll need to tick off before you can get closure.

1. Someone to blame. This is the easiest part and much preferable to blaming, say, a system, a culture or a lack of planning. Prime candidates are usually unpopular fringe players or, if you have one, a foreign coach, who almost certainly doesn’t understand how things are done round here, because he is foreign.

2. A minor administrative shuffle disguised as a bold fresh statement of intent for the nation’s cricket. I suggest changing your stationery contract and firing the guy who repairs the photocopier in the chairman of selectors’ office.

3. A country to model yourself on. Australia’s currency in this market is devalued these days. But Sri Lanka managed to put up a decent fight this summer and they seem like fun. So practise saying after me: “I wish we were more like Sri Lanka.”

4. Diversion. Like toddlers, the press are easily distracted. They’ll soon stop complaining if you show them a shiny new toy. What’s that, Mr Manohar? It’s Champions League time again! Hooray! Test cricket? Never heard of it!

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

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  • fanedlive on August 29, 2011, 16:34 GMT

    "I wish we were more like Sri Lanka" Hahahahaha! This No. 1 business is overhyped, if England went to India in 4 months, their bowlers would probably be ground to dust (apart from Swann and Panesar) India could win that series, but England stand a better chance in SA than India ever will, I was surprised that India couldn't play the short ball at all. Steyn and Morkel would've sent 6 of them to hospital.

  • fanedlive on August 19, 2011, 6:27 GMT

    Brilliant shopping list!

  • fanedlive on August 19, 2011, 0:00 GMT

    Love the last part...

  • fanedlive on August 18, 2011, 4:50 GMT

    Amazing. I laughed like mad in office at "all goatee and no chest hair".

    I am amazed that you don't have a facebook fan page. Silly, seriously.

  • fanedlive on August 18, 2011, 2:01 GMT

    I presume Level 3 would be 300 points? :P

  • fanedlive on August 17, 2011, 22:32 GMT

    Hilarious! " It is there in Michael Vaughan’s patriotic ramblings, as he pauses momentarily in the middle of explaining how England are the greatest team ever. What is it? Did we leave the gas on? Did we forget to feed the fish? Oh no, now I remember. We haven’t beaten South Africa." Awesome :D

  • fanedlive on August 17, 2011, 21:13 GMT

    The poolside convo was the best! There is no true No.1 yet. How many of these teams have won consistently at home and abroad? If Ind are imposters who got there by playing a lot at home what did Eng do just now? What did SA do when they played the imposters - choke and unchoked by Kallis?

    It will take a lot to get to the Aussie heights before any of these teams can claim that they are world champions. Till then it will be a 3 or 4 way circus but hey that is a lot of fun! It was quite boring when Aussies used to dominate!

  • fanedlive on August 17, 2011, 20:24 GMT

    Test cricket carnage will be soon forgotten in the melee of IPL carnival.

  • fanedlive on August 17, 2011, 19:18 GMT

    Great article! Very hilarilous!

  • fanedlive on August 17, 2011, 18:52 GMT

    Good one Hughes,likes u say,both of these guys have not beaten SA last time..So we'll see next june or july for that matter..

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