August 12, 2013

Monty's P: sprinkling spinner's 'secret diary' explains all

As told to Alan Tyers
Monty Panesar had a forgettable day, New Zealand v England, 3rd Test, Auckland, 1st day, March 22, 2013
Some days it just doesn't come out right  © Getty Images


Obviously I am disappointed. I tried to keep it in the right areas but at the end of the day I've ended up spraying it everywhere and covering those two bouncers. But I'm not too down about it: I'll be looking to get back into the elite monitoring unit at Loughborough, if I can rustle up the 30p charge, and work on one or two technical things - finding a toilet, not confusing a doorman for a urinal, looking to tweak my action: whip, shake, zip. Whip, shake, zip. There's room for improvement, for sure.

As I say, obviously things could have gone better in Brighton. Trying and failing to take refuge from irate, urine-soaked doormen in a pizza parlour before getting arrested isn't necessarily an ideal end to what had started as a pretty good night, but some of the coverage in the media has been disappointing. But it's like we say in the England set-up: we cannot control what other people are doing, we can only control the things we can control. Other than our bladders in this case, obviously.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt by some of the comments from ex-players, though. When someone like a Shane Warne says, "Monty hasn't been on 33 nights out, he's been on the same night out 33 times" then, as I say, that is hurtful. Shane was obviously a great bowler but you expect more from someone who has battled his own demons with diuretics. I thought I actually varied my trajectory and the pace of my stream pretty well on this occasion.

I suppose earlier in my career it was fair to say that I wasn't much use apart from as a spinner, but I think that's changing now. They used to say I couldn't deal with bouncers: I feel I've definitely answered my critics on that score.

My team-mates past and present have been a big help to me over these last few days. Obviously Andrew Flintoff has been there and bought the t-shirt when it comes to having a few drinks in the context of a legitimate letting off of steam in a way which unfortunately got out of hand and for which he's held his hand up in the right areas and come to the party. To be fair it was probably the coming to the party that led to all this mess in the first place, but obviously I have to look at my own decision-making; for instance, when the bar staff were shouting, "Who wants free tequila?" and I executed my skill sets to keep putting my hand up and going, "Me, me, me."

Freddie's been a rock for me this week, and he even reckons he can get me on one of his TV shows - Freddie Flintoff's World's Peed Off Peed On Bouncers For Charity on UK Dave Plus Two. Apparently Danny Dyer is on board for the reality documentary fly-on-the-wall series; he's going to co-host with Fred, while me and Carol Thatcher will be team captains challenging a galaxy of celebrities to have a slash on a bouncer before trying to hide out in a Papa John's and then go on a charity bike ride.

As I say, there's a lot of positives to take from the situation. 1

More definitely made-up tomfoolery in CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries, here

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Posted by   on (August 12, 2013, 13:32 GMT)

Monty's act was protest against the covered pitches.....

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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