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Bringing it all back home

Seven ways to make the IPL in South Africa a more authentically Indian experience

ICC Champions Trophy, India v Sri Lanka, Final, 29th September 2002, Colombo (RPS)
Law 17A of the cricket-watching experience: spectators must insert themselves into the stadium, one at a time, through an aperture in a metal fence provided for the purpose. © ESPNcricinfo Ltd

1. All local VIPs must travel with a full contingent
If you're a celebrity, you better bring along your kids, nephews, nieces, uncles, spouse's uncles, grandparents, second cousins, step sisters and anyone else who may stand a chance of sharing DNA with you. Why? Because that's how we do it in India.

Also, tickets available to the general public must not exceed the number of concrete benches in the stadium.

2. All regular spectators must come bearing nothing
No bottles, cigarettes, lighters, cameras, food, children, bags, caps, horns, fans or anything that will enhance the cricket-watching experience and/or distract them from the cricket. It's not the Indian way.

3. Single exits
Leave only one narrow gate open for the spectators to leave. Agonisingly slow must be the departure for it to feel just like back home.

4. The TV anchors for the telecasts must be models
No cricket experts, thank you. We don't want to know why slower balls just didn't work on the Centurion pitch. Instead, get them to ask Graeme Smith if he didn't think Preity Zinta's latest movie was fab.

5. Have Shah Rukh Khan fly in even more of his buddies from Bollywood
Not only can they entertain the spectators with pre-match performances, but once they fill up the VIP enclosures it will look just like Kolkata or Mumbai of 2008.

6. Hit the lights
Want to bring the atmosphere of Eden Gardens into Newlands? You could do worse than an unscheduled floodlight failure or two. Last season two of Kolkata's home games suffered blackouts. Fours and sixes aren't enough to get the spine tingling. We promise not to make any Dark Knight jokes.

7. Cage 'em
Put 10-foot high metal barricades between the stands and the ground to give the spectators the unique experience of viewing the game through tiny individual two-inch squares. Brings perspective.

Nishi Narayanan is a staff writer at Cricinfo

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