Moores hits back at Vaughan, Akabusi and unresponsive cones

The dressing room was deserted apart from head coach Peter Moores, who was arranging cones carefully.

"Right lads," said Moores to the empty room. "Michael Vaughan has come out in his book and described me as an irritating bossyboots who is obsessed with hard physical training and has even said that I just parrot a load of meaningless management-speak that I've read in successful peoples' autobiographies.

"Well, firstly, that's a negatively focused situational interpretation. And b, Together Everybody Achieves More, yeah? T-E-A-M, right? There's no 'I' in 'team', but there is in 'In-Focus'. Duncan Bannatyne said that, in his inspirational book How To Win Friends And Be Scottish.

"And if it's good enough for Duncan Bannatyne to open over 60 health clubs in major locations all over the United Kingdom, to say nothing of mentoring the entrepreneurs of tomorrow on Dragons' Den, then it's good enough for me."

Moores broke off from his speech to shout at one of the cones for "not pushing hard enough on a beep test". He instructed the cone "to run around the park" three times while thinking about "its levels of positivityness" and asking itself "if it had put its hand up and given 110".

"Now lads," he continued, while performing a series of perfectly executed press-ups. "Obviously some people might not think it's ideal that the former England captain has told the world he effectively thinks I'm a total nitwit. But there are a lot of positives I can take from the situation.

"Number one, 'that which does not destroy me makes me stronger'. Do you know who said that? Anyone? Anyone? It was Friedrich Nietzsche. Or was it Kriss Akabusi, at the Winning Winners Know How To Win seminar, 2008, at Nantwich Business Park And Clutch Repair Centre? I forget. But the point is… well, I forget what the point is. Let's all do some star jumps."

Moores ran around the dressing room for some minutes.

"Wait, yes. Secondly, I am not destroyed, I am coach of Lancashire, yeah? And I am getting stronger. Getting strong now."

Moores became agitated and started shouting.

"Getting strong now. Gonna fly now. I'm Rocky. Adriaaan. Adriaaaaaan."

Seemingly exhausted, Moores slumped on an upturned empty crate of Malibu marked "Freddie's Propurty Hands Off". He began muttering about Kevin Pietersen, occasionally leaping up to do a few jumping jacks. The cones remained static. Night fell.