This, that and the other. Mostly the other
The Sri Lankan cricket team's premier bus driver has resigned from his post following the team's defeat to India in the World Cup final. The news comes in the wake of several high-profile resignations and retirements in Sri Lankan cricket, including captain Kumar Sangakkara, vice-captain Mahela Jayawardene, coach Trevor Bayliss, the selection panel headed by Aravinda de Silva, and all-round nice guy Muttiah Muralitharan.
Bus driver Keerthi Peiris said it was a logical time for him to step down as he did not see himself doing the job for much longer, and it made sense for Sri Lanka Cricket to find a long-term replacement looking forward to the 2015 World Cup.
"I'm almost 65 and my position at the front of the bus can't be guaranteed in four years' time, particularly with the amount of gunfire you have to avoid with this bunch, so it's time to pass the reins to someone younger," Mr Peiris said.
"Also, I'm just really sick of hauling around Tillakeratne Dilshan's ridiculous gold chain collection. That guy can suck it."
Mr Peiris also said his decision came at a good time for Sri Lankan cricket, with wholesale resignations elsewhere symbolising a new beginning for the team.
"With the new-look team that Sri Lanka will have over the next few months, it makes sense to choose a bus driver who will take the team in a new direction. Possibly north-northeast, or perhaps even due south - it's up to him really."
He also said that while it had been a pleasurable experience transporting his nation's cricketers from place to place, he still had a few regrets.
"I'm sorry the players couldn't win the World Cup. Maybe things would have been different if I had taken the less bumpy route to the Wankhede Stadium or if I hadn't thrown Lasith Malinga's Girls Aloud compilation CD out the window. But you know, you can't dwell on those things, because it really was a hideous collection of songs and Malinga would not stop playing it in the bus."
Several others are being tipped by pundits to be the next bus driver for the Sri Lankan team. The current frontrunners are said to be another driver who is currently responsible for transporting Dilshan's ego, which requires a separate bus, and Angelo Mathews.
On hearing the news, SLC Chairman DS de Silva said the board would not only sit down to discuss the appointment of a new driver over the next few days, but that given the current tide, the cricket board as a whole would consider resigning from its position as the country's cricket administration body, to give the team a really really fresh start.
"En masse resignations are generally the best way to deal with losing a World Cup final, so we're certainly looking at that as an option," de Silva said.
This article is dedicated to the memory of Trevor Chesterfield. A lover of cricket and satire, it's the kind of thing he would have enjoyed.
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