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The Secret Diary of Rahul Dravid, Aged 29792 Balls

A day in the life of a certain Indian player. Warning: includes screaming, takeaway food, and sit-ups

Alan Tyers

Comments: 76 | Text size: A | A
Rahul Dravid and Sachin Tendulkar share a light moment during practice, Birmingham, August 8, 2011
When Sachin said he felt down, Rahul stepped up and helpfully tickled his side © Getty Images
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Series/Tournaments: India tour of England
Teams: India

Up early for a bit of private practice on my own. I've got a machine set up to simulate the sort of questions that Ian Ward might be asking me at the end of the day's play. It generates gushing compliments and I work on sidestepping them neatly, back and across, back and across, playing with a straight bat: "Of course, it's nice to do well but the team is what is most important."

After a few hours of that it's time to tidy up the dressing room.

Gave Sreesanth his rusk. Did some fitness training; Virender asked me if I wouldn't mind doing his as well. Said okay. He hurt his shoulder reaching for a particularly well-stuffed, heavy piece of pizza. If somebody has to step into the breach and do his sit-up for him, then I'm happy to do that. It's important to remember that everyone is different.

Fletcher came up, said he had spent the morning reading the bible. I assumed he meant that book he carries around everywhere (Forward Press: The Key to Runs, Success and Happiness) but he meant the actual Bible. He said it had given him an idea, and asked me if I wouldn't mind performing another miracle. I shrugged and said, sure, whatever the team needs.

I went into the kitchen. It was crowded in there; that would explain why none of the boys were at practice. It's important to remember that everyone prepares in their own way. I guess.

Thought I'd whip up a bit of a meal for the boys. I made a 23-course banquet, dishes from all over our country, some of them extremely intricate and labour-intensive to prepare. Eventually it was all ready. Most of the younger ones didn't want it, and said it was "gross". Viru sent out for some KFC and they all had that. Still, different strokes for different folks as they say. I wasn't in the least offended, although I was a little tired.

I went through to the dressing room to rest for a minute. I had been up all night doing the team laundry and because Suresh had a bad dream: he dreamed he had to bat in a Test match.

Had just shut my eyes for five or 10 seconds' sleep (weak of me, I know, but I do have my little treats every now and again) when there was shouting from the kitchen. RP and Zaheer had eaten all the food. There was a sound of sobbing. I assumed it was because Sehwag didn't get any, but in fact it was Gautam.

"You know I get a headache if my blood sugar gets low," he shouted. "And my toe gets all sore and I get this really prickly feeling in my knee, and why is everyone so selfish and mean?" Most of the others ignored him and went back to fighting over the last remaining scraps of chicken or counting their money.

I was at my wits' end, really. I called over to Sachin and said: "Can you help me out at all with this lot?" He was sitting in his favourite armchair in the corner of the room. "Sorry, Rahul," he said. "I'm happy right here and I'm not budging for nobody. You'll have to sort it out yourself."

RSS FeedAll quotes and "facts" in this piece are made up. But you knew that already, didn't you?
More imaginary boys in CrickiLeaks - The Secret Ashes Diaries by Tyers and Beach

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Posted by Srinivas on (August 26, 2011, 17:09 GMT)

@sachin86, IF Dravid is an overrated Teamman, where does that put the rating of Sachin? hahaha.....try and think...two words selfish and timid should come to your mind immediately.....hahaha.....the whole world has seen it on this tour. The staunchest of Sachin fans have developed some sort of aversion to Sachin, not that he failed abysmally with the bat but because of the fact that he didn't come out of his comfort zone at various points when the team needed him to. Wake up!

Posted by Amit on (August 26, 2011, 8:35 GMT)

The accusations and criticizes only show the short term memory of the fans. Sachin's CV is complete with the world cup victory and whatever he accomplishes from now is an added milestone. No one's touching his records, not for the next 20 years at least. A few month's ago, more than a billion people were praying for a World Cup to their cricketing Gods and now they have new demands. Grow Up KIDS....

Posted by Ashish on (August 26, 2011, 7:02 GMT)

Funny......exaggerated of course, but funny. Shows the selflessness of Dravid but at the expense of undermining some of the others' efforts. It's not that no one else tried, but only he succeeded. As someone rightly said, if Sachin's got so much praise, then he's also more criticized than Dravid. REmember Wankhede, anyone??

Posted by Vats on (August 26, 2011, 6:11 GMT)

This article is hilarious! LOL

Posted by sean on (August 26, 2011, 3:54 GMT)

Why should the best batsman of the team open the innings?besides,sachin never opened in tests.Dravid is overrated as a "team man".When it's been 5 years before ENG and WI series since he played a meaningful knock.All of a sudden now when sachin failed in one series people are criticizing him.Well,if you people really think dravid never got his credit like sachin ,then he also was never criticized like sachin gets criticized every now and then for each and every failure and also for scoring a century saying that it's a personal milestone.

nobody feels comfortable paying in a position other than the normal slot.We've seen what happened in 2007WC.Except for this series dravid always failed as an opener.No.3 is where he feels comfortable.

Anyways,a very funny article though.:D

Posted by Srinivas on (August 25, 2011, 20:42 GMT)

hahaha......the role of Rahul Sharad Dravid in the History of Indian Cricket. mention of any cricket action but lucid representation of the Indian Team and Squad. An absolute masterpiece! I hope the overhyped pretenders in the Indian Squad read this masterpiece. Comment on Sachin's role was mint. hahaha and absolutely true. I'm glad I'm not his fan and will never be. Rahul Dravid, take a bow! You are THE MAN, Sir!

Posted by Dummy4 on (August 25, 2011, 15:04 GMT)

Sachin part was absolutely true!!! Awesssomme :) :)

Posted by Abdul on (August 24, 2011, 17:32 GMT)

No-one has said it as yet, but I guess we can all agree that Rahul Dravid is actually enjoying his second wind. A rebirth - similar to what Tendulkar has had/been having. It's great to see that Dravid is finally getting the recognition that he deserves after all that he has done forhis country. I was worried that he was just going to be shunted aside like what happened to Ganguly. He was also a great batsman but hardly remembered. Dravid has shot into second place for most career test runs. Everyone expected Ponting to be the one chasing after Sacchin. It's a longshot but I feel like opening a can of worms with the following question: Do we even dare to speculate that Dravid will overtake SRT? While I am on this tangent - JACQUES KALLIS - a name to watch. Fun times ahead!!!!!!

Posted by Chandni on (August 24, 2011, 14:56 GMT)

SUPER-DUPER AWESOME!!!!!totally amazing!!!HILARIOUS!!

Posted by VINEET on (August 24, 2011, 8:44 GMT)

That SRT part was top stuff!!!!!!!!Well written article Alan...Feel pity for Rahul aka Wall

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan TyersClose
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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