The Heavy Ball

This, that and the other. Mostly the other

In which KP secures his glorious future

We take a look at the latest viral video starring the Great One

Alan Tyers

Comments: 10 | Text size: A | A
Kevin Pietersen spent the day in the outfield, Surrey v Lancashire, County Championship, Division One, Guildford, July 11, 2012
Note oblique cap-based homage to Kim Jong Il © Getty Images
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Interior of a well-appointed living room. Pictures of Kevin Pietersen on walls. Camera pans round to reveal Kevin Pietersen, dressed in full military uniform of North Korea.

KP: Hi. I'm Kevin Pietersen. You may remember me from such triumphant public relations videos as "Let Me Back In The Team - I've Got Kids To Feed", "I Never Texted Them Things", and the YouTube sensation "Peter Moores: His Role In 9/11".

Flunky runs across screen to fiddle with tape recorder. Pietersen looks on impatiently. Tape recorder eventually plays noise of crowd cheering and shouting "We love you glorious helmsman KP". Suspicion that they may just be one South African voice overdubbed several times.

KP: The adoration of the people means a great deal to me. While I have always loved playing for England, my career as an international superstar, inspiration to kids and film actor-director may be a short one. As a result, I have accepted this amazing opportunity to join the North Korean Premier League.

Flunky holds up cardboard sign with "North Korean Premier League Cricket" written on it in magic marker.

KP: To show that this film is not just a PR exercise, I shall now take questions from an independent interviewer.

Flunky: Your Magnificence... May I call you Your Magnificence?

KP: Ha ha ha. Look, you can call me anything you like, buddy.

Flunky: Thank you, Your Magnificence.

KP: Actually, it's "Sir Your Magnificence". But let's not get bogged down with that. Are you ready to ask me those tough questions which I have not had a chance to prepare answers to, effectively making this exactly like a press conference?

Flunky: Sir Your Magnificence, I am. Can you start off by telling the adoring viewers why you have decided to join the new North Korean Premier Cricket League?

KP: That's an excellent question. I feel that North Korea is providing an incredible opportunity for cricketers to come together and learn from each other. Will large amounts of money be involved? Sure. I'm not going to apologise for that. Certainly not to a bunch of thin-wallet small-timers like my highly respected England team-mates. But for me the chance to play cricket in North Korea, as well as controlling carefully my media attention and public image throughout the tournament, was too good to miss. Also, Twitter is banned there.

Flunky: And which other players are currently involved in the North Korean Premier Cricket League, Sir Your Magnificence?

KP: Well, no English ones obviously. Over my dead body. In fact, no other players at all. In partnership with the magnificent franchise in North Korea, I am, in fact, the only cricketer in the league, giving me a wonderful opportunity to learn from other amazing cricketers such as me, and test my skills against the best players the world has to offer, such as me.

Flunky: And how does this impact on your availability for England?

KP: Well, I have obviously had to take up North Korean citizenship, but the Dear Leader has been tremendously welcoming, and I have already risen to the rank of Most Glorious General in Charge Of Cricket and Films. However, despite my new national identity, my desire to play for England remains as great as ever. That is why I will continue to live in Chelsea but commute to Korea to play with myself.

Flunky: I'm not sure about that last line, Sir Your Magnificence. It makes you sound like a bit of a tosser.

KP: Nonsense. After this video, nobody will ever be able to say that about me ever again. My glorious future is assured.

RSS FeedAll quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
Alan Tyers has ghost-written a book for Premier League football legend Ronnie Matthews. It is called I Kick Therefore I Am

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Comments: 10 
Posted by   on (August 13, 2012, 21:11 GMT)

Absolutely hilarious, laugh out loud. Especially the last exchange. (Oh, and a few IPL apologists here need to get a sense of humour ;-) )

Posted by   on (August 13, 2012, 16:50 GMT)

Am I the only one who feels sorry for KP?

Posted by satyagorthy on (August 13, 2012, 16:02 GMT)

@Riyaz- don't want to get dragged in to a debate. England played on prepared pitches last year to play on India's weakness (every team does this). Even lords and oval pitches turned up green when they are usually spin friendly. India did lose Zahir- major blow on English pitches. Look at The SA match at Oval. England did not have guts to go green against the best pace (and apparently a real good spinner) attack. Result? BTW- Is Ian Bell still crying "mommy"...:)

Posted by TheGame666able on (August 13, 2012, 14:17 GMT)

Geez.I thought we were done with all the IPL bashing and now this again.Frankly its not funny anymore,it just seems bitter.

Posted by kabe_ag7 on (August 13, 2012, 10:54 GMT)

@indiasupbangalore Pretty sure the joke was entirely on KP's ego and not on India or even IPL in this one.

Posted by switchmitch on (August 13, 2012, 9:49 GMT)

...lol...but aren't we missing the actual point? This is what happens when you select foreign players to represent national teams...no commitment...

Posted by   on (August 13, 2012, 9:48 GMT)

Hey indiasupbangalore if you havent noticed at least 4 other nations have 20/20 leagues. For gods sake even SLC has started one! its true wein Britain dont give much about 20/20 cricket but please dont take all the blame yourself we hate all the legues equally. Dont worry mate i support Sri Lanka but its going to be fun to watch India face england without Dravid hahaha. what a series that was have you forgotten it? its our on DVD can i send you one :p

Posted by   on (August 13, 2012, 9:35 GMT)

very funny... great read.

Posted by gerrardl on (August 13, 2012, 8:09 GMT)

hahahahaha! classic... KP genius. Sir Your Magnificence will be missed in the 3rd test for sure. Whatever people say, this is a champion batsman.

Posted by indiasupbangalore on (August 13, 2012, 7:27 GMT)

Well though I think to equate india to north korea is really funny, but I also see that english media is still indeed jealous about ipl, get a life re structure your friend's life t20 which is totally outdated. Anyways ecb is being too hard on kp, they are lame and england will loose no 1 hard earned position in test, england's position as no 1 team in odi is a joke and everyone knows it. Still I believe they are good test team, I am not complaining whatsoever without kp the task for india this november has become a little easier.

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan TyersClose
Alan Tyers Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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