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Fan held for saying Gayle not cool

And commentators to be sued for gross exaggeration

R Rajkumar

Comments: 4 | Text size: A | A
Chris Gayle's celebratory dance having caught Luke Wright at slip, England v West Indies, World Twenty20 2012, Super Eights, Pallekele, September 27, 2012
People who do not "like" this photo in the next five seconds will be forced to watch Graeme Swann's sprinkler dance on loop till the end of time © AFP

Person found claiming to think Gayle not cool
In shocking, inconceivable and just plain wrong news, a man was found yesterday claiming to think Chris Gayle was not cool. The scarcely believable person was overheard at the ground during the West Indies-England game saying, "Oh, man, now he's just embarrassing himself", while Gayle celebrated the fall of a wicket off his own bowling.

When taken into custody and asked to explain himself, the clearly deluded and possibly dangerous fan said the reason he'd fallen out of love with Gayle was because of the batsman's insistence on attempting the "Gangnam Style" dance as a celebration on the field. "I just don't think it's cool," said the fan, shrugging his shoulders. "In the first place, he's not even doing it right. His legs need to be spread out more. And secondly, even if he were doing it right, he'd still look just as awkward and embarrassing."

The ICC Anti-Corruption Unit has been called in to investigate whether the man was acting on his own or whether he is one of many indulging in such illegal behaviour.

Tracer bullet manufacturers to sue commentators for libel
Tracer bullet manufacturers appear to have finally had enough. "We do actually exist, you know," a spokesman said. "And frankly, we've had it up to the exit wounds with commentators constantly comparing a cricket ball trundling towards the boundary to the speed of a tracer bullet. That's right, I said 'trundling', which is what your cricket ball would look like it was doing if it raced against a real tracer bullet," the spokesman added with a condescending laugh.

When asked for his reaction, Ravi Shastri said "Oh, s@#t. I'm out of here, faster than a... uh... umm... Hi! My name's Ravi Shastri!"

David Lloyd makes gratuitous Oasis reference
David Lloyd made a totally uncalled-for Oasis reference during the first Super Eights match between Sri Lanka and New Zealand, when he anticipated the Super Over and called it the "Champagne Super Over", in reference to the popular Oasis song with a similar name, "Champagne Supernova". A strange, muffled sound could be heard the world over a few moments after Mr Lloyd made his comment, as co-commentators and cricket fans everywhere shifted uncomfortably in their seats, waiting for the queasy feeling that had assailed them to pass.

"Selectors who select selectors are a bunch of jokers" - Amarnath
Mohinder Amarnath has lashed out at the BCCI for not picking him as the next chairman of selectors. "These selectors who select selectors are just a bunch of jokers," he said. "The more things change, the more they stay the same," he added wisely. Amarnath said his being dropped had in fact been a blessing in disguise, because now he'd be able to live with himself calling selectors jokers than being one himself.

Body-painted Tendulkar fan hospitalised for lead poisoning
The bald, moustachioed Tendulkar fan who often shows up at India games with his entire body painted in the Indian tricolour, was hospitalised yesterday for lead poisoning. "Years of suffocating his skin with paint and the name 'Sachin Tendulkar' all over his body have sadly taken its toll," said Sachin Tendulkar sadly. "But I've seen to it that he's getting the very best in medical care so that he can make a full recovery at the earliest. And if he doesn't, I expect him to work through the pain, force himself to get up there and bare my name for all the world to see anyway."

R Rajkumar tweets here

All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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Comments: 4 
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Posted by anubhav on (October 2, 2012, 6:48 GMT)

Yup, i agree with Snehil, up until the last line para, it was a pretty funny column.

Posted by Dummy4 on (October 1, 2012, 19:18 GMT)

Great post - 'that queasy feeling' totally cracked me up :)

One complaint though - the last comment is not cool - i met Sachin's fan (his name is Sudhir btw) during the recent Ind-NZ test series, and was blown away by his story - the guy has simply dedicated his life to cricket - and all of his own accord - love him or hate him - but he epitomizes the ultimate Indian cricket fan - I would have stayed clear of lampooning him.

Posted by Deepanshu on (October 1, 2012, 10:06 GMT)

hahaha,,,even i was tired of a cricket ball being called tracer bullet,,, the commos better do find sumthng else to refer to a cracking shot,, how abt " It goes lyk Usain Bolt on d olympic track,,," wait, they may find themsleves in a suit for copyright infringement,,,nevermind. They'll find a way out..

Posted by Roy on (October 1, 2012, 8:55 GMT)

David Lloyd coins new cricket shot term.

To save time any ball clearing the ropes is routinely described by inanely shouting "Wallop" It is believed that the standard riposte from fellow commentators is "Codswallop"

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