This, that and the other. Mostly the other
Agarkar not in line for comeback
Ajit Agarkar deserves to be in the reckoning for a comeback to the national team, said nobody yesterday after the former India international put in another decent performance in the Ranji Trophy, this time to give his team Mumbai the crown.
"Though Agarkar is bowling even slower than he did when he played for India, and still trundles up to the crease like a man trying to run underwater, the important thing is that he's still taking wickets at regular intervals," said absolutely no one, I mean not a single soul yesterday, as Mumbai enjoyed the fruits of their toils.
"Who knows, maybe he could once again be the answer to India's fast bowling needs," added not even his mother, I mean come on.
Bowlers demand share of benefit of doubt
In what may prove to be the game's biggest civil rights issue yet, more bowlers have put up a strident chorus calling for the benefit of the doubt, for centuries the preserve of batsmen alone, to be given to bowlers as well.
Bowlers in the modern era have been slowly waking up to what they consider to be a gross violation of their inalienable rights. "Why should batsmen automatically get the benefit of the doubt? Don't bowlers play an equally important part of the game?" asked one young rights activist. "And don't even get me started on why bowlers are only allowed to sit in the backs of team buses and have separate drinking fountains..."
More batsmen tweeting their intentions from the crease
In what is a clear indication of changing times, more and more batsmen are taking to tweeting their intentions early to the bowler, as opposed to more traditional methods of broadcasting them. Kevin Pietersen was one of the first in the game to use a social media platform to tell bowlers what shot he intended to play before they had even released the ball. "You used to hear commentators chiding players for telegraphing their intentions too early, but not so much these days," he said, before adding: "I don't even know what a telegraph is."
Australia import giant rotisserie to aid player rotation
"Players should be rotated once every few months, like a set of old tires." The famous quote belongs, of course, to renowned cricket expert and butterfly collector Klaus Heinz Muckenfuss III, whose acclaimed and enormous body of work lines the walls of Cricket Australia headquarters. Were he still alive, the great man would be the first to congratulate the board on its recent acquisition of a giant people-rotisserie from his native Switzerland.
"This should simplify things a bit," confirmed Cricket Australia chairman of selectors John Inverarity. "This way the players are eased in and out of the team like, well, Swiss clockwork, with the added bonus of acquiring enviously even tans.
"Excuse me, I see Michael Clarke's juices are running clear," he said as he pressed a switch on the machine, which rotated the player, who it had to be said smelled delicious, into arbitrary contention for selection again.
Bailey considers flipping burgers after all
In somewhat related news, George Bailey is reportedly seriously considering flipping burgers for a living after all, after Channel 9 executive Brian McNamara turned him on to the idea. "I looked into working at McDonalds, and it turns out that there's better job security there than there is working for Cricket Australia and Channel 9," said Bailey. "You're less likely to be rotated out of a job, for one thing, and the only clown you have to deal with is Ronald McDonald. Plus, you get to take home a few stale chicken nuggets at the end of the day.
Man with painted flag on face asks wife if she wants him to keep it on at night
A man who had the flag of the country he supports painted onto his face during a recent ODI match finally worked up the nerve to ask his wife when he got home whether she'd like for him to, you know, leave it on for tonight.
When met with a blank stare, the man, who had become playful and coy, attempted to spell it out for her: "You know, just something to maybe spice things up a little...?" he tailed off suggestively and gave his wife of 35 years what he thought was a "naughty" look.
"Take that crap of your face before you turn in or you're sleeping on the couch again," his wife said gently. "Good night."
How to paper over the cracks after an ODI win
"The first thing you'll need is a nice wide brush and a table to spread the glue evenly over the paper," said MS Dhoni as he recently set about demonstrating, as part of an apparent public relations display of transparency orchestrated by the BCCI, the art of papering over the cracks after an ODI series win. "Make sure you place the first sheet at a corner of the crumbling wall* that is Indian cricket, and then work from there."
*All characters and architecture appearing in this paragraph are satirical. Any wall or crack therein bearing resemblance to Rahul Dravid is purely coincidental, not to mention just plain wrong.
R Rajkumar tweets here
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
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