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Watson still quiet about Dirty Dancing

That and other sordid secrets in our latest round-up of news you're bound to have missed

R Rajkumar

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Shane Watson with his Twenty20 International Player of the Year award, Melbourne, February 4, 2013
Shane Watson: never seen in the same room as Patrick Swayze © Getty Images
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Watson still not talking about Dirty Dancing
Shane Watson is still refusing to talk about the whole Dirty Dancing thing, even though it refuses to go away and continues to threaten the Australian allrounder's credibility as a serious cricketer.

"That's an episode we prefer not to talk about," confirmed Watson's agent yesterday. "Yes, Mr Watson starred in Dirty Dancing with Jennifer Grey. And yes, he continues to sport the same hairstyle as the dance instructor he played, but all that is in the past. He's a serious cricketer now, and would like to be considered as such. To that end, we welcome questions of a cricketing nature only." The agent was then interrupted by Watson himself, who leaned over and urgently whispered something into his ear.

"Mr Watson has just informed me that he will also take questions about the right kind of shampoo and hair conditioner to use in various circumstances," continued the agent in a small voice, before clearing his throat and adding: "as that continues to remain one of my client's enduring passions."

Bonus Australian player lookalike news: Hey, Mitchell Starc. The time-travel action adventure film Looper called. And it wants Joseph Gordon-Levitt back from the past. Or the future. Or whatever.

Struggling part-time bowler urged not to sell golden arm
A struggling part-time bowler is being counselled by his board not to sell his golden arm for Rs 9950, according to reports. The unnamed player is said to have arrived at the drastic decision after falling into financial troubles, which include, among other things, being sold for not a penny more than his base price of $500,000 at the IPL auction.

Sources confirm that the board has been locked in talks with the player in an effort to convince him not to lose the golden arm, which in the past has been responsible for at least three or four useful dismissals against the run of play for his national team. The board is expected to offer to set up some form of financial support structure for the player, and failing that, to inform him that an entire golden arm is worth much more than Rs 9950 and that they would sell it for him if he agrees to split the money 30-70.

Boards to request objection certificates from players
The international players' body has announced that henceforth cricket boards will need to receive Objection Certificates (OCs) from players before they can be allowed to forcibly include them in their respective national teams at the expense of appearing in the IPL. "Fair is fair," said Tim May.

Leaked SLC letter to Samaraweera
After initially refusing to accept Thilan Samaraweera's retirement, the Sri Lankan cricket board only changed its mind after learning that a damning letter in response to the batsman's original request was to be leaked today, according to a source. The following is the letter:

Dear Mr Samaraweera

We thank you for expressing interest in conducting the affairs of your life in a manner of your own choosing and at a time best suited to your own interests. Unfortunately we cannot agree to your request at this time, as it does not suit our own interests. So, um, yeah. No. Just... no.

There is no need to despair, however. We have many activities that we arrange for players denied their rightful retirement. Might we suggest taking an exotic vacation with the rest of the team, where you can continue in your advanced age to flounder at the crease against top-quality fast bowling in such a way that is comically sad and unbefitting of a player of your calibre and reputation?

We thank you for your interest, and wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavours with us, and only us.

Signed,

Sri Lanka Cricket

Swann surgery explained in layman's terms
Graeme Swann will be headed to America for surgery to address the "floating bone" problem in his elbow. But what exactly is a floating bone? Spin-bowling aficionados will be aware that quality spinners who like to float the ball through the air by giving it plenty of flight need occasionally to have the special bone in their elbows that allows them to do this - "floating bone", in layman's terms; "humerus unnecessarius" to doctors - replaced. Being rare, these bones don't come cheap, and the process of procuring one is in some cases as controversial as that of getting a new kidney or heart: the well-documented case of L Sivaramakrishnan trying to buy a new floating bone illegally in the Bangkok black market is just one sad and sordid tale among many.

NZC denies drinking culture
New Zealand Cricket has denied a "drinking culture" exists in its set-up, after the latest alcohol-related incident involving its players came to light. "When our boys go out on the town, the scenes they create are embarrassing and uncouth to the point of being Neanderthal," said coach Mike Hesson. "So no, I wouldn't call it a drinking 'culture,' exactly. A drinking barbarism, on the other hand..."

R Rajkumar tweets here

All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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