The Heavy Ball
Why Kamran stays
The top 10 possible reasons why Pakistan's keeper has retained his position despite four and a half years of drops, missed stumpings, allegations of corruption, and remarks about his physical appearance
Imran Yusuf
09-Mar-2011
1. It's the biggest hustle in history
Kamran has set you up. Come squeaky-bum time, i.e. the quarters and beyond, batsmen will poke outside off and dance down the wicket without a care in the world, secure that the Pakistan keeper will fluff everything that comes his way. But the real Kamran will suddenly emerge, taking impossible stumpings and diving catches like a brown Ian Healy on PCP. Of course, pigs might fly too, and Bal Thackeray might garland the Pakistan team on the streets of Mumbai, and Ravi Shastri might complete a sentence without a cliché.
Kamran has set you up. Come squeaky-bum time, i.e. the quarters and beyond, batsmen will poke outside off and dance down the wicket without a care in the world, secure that the Pakistan keeper will fluff everything that comes his way. But the real Kamran will suddenly emerge, taking impossible stumpings and diving catches like a brown Ian Healy on PCP. Of course, pigs might fly too, and Bal Thackeray might garland the Pakistan team on the streets of Mumbai, and Ravi Shastri might complete a sentence without a cliché.
2. Sheer national arrogance
Having already won a World Cup, Pakistan want a challenge. They want to make a statement that will last for eternity. They want to leapfrog the Spartans in the pantheon of mythic warrior-victors. What better way to do this than by winning with the worst wicketkeeper in the history of all cricket in all places, including back gardens, grungy alleyways and long office corridors.
Having already won a World Cup, Pakistan want a challenge. They want to make a statement that will last for eternity. They want to leapfrog the Spartans in the pantheon of mythic warrior-victors. What better way to do this than by winning with the worst wicketkeeper in the history of all cricket in all places, including back gardens, grungy alleyways and long office corridors.
3. Chopsticks
There must be something Kamran has done to have convinced five captains and numerous selection committees to give him a go. It might be a circus trick in training, behind closed doors, an act of genius that hypnotises otherwise sensible men, such as Inzamam-ul-Haq and Mohsin Khan. Or maybe he once had a long Chinese lunch with Ijaz Butt and did a Mr Miagi. That would fool anyone, especially a fool.
Full postThere must be something Kamran has done to have convinced five captains and numerous selection committees to give him a go. It might be a circus trick in training, behind closed doors, an act of genius that hypnotises otherwise sensible men, such as Inzamam-ul-Haq and Mohsin Khan. Or maybe he once had a long Chinese lunch with Ijaz Butt and did a Mr Miagi. That would fool anyone, especially a fool.
Purple people, sandwich love, and the return of Shoaib
All in our look back at the highlights of the first couple of weeks of the World Cup
S Aga
07-Mar-2011
The Glitz, the Glamour, the Horror
Sonu Nigam - or Niigaam, as his numerologist knows him - turned up at the opening ceremony in a fetching outfit that made him look like a body double for Aamir Khan in Lagaan emerging out of a mishap in a Jean-Paul Gaultier workroom. Clad in a low-cut blouse, a shiny jacket, and a billowy skirt-like pair of pants, he proceeded to belt out a 1980s-style torch song about going for glory, as the world looked on in what could only be described as fascinated horror.
Sonu Nigam - or Niigaam, as his numerologist knows him - turned up at the opening ceremony in a fetching outfit that made him look like a body double for Aamir Khan in Lagaan emerging out of a mishap in a Jean-Paul Gaultier workroom. Clad in a low-cut blouse, a shiny jacket, and a billowy skirt-like pair of pants, he proceeded to belt out a 1980s-style torch song about going for glory, as the world looked on in what could only be described as fascinated horror.
The Hommage
Fifteen years after Kenya's Tariq Iqbal played his part in his team's upset World Cup win over West Indies, when a ball off the edge of Brian Lara's bat lodged between what were gleefully described as Iqbal's "ample thighs", we had an encore: Canada's chunky legspinner Balaji Rao juggled the ball in his hands before finally clamping it safe between his not inconsiderable legs. It was only the wicket of Wahab Riaz, but then you can't have everything, can you?
Fifteen years after Kenya's Tariq Iqbal played his part in his team's upset World Cup win over West Indies, when a ball off the edge of Brian Lara's bat lodged between what were gleefully described as Iqbal's "ample thighs", we had an encore: Canada's chunky legspinner Balaji Rao juggled the ball in his hands before finally clamping it safe between his not inconsiderable legs. It was only the wicket of Wahab Riaz, but then you can't have everything, can you?
The Bouncebackability
To World Cup-winning Captain, Champion Fast Talker and Ace Palm Lubricator, Ricky Ponting now adds the coveted title of Formidable Groin Protector Thrower. Australia's captain won the title uncontested when he managed to fling one such item so hard at a kitbag in the dressing room after his dismissal against Zimbabwe, it rebounded and struck a television set soundly enough to cause damage. As the rabble-rousing press speculated the damage was inflicted by something more substantial than a flying box - a bat, say - Ponting cleared it all up by saying no, it was indeed his box that inflicted the damage. That's sorted then.
Full postTo World Cup-winning Captain, Champion Fast Talker and Ace Palm Lubricator, Ricky Ponting now adds the coveted title of Formidable Groin Protector Thrower. Australia's captain won the title uncontested when he managed to fling one such item so hard at a kitbag in the dressing room after his dismissal against Zimbabwe, it rebounded and struck a television set soundly enough to cause damage. As the rabble-rousing press speculated the damage was inflicted by something more substantial than a flying box - a bat, say - Ponting cleared it all up by saying no, it was indeed his box that inflicted the damage. That's sorted then.
Stairway to '11
A song released the same year as the first ODI turns out to do quite nicely as an anthem for this World Cup
Deepak Gopalakrishnan and Krish Ashok
06-Mar-2011
With the general unpredictability and no hot favourites, this promises to be the most exciting World Cup since, um, 1996.
But it's a long way to the top, as our Aussie friends said (these ones, not these), and all the players will have their eyes on the World Cup a long, hard way away. Not to mention the little carnival a just after that. Here's a song for all of them, to be sung to the tune of that minor classic, Led Zeppelin's Stairway To Heaven.
There's a trophy, you know,
And it glitters like gold.
Teams are climbing the Stairway to '11.
And it glitters like gold.
Teams are climbing the Stairway to '11.
When they get there, they'll know
That they've beaten their foes
With a win they will rule for years four.
Full postThat they've beaten their foes
With a win they will rule for years four.
Cricket cannot alienate young talent
Must we stand silently by as aspiring young players walk away disillusioned and turn to other careers? No, a thousand times no
Sidin Vadukut
04-Mar-2011
Many years ago, way back when I was a gawky but not unhandsome boy of seven or eight, my younger brother and I used to spend our school summer vacations at my ancestral home in a tiny village in the southern Indian state of Kerala. (Kerala is also, incidentally, the home of Sreesanth, the cricketer popularly known as the Louis Vuitton of Indian pace bowling. This is because even though he is very expensive, he is very attractive and there is always very high demand for him. Especially in China.)
During these vacations I was normally watched over by my paternal uncle. My uncle, a kind and caring man, is of the persuasion that children should be involved in rigorous physical activity and should spend as little time as possible indoors. Doubly so in the case of me and my brother because our favourite indoor activities included gently electrocuting pets, liquidising small items of furniture in the blender, and going to the toilet in the VCR.
Therefore he devised a unique variant of cricket that would keep us occupied for the entire day. My uncle would bowl comfortable medium pace at one of us while the other one fielded. The batsman could only be dismissed if he was caught by the fielder. There were no stumps, no lbw, no run-outs, no stumpings or any other means of getting out. And of course there was no limit on the number of overs bowled.
Full postThe BCCI decides to do away with umpires
If it's broke you gotta fix it, after all. Featuring impeccable arguments from MS Dhoni and Sunny G
Anand Ramachandran
01-Mar-2011
In an unexpected fallout of their continuing rejection of the UDRS, the BCCI has decided to do away with umpires starting with the next bilateral series.
"Well, it's like this. We still reject the use of the UDRS in matches involving India, since we believe that it isn't one 100% accurate," said Sunil Gavaskar, chariman of the BCCI technical committee, explaining the decision. "Then we realised that, come to think of it, neither are umpires. So we've decided to stop using umpires from the next series."
"So, in keeping with our policy of not endorsing any decision-making device that isn't completely reliable and error-free, we have decided that there is no real advantage to having umpires in a match," said Gavaskar, casting a sideways glance at a glowering S Venkataraghavan, who looked more menacing than he ever did during his playing days.
Full postA Pakistani in Sri Lanka
Cricket is everywhere in Sri Lanka. It drives one man to hit the minibars of the country with a vengeance
Imran Yusuf
27-Feb-2011
You arrive in Colombo and everything is clean: the streets, the bathrooms and the fingers of the official at passport control. You wonder if this affects the way teams play cricket: the Sri Lankans playing with straighter bats and smoother faces compared to us Pakistanis.
You remember you are on honeymoon and cricket is not everything.
But then every billboard has a Sri Lankan superstar on it, and cardboard cut-outs of Shahid Afridi and other internationals stand mid-shot around the city. Your wife says "Salaam" to Shahid bhai and with a sigh you accept that cricket is everything for the next six weeks.
Full postHow to win the World Cup
Conventional wisdom? Chuck it out the window and follow these foolproof strategies
Alex Bowden
25-Feb-2011
When I look at all the teams in this World Cup working on their respective gameplans and devising their little strategies as to how to win matches, I laugh. I laugh and I laugh and I laugh. Then I cough. Then I retch for a bit. Then I drink a glass of water and try and get my breath back.
Why do I do this, you ask? Because they're all so astonishingly ignorant, that's why. All the captains and coaches, what do they know? Sure, some of them have won the odd trophy, but how many cricket World Cups have they won? Not many, if they've won any at all. I, on the other hand, have won dozens.
I've been playing cricket computer games ever since Graham Gooch's All Star Cricket in 1987 and I've learnt a thing or two in that time. Whether action game or strategy game, I've won the World Cup and in so doing, I've developed a foolproof one-day cricket masterplan.
Full postEden Gardens retires from international cricket
Ground says it will focus on its IPL career. Also: the immaculate rage of Sachin fans
Anand Ramachandran
22-Feb-2011
In another first, Kolkata's Eden Gardens stadium has announced its retirement from international cricket to focus on its IPL career.
"After I was unceremoniously dumped for the India-England World Cup game, I decided that it was time to quit the grind of international cricket. Unlike some other Bengali legends, I know when I'm not wanted," said the Gardens, with a wry smile and a shake of the floodlights. "I guess the BCCI is looking for younger, fitter and sexier stadiums now, and perhaps I don't fit into the scheme of things anymore. After all, all I can offer is pedigree, experience and years of service to cricket. Who cares about these things anymore?" it added caustically.
"I've decided that it is probably time to focus on the IPL, where, unlike some other Bengali legends, I'm still in demand," quipped India's most famous ground.
Full postWish You Were Here
Ponting spills his heart out through a Pink Floyd classic
Deepak Gopalakrishnan and Krish Ashok
19-Feb-2011
Ricky Ponting's not a man in an enviable position. He's seen some of the world's best players leave and unfortunately, the next-in-lines just ain't good enough. While being decimated in the Ashes is one thing, he now has the prospect of living in an era where teams suddenly think that they can go beyond silver medal in the World Cup. Shock, horror! Given this background of non-invincibility, here's something Punter would probably want to sing to his long-time accomplice, that crazy spinner. No not this one.
To be sung to the tune of Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here (words start at 02:34). With an extra chorus.
So.
Full postBigger than the Ashes
Some may cry that England v Australia is the pinnacle of cricket competition. They'd be wrong, wouldn't they?
Andrew Hughes
18-Feb-2011
It is at this point in the cricket cycle, as we tremble on the brink of another World Cup, that you are most likely to hear the distinctive, discordant cry of the Parochial Cricket (Anglianus Tedious Barmiarmius), an island-dwelling species that comes out of hibernation every couple of years or so to feed on a peculiar diet of ashes and lager, though in a lean year can survive entirely on bitter vine fruit.
And right on schedule, just as the cricket world is getting ready to party, our internet forums are once more infested with comments of a dot uk persuasion, decrying the World Cup and asserting the greater importance of an Ashes win. This in a year when a team of suitably motivated lemurs could have taken home the little urn, given that they'd have been up against the sorriest bunch of Aussies ever to put spit to palm.
This "Ashes is best" cry is a variant of the "Test is best" dogma, which has never made sense to me. I do enjoy Test cricket. It is more like real life than sport; it can be stupefyingly boring for hours on end, but is threaded through with bursts of gut-twisting tension and throat-stopping surprise. But let's be honest, it's pretty strange too. A popular sporting event that lasts a whole working week? It's as anachronistic as asbestos garages, riding to work on a penny farthing, and shooting tigers for fun.
Full post