In another first, Kolkata's Eden Gardens stadium has announced its retirement from international cricket to focus on its IPL career.

"After I was unceremoniously dumped for the India-England World Cup game, I decided that it was time to quit the grind of international cricket. Unlike some other Bengali legends, I know when I'm not wanted," said the Gardens, with a wry smile and a shake of the floodlights. "I guess the BCCI is looking for younger, fitter and sexier stadiums now, and perhaps I don't fit into the scheme of things anymore. After all, all I can offer is pedigree, experience and years of service to cricket. Who cares about these things anymore?" it added caustically.

"I've decided that it is probably time to focus on the IPL, where, unlike some other Bengali legends, I'm still in demand," quipped India's most famous ground.

When some of the journalists presents expressed flabbergastment - flabbergastation? flabbergastity? We're not quite sure - at the fact that a stadium could talk, the Eden Gardens retorted with, "What's the big deal? We seem quite happy when batsmen let their bats do the talking, or bowlers make the ball talk, don't we? So I don't see what's the big deal about a stadium saying a few words."

"Sheesh! Typical Indian media! A stadium is bloody retiring for the first time ever, for God's sake! And all they can babble on about the fact that I can talk. It's like discussing Bradman's career and marvelling at the number of times he passed 28 not out," muttered the stadium in disgust, before leaving its own conference room in a huff (a Cthulhu-esque feat of non-Euclidian geometry).

Most experts agree that the retirement of the Eden Gardens will create a huge void in Indian cricket, and that the stadium will be sorely missed. Interestingly there are rumours of a possible career for the ground as a TV analyst. "Nothing wrong with a ground as a TV expert, considering that many of them are mud anyway, eh?" said a wag (not to be confused with WAG), before adding "If the Eden Gardens was to become a commentator today, it would instantly become the second-best commentator from Bengal, even without saying a word."

However, the Eden Gardens has refused to confirm any such rumours, and has also insisted that there's no chance of a comeback. "Comeback? Who do you think I am, the Brabourne?" said the Gardens.

While Virender Sehwag's magnificent 175, which kickstarted India's World Cup campaign against Bangladesh has had most fans jumping with joy, a small section of very hardcore Sachin Tendulkar fans is still angry with Sehwag for running Tendulkar out early in the innings.

"We don't care if he scored 175, or that India won the match. We can never forgive Sehwag for running out Sachin. If not for the run-out, Tendulkar would have scored those 175 runs, and it would have been a far greater victory," said AN Naath, the chairman of Tendulkar's Association of Rabid Devotees. "You prefer Sachin scoring a hundred and India winning, or someone else scoring a hundred and India winning? Okay, don't answer that," said Naath.

"In fact, if not for all the times he's been dismissed when batting, Tendulkar's average would be infinity. Sachin is God," added Naath, before kneeling in prayer and muttering some gibberish under his breath, which sounded a little like "acted in lakh runs".

"Well, at least Sehwag didn't say 'Everybody played well, except Sreesanth and Sachin'. Thank God for small mercies," concluded Naath, recovering his sense of irony just in time.

Anand Ramachandran is a writer, comics creator and videogame designer who works when he isn't playing some game with an "of" in its name. He blogs here and tweets here. All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)