"Unknown format command. Need more data. Need more data. Malfunction. Malfunction."
"It's looking at me funny. Why is it pink? I don't like it."
"Cricket at night could suit me. I'm a 'can't-see-ball-still-hit-ball' sort of cricketer. I have actually evolved compound eyes that can see in the dark a thousand times better than an ordinary human. As a boy I represented South Africa in nocturnal bat hunting."
"Chris tends to be a bit busy at nights, if you know what I'm saying."
"Look, they can play it with green triangles up a tree in the middle of the night, for all I care, as long as Kevin Pietersen doesn't get a look in."
"I faced Dennis Lillee in the middle of the night, pitch black it was, and I had my mother's pinny over my eyes as a blindfold, and that was rapid, let me tell you."
"Oh dear me, no. The only thing that ought to be pink after hours is a nice gin."
"Look buddy, I have made myself available for night-time cricket and I've been told that the day may yet come. I think that means I've got a chance. Right?"
"As the country with the largest amount of floodlights we should definitely get to keep everyone else's pink balls."
"It's a sensational pink-ball maximum. Night Tests are absolutely amazing, and my goodness, thank heavens for these tracer bullets, which for once could actually come in useful rather than just being something I say all the time. What would you like me to say next?"
"Alastair Cook is going to be absolutely out of his depth with this pink ball. As for night Tests, I've had a few testing nights in my time, let me tell you eh eh eh? Did I mention - Cook will have no clue about how to captain at night."
"Imagine how good Kevin Pietersen would be with a pink ball. Of course, the lickspittles at the ECB will never let it happen."
"Please don't make us ever bowl with it. Or with anything. Ever again."
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
More such japes in CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries