England's new regime: what's different

Some people have been concerned that the reappointment of Peter Moores as England cricket supremo represents a backward step. Not so. It will all be very different this time.

Previous Moores regime: Coach proved himself unable to deal with star players.
New Moores regime: Not going to be a problem because England no longer have any.

Previous Moores regime: One-size-fits-all approach to training.
New Moores regime: Each individual player can choose the colour of cones he will be running around 100 times a day while being shouted at.

Previous Moores regime: Meaningless management speech.
New Moores regime: Speech de-meaninglessified vis a vis new management communicational paradigm. Going forward.

Previous Moores regime: England cricket paymasters bending over backwards to get in bed with dodgy American moneymen.
New Moores regime: England cricket paymasters bending over backwards to get in bed with dodgy Indian moneymen.

Previous Moores regime: Andy Flower probably pulling the strings behind closed doors.
New Moores regime: Andy Flower probably pulling the strings behind closed doors.

Previous Moores regime: English cricket doing everything possible to maximise commercial revenues and establish itself as a major moneymaking enterprise with series of major deals.
New Moores regime: Still a work in progress, but English cricket has changed Official Team England Mineral Water Partner.

Previous Moores regime: Growing concern about the very large number of back-room staff in the England "bubble".
New Moores regime: Full-time role for Bubble out of Big Brother as specialist team sun-hat consultant with possible consultancy work for Reni of the Stone Roses on an ad hoc basis if further sun-hat expertise is required.

Previous Moores regime: Feeling around the team that Ian Bell is finally ready to step up and provide the leadership that his experience and talent have long promised.
New Moores regime: Feeling around the team that Ian Bell is finally ready to step up and provide the leadership that his experience and talent have long promised.

Previous Moores regime: Unpleasant and undignified jettisoning of men who have been great servants to English cricket.
New Moores regime: Goochie relieved of batting-coach duties during frying-an-egg demonstration in Waitrose for sponsor's junket.

Previous Moores regime: Everything was Pietersen's fault.
New Moores regime: Everything will be Pietersen's fault.