Taunting 101

Shane Watson gulped nervously, knocked on the door and entered.

"You wanted to see me, mate?" he said.

Merv Hughes looked up from behind a desk. A cardboard sign reading "Directur Of Sledging And Mental Disintergrayshun" was propped up, leaning on a can of lager.

Hughes picked up the can and drank thoughtfully. The sign slid onto the floor. Hughes groaned.

"Again?" he said to himself, bending down to pick it up with some effort and more popping of buttons.

"You wanted to see me, mate?" said Watson, louder this time.

"Call him 'Sir'," hissed a voice from the other side of the room. Glenn McGrath sat behind another desk. A sign, carefully coloured in felt-tip pen on the back of a cereal box, said: "Professor Of Predicting Stuff and Upsetting Poms."

Smiling reassuringly, Glenn indicated Merv with a jerk of his head.

"Aw, right-ho," said Shane. "Cheers."

He coughed.

"You wanted to see me, mate, sir?" said Shane.

"Bloody right, I do, mate," said Merv. "What's this about you having a go at that big tall drink of water that the Poms have just got in?"

"Finn, mate, sir? I was trying to unsettle him before the Ashes, like you said to."

Merv glared and held up a newspaper. He quoted from it:

"We can make the most of Finn's inexperience. We want to test his durability as a bowler."

Merv put the paper down.

"His what, mate? His durability? What's that when it's at home? Now, I've been through this article four times--"

"He has too," confirmed Glenn. "We've been in here for hours now."

"Thanks, Glenn, mate," said Merv. "Four times, as I say, and I can't seem to see a single bit when you call him a ****, a ****ing ****er or even a **** ****ing *** dingo's **** * ****************ing ****, mate, and I want to know what the hell you think you're playing at."

Glenn shook his head sadly.

"And where's the bit about beating them 5-0?" he asked. "This is basic skill execution, mate."

Shane shrugged unhappily. Merv drank bitterly from his lager. The sign slipped down onto the floor. Glenn sighed. Was it too late to make a comeback?