The wedding of the season (also starring Suresh Kalmadi)

Even as news of MS Dhoni's wedding has taken the Indian media by surprise, the BCCI has put a dampener on the situation by declaring the wedding as unofficial and has banned the Indian captain from all future weddings.

"Dhoni has gone ahead and participated in this unofficial wedding without informing the BCCI. We have no hesitation in banning any player who takes part in such rebel weddings, which are not recognised by the BCCI. I'm afraid MS Dhoni will not be permitted to be the groom at any weddings hereafter - whether domestic or international," said BCCI president Shashank Manohar, ably demonstrating that while Lalit Modi may be persona non grata in the BCCI, his spirit lives on in the board's delightful processes and policies. Manohar also clarified that Suresh Raina, RP Singh and HS Plaha will be banned from marrying anyone in future - leaving only each other as prospective partners. Not cool.

Dhoni, however, was predictably unruffled and calm. Speaking to reporters after the wedding, he demonstrated his world-famous mic-hogging skills by pouring forth a plethora of painful and pedestrian platitudes. When asked about his honeymoon plans, he said, "Well, definitely. If we go to New Zealand then the conditions may be quite difficult. But if we choose England, conditions will be ideal for swing. But of course, everyone knows that the conditions aren't important, it's only performance that matters."

Public reaction has, as always, been varied.

"Dhoni only decided on Sakshi Rawat because he couldn't find a suitable tennis player from Pakistan," said close friend and Bollywood star John Abraham. "Begging to differ with Rohan Bopanna, Mahi concluded that perhaps Aisam-ul-Haq Qureshi wouldn't quite be the ideal partner for him in this case.

"Also, I think Spain will win the World Cup. They have Torres," he added suddenly, keen to be perceived as a football expert.

"I can't understand why the Indian news media is acting all surprised that Dhoni's wedding followed his engagement. But thank God, even they can't possibly be surprised by what happens next, eh?" winked Indian chairman of selectors K Srikkanth, revealing the reason behind his nickname. Srikkanth also denied that there was anything to be read into his not being invited to the wedding. "As a selector I understand the need to omit deserving individuals - just ask Cheteshwar Pujara. So it's all cool," he said, before dashing off to prevent Mohinder Amarnath from breaking into joyous song.

Meanwhile Suresh Kalmadi, the head of the Indian Olympic Association, following on the heels of his "no cricket during the Commonwealth Games" plea, has requested the BCCI not to organise any weddings during the CWG. "Any high-profile wedding will take away at least 17 or 18 people from the Commonwealth Games viewership. This is not something we can afford," complained Kalmadi. "In fact, it's the BCCI's duty to help make the Commonwealth Games a success. I implore them to help grow TV audiences for the CWG by organising an India-Sri Lanka series to coincide with the games, thus driving millions of people to watch athletics, gymnastics, kabaddi and my speeches - all infinitely more exciting, you will agree. Excelsior!" he concluded with a rare flourish.

Elsewhere in the world of cricket, Graeme Swann wants the England cricket team to be called the "golden generation" (primarily because they never lose to Germany), Bangladesh will announce a new cricket captain in the next 10 minutes (this is true regardless of when you're reading this) and fans worldwide are all asking one burning question: "Where is New Zealand?"