Christmas with the ECB
It's the season of posifestivity
James Marsh
19-Dec-2014
"Since your birthday falls on Christmas Day, all Christmas gifts, regardless of who they are bought for, rightfully belong to you" • Getty Images
A banqueting suite at Lord's. The England team are all standing around coach Peter Moores, who is dressed as a Christmas tree.
Moores: Hi guys. Hope you all like my positivi-tree? Let's get this party going. So, team, in a regenerative sense, what does Christmas mean to you? And remember, you can only speak if you're holding my positivity bauble. Alex, perhaps you'd like to go first?
Paul Downton whispers in Moores' ear.
Moores: Ah, yes. What I meant was, Alastair, perhaps you'd like to go first? You were always my first choice. I don't know why I said Alex. Alex, you're fined for making me look a bit silly.
Alex pours himself a large whiskey.
Cook: So, for me, Christmas is very much about spending time with family.
Giles Clarke: Right sort of answer.
Cook: It's also a time to think about the less fortunate in the world. To think, how can I help them? Maybe I'm living in a selfish bubble?
Downton whispers in Cook's ear.
Cook: What I mean is, I'm confident the New Year is just around the corner.
Downton applauds. Moores quickly joins in.
Moores: Wow, Alastair! You really upskilled your response there. Guys, give Alastair a chrimbo fistbump!
The guys give their captain a chrimbo fistbump. Except Alex, who gives himself another whiskey.
Moores: So who's next? Paul, what about you? Alastair, throw Mr Downton the positivity bauble.
Cook: I don't want to. He might drop it.
Alex: Unlikely.
Downton cuffs him around the ear, denies allegations of bullying.
Moores: Right, fine. Alastair, pass the positivity bauble to Ravi then. Ravi, what does Christmas mean to you?
Ravi: Peri Peri.
Moores: Um, is that like Frankincense or something. Some sort of spice?
Ravi: Yes, boss.
Moores: And it's given as a gift?
Ravi: Can be. They sell vouchers.
Alex: Ravi, mate. It's Christmas. Last time I checked Nando's did chicken, not turkey....
Moores: That's great banter, Alex, but you're not holding the positivity bauble.
Alex: Sorry, boss.
Moores: I think you should do a forfeit. Mr Whitaker, perhaps you could decide what it should be?
Downton whispers in Mr Whitaker's ear.
Whitaker: Mr Downton has no role in the selection of forfeits, but he says you should give all your presents to Alastair, Alex.
Alex punches Father Christmas.
Downton: Oh dear, Alex. You seem rather disengaged. It's sad when people get angry for no reason whatsoever.
Moores: Come on, guys! Let's keep our focus drivers in fifth. We need to realign our yuletide unit, our yulenit if I may, and move on. James, your turn!
Taylor takes the positivity bauble, but remains silent, just gazing intently at an advent calendar on the wall.
Moores: James, what are you doing?
Taylor: I'm staring at the windows.
Downton whispers angrily in Moores's ear.
Moores: Oh dear, James. I think you should give your Christmas present to Alastair, too.
Taylor hands Cook a pair of high heels.
Moores: Er, James. Who bought you those?
A man with imposing teeth bursts in dressed as Austin Powers: I did! High heels! For "Titch". Geddit?!
Moores: Graeme, what are you doing here? You don't even work here anymore.
Swann: Oh you know, it's nice for the guys to see me.
The guys stare at their shoes.
Downton: And why are you dressed like that?
Swann: It's an Office reference. The Christmas one.
Downton: What's Office? I've not seen it.
Swann: It's a tragicomedy about how self-delusion, corporate speak and weak management can wreak havoc within an organisation. It's popular among Twitter users.
Downton: Is it, indeed? Well, I'm still not sure I see the connection to the England cricket team, but I like your lapels.
Swann: Groovy, baby. I mean, thanks, Mr Downton.
Moores: Anyways… great session, everyone! Guys, I want everyone to take the posifestives from this. And do help yourself to nibbles. There's plenty of big cheese balls to go round!
Alex punches the big cheese balls.
James Marsh writes Pavilion Opinions. He is also a Tefl teacher whose students learn superlatives by being shown Graham Thorpe videos