Kohli to cage-fight Ravi Shastri before every Test

After being appointed Test captain in the wake of MS Dhoni's retirement, Virat Kohli today vowed to continue his aggressive approach to leadership by staging a cage fight with team director Ravi Shastri before every match. India's new skipper, who has also promised to maintain a hostile grooming regime against his own eyebrows, insisted that "having a bit of a rumble with Ravi in front of the other players" would get them in the right frame of mind to "win an away Test within the next five or six years".

Despite misgivings in some quarters, the move has been broadly welcomed by most supporters and pundits, although Shastri himself expressed concerns that, during their no-holds-barred fisticuffs, Kohli might be the sort of fighter who "uppercuts... and uppercuts hard".

As India prepare for life under their new testosterone-fuelled skipper, details have also emerged of a few other changes Virat will be making to improve team attitude:

1) Players to respect no one, including each other
Following his recent revelation that he had no reason to respect "those who do not respect me", Kohli has decided to take this policy a step further by insisting his side respect no one, including each other. "Respect is a sign of weakness," he said, drawing a silly moustache on a picture of Sachin. "If I catch anyone listening to a word I say in team meetings or addressing me as Captain Fantastic or King Kohli - however accurate those names might be - they'll be sacked immediately." It was also revealed players will be encouraged to faff about trying to complete Bubble Witch Saga 2 on their iPhones whenever Duncan Fletcher is offering them advice on executing the forward press.

2) Compulsory snarl lessons for Ishant Sharma
India's lanky speedster has adopted a more in-your-face approach this series, but some cynics maintain Ishant's efforts at sledging still amount to being bad-mouthed by a cute Disney giraffe with a snoozing crow on its head. As such, under Kohli's new "insult first, think later... then insult again" ethos, the tireless paceman will undergo a series of intensive snarl tuition sessions with Andre Nel - recommended for the role by Sreesanth - to enable him to become as obnoxious as the ex-South Africa quick. In similar vein, Ajinkya Rahane will also be made to wear thick sunglasses, as Kohli claims his "puppy dog eyes are too adorable and David Warner keeps trying to tickle his tummy".

3) All players to have at least one tattoo
"Look at some of the most successful cricketers of the modern era," Kohli explained. "Brendon McCullum, Kevin Pietersen… er, Jade Dernbach. It's surely no coincidence they've all got intimidating tattoos, so the first thing I did when made captain was take the boys down a local body-art parlour to get inked. Shikhar's got a cobra on his forearm, Varun's got a tiger on his calf, and I've got Anushka on my back. I'm used to that, though, if I'm completely honest."

Asked if he shouldn't rather be trying to avoid unsightly spats and confrontations now that he occupies a position where immaturity is frowned upon, Kohli stopped his critics dead in their tracks: "Brad started it," he replied.