Lapland to host 2023 World Cup

In an innovative move, the ICC today announced the 2023 World Cup will be staged in Lapland during winter. Drawing inspiration from FIFA's decision to shift their Qatar 2022 tournament to December, chief executive Dave Richardson said the idea of holding the event in a country synonymous with the festive season was, as he put it, "a logical way for cricket to build on the immense public approval football has received for playing its World Cup final in a desert at Christmas".

Given the daylight hours in Lapland at the time the competition is due to be held, Richardson also said it was an exciting opportunity to showcase the first ever night-night ODIs.

The news has understandably drawn ire from numerous quarters, however, with many suggesting Lapland may have rigged the selection process by bribing senior ICC officials with presents, although this allegation has been firmly denied. Speaking from a gold-plated sedan lined with husky fur and mounted on a troupe of reindeer, one official denied anything improper had taken place: "My new elf-shaped diamond cufflinks are mere baubles," he explained.

Some critics have also said that holding the tournament in Santa's backyard may see a decline in the behavioural standards of players, with an increase in sledging being cited as a particular worry.

Despite these qualms, the plan has been welcomed by some leading figures in the game, with a number of offspinners apparently delighted the sub-zero temperatures will mean everyone has to wear long-sleeved tops. ECB analysts were also quick to point out that playing cricket in wintry conditions, where the rather moist and melty outfield made hitting boundaries a near impossibility, "completely vindicated England's approach to ODIs in the last few years".

Scepticism nevertheless remains, and the ICC has conceded that holding the tournament in the Arctic Circle may necessitate a number of changes to playing conditions, which at this stage could include:

- All players to wear skis when batting, but skis which "aren't too long" as this may affect the delicate balance between bat and ball by giving hitters an "unfair advantage when straining to get home for a quick single". The edges of skis worn by MS Dhoni and AB de Villiers will come under particular scrutiny to ensure they're "not too thick".

- Umpire Kumar Dharmasena to be replaced at one end by a snowman (quite a popular move with players).

- Umpire Kumar Dharmesena to be replaced at square leg by a snowman (ditto).

- Hot Spot to be discarded. Slightly Mild Spot will be used instead.

- All post-match interviews to be conducted by polar bears, despite fears over player safety. "Don't worry about that, though," an ICC spokesman said reassuringly. "Cricketers are used to being quizzed by Ravi Shastri, so being interviewed by a hairy creature roaring questions at them in a slightly aggressive manner shouldn't be too much of a problem."

FIFA itself has lauded the move, with president Sepp Blatter especially praising the work of Richardson in bringing the World Cup to Lapland. "This decision shows once again that both football and cricket are run by evenly matched geniuses," he said.