The modern cricket family

ICC: So, son. What are you going to do with your life?

Cricket: Well, Dad, I thought I might travel around the world making new friends.

ICC: Travel around the world making new friends? I've never heard anything like it. New friends?!

Cricket: Yes, why not? I'm already in touch with a few. I suppose they're more associates than friends at the moment, but it would be nice to get to know them properly.

ICC: Would it? Would it, indeed? Well, I hope you're not expecting your poor mum and I to pay for it?

Cricket: No, of course not, Dad. Heaven forbid.

ICC: But what if you go to these far-flung regions and put down roots? You might not want to come back and, to be perfectly honest, your dear mother and I really like having you all to ourselves.

Cricket: Er, well, that's nice of you, I suppose, but I just feel I need to branch out. You know, it's nice here with just you, but I always see the same old faces all the time. I feel a bit smothered. I thought I might try and spread my wings a bit. People generally seem to like me once they get to know me.

ICC: I'm not doubting that, and of course your mother and I want you to be happy. It's just that you're too young to be going off exploring on your own.

Cricket: I'm at least 400 years old.

ICC: My point precisely. You can't possibly expect to go off gallivanting to all parts of the planet at such a tender young age.

Cricket: Football's parents let him go wherever he wants and they're very happy. He sends them back money from all sorts of places.

ICC: Does he now? Does he really? Well, some things are more important than filthy cash, you know.

Cricket: Is that why you keep most of my pocket money in your own bank account?

ICC: Exactly.

Cricket: Well, as I say, I am about 400 years old, so if I'm not allowed to travel around the world, can I have a party to celebrate?

ICC: I don't see why not. You have one every four years anyway.

Cricket: And how many friends can I invite?

ICC: Er, I think 14 is probably enough.

Cricket: Fourteen! You're joking. I'm not going to look very popular with only 14 people at my party. Football had 32 at his last one.

ICC: Look, I don't want to hear about this football chap ever again. To be perfectly frank with you, his parents are nothing to write home about. I know you think we're bad, but I've heard they've decided to send him to a summer school in Qatar where it's going to be so hot he'll have to strap ice lollies to his feet just to take a free kick. No, 14's plenty. Actually, we've already arranged it all for you as a little surprise.

Cricket: Oh, that's lovely, Dad, thanks. But won't that mean it'll only be all your old mates?

ICC: Not at all. Well, yes, a bit, but we've also got a couple of fresh faces gatecrashing things. Your uncle from Afghanistan, for instance. And cousin Angus from Scotland. Plus our new neighbours from round here are going to pop in. Probably stink the place out, but they insist on coming.

Cricket: Well, that sounds nice. I quite like them, actually. Can they come to my next party too?

ICC: Er, probably not, to be honest. We'll only have room for ten guests by then.

Cricket: You're joking. Why's that?

ICC: We're having the lounge converted into a spa centre.

Cricket: Oh, okay. Ten it is, then. Should be a riot. Thanks, Dad. I know you just want the best for me.

ICC: That's okay. Now go and sell your PlayStation on eBay and buy me some foie gras with the proceeds.

Cricket: Will do, Dad. Thanks again.