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Aka
Warney, Warner, Hollywood, the best captain Australia never had

In a nutshell
Shane Warne was not only cricket's greatest legspinner and one of the all-time greats, as well as the only cricketer to inspire a musical, he is cricket's greatest movie waiting to be made. In it there will be sex, in it there will be infidelity, in it there will be drugs, in it there will be gambling, smoking and boozing. There will be also be some mighty fine cricket.

Best advice his mother ever gave him
Whatever it was, presumably it wasn't the one about diuretics and slimming pills.

Those fingers were made for
SMSing.

Likeliest recipient of his next SMS
Shamita Shetty (younger starlet sister of starlet stakeholder in Rajasthan Royals, Shilpa).

Brangelina, Bennifer, TomKat, Abhiwarya and…
Shanita (or Warnetty).

Favourite clubbing mate
Kevin Pietersen.

Favourite clubbing mate in Colombo
John, from India.

Least favourite clubbing mate in Colombo
Arjuna Ranatunga.

Most inappropriate line in an ad ever to feature Shane Warne
"Good enough to bowl a maiden over", trumpeted the Advance Hair Studio after they solved Warne's hair-loss problem. An advertising watchdog later claimed the ads were misleading. If only they knew.

Most inappropriate post-cricket career for Shane Warne, given John
Celebrity poker

Favourite food
Beer

Favourite food after beer
Pizza

Preferred on-field refreshment
Beer

Greatest sledges involving Warne
1. Warne to Paul Collingwood: "You got an MBE, right? For scoring seven at the Oval?"
2. Warne to Daryll Cullinan: "I've been waiting two years to humiliate you again." Cullinan: "Looks like you spent the time eating."
3. Warne to Ian Bell: "You don't like being called the Sherminator, do you?"
4. Adam Parore to Chris Harris, who had just bowled to Daryll Cullinan: "Bowled Warnie!"

How Warne celebrates a $200,000 deal with a nicotine substitute manufacturer
By 'avin a fag.

The one man Warne has on-field nightmares about
Sachin Tendulkar, who accounts for about 92.89% of his total runs conceded.

The one man Warne has on-field dreams about
Daryll Cullinan, who makes up approximately 93.47% of his total dismissals

What Warne would trade at least half of his Test wickets for
A Test hundred.

After the IPL
Shane Warne will naturally be starring as Shane Warne in Shane Warne: The Musical. Walk-on roles for the sisters Shetty are rumoured, as they bid desperately to revive their Bollywood careers.

Osman Samiuddin is Pakistan editor of Cricinfo