What won't happen in 2010

February-March 2010 Comprehensive roll out of Merlyn bowling machines. Merlyn casts its spell over the cricketing world and Hawk-Eye’s plans to assassinate Daryl Harper are exposed. Pitch-mapping technology turns its attention to the human anatomy and begins to understand human feelings. Snick-o-meter emerges as a love rival to Lily Allen for Graham Onions’ ‘Hot-spot’.

April-May 2010 At the World T20, an injured Andrew Flintoff manages to rise like a seal to catch a six - and with it a prize cheque for $5,000 - hit into the crowd by Angelo Mathews in the opening game. Flintoff the next day announces that the $5,000 are to be spent on a “well-deserved break to Dubai this summer”, meaning that the mercenary is to skip England’s ODI series against the old foe from Down Under later in the year. Sky1’s ‘Got to Dance’ winner receives ultimate boogieing accolade; appearing as a boundary dancer at the World T20 in the Caribbean, helping to swell Twenty20 cricket’s appeal to an urban market. Citi-Eight8 cricket is born. New Brylcreem boy Stuart Broad gains some sort of revenge on Yuvraj Singh in the same tournament, hitting four 4s off a final over, narrowly guiding England through to the semis. Broad’s heroics are shortlived, however, as South Africa storm past them into the final where Imran Tahir spins his adopted nation to victory against the vibrant holders and his country of birth; Pakistan.

Summer 2010 Andrew Caddick joins the SkySports team for the broadcaster’s International coverage. The retired paceman gets a game as he acts as a mentor for Chipping Sodbury CC in SkySports’ yearly ‘Club Life’ lunchtime feature. Caddick takes 9/12 in the match, proclaiming: “you never lose it”. At Old Trafford in the second Test, Bangladesh post 342/3 at the end of the first day’s play. Caddick, not realising that the mics are still on releases an explosive foul-mouthed tirade at England’s pace trio of Mark Davies, Steve Finn and Stuart Broad. In an emotional press conference, Caddick apologises for his on-air behaviour and announces that he is to make a comeback for Somerset after being buoyed by his stint with Chipping Sodbury. Caddick then proceeds to tear up the common held belief that Taunton is a batting paradise, ripping through County orders for the rest of the season and spearheading Somerset to an overdue Championship. In a year of comebacks, Chris Lewis decides to form his own cricket team inside, after having gained inspiration from not only his former England team-mate, but a prison library copy of ‘The Great Escape’. Leicestershire win the domestic Twenty20 competition, Brad Hodge hitting an unbeaten century to seal victory for Matthew Hoggard’s men.

September/October 2010 Confused and money-hungry English administrators arrange impromptu tour of South Africa aiming to ride the crest of a wave produced by England’s football World Cup win. Burnout to England’s seamers results, but the tour does not turn out to be entirely fruitless as Team Strauss and Flower return with a gaggle of South African teenagers, all possessing great potential. They are slotted immediately into the academy and elocution lessons begin. Due to a packed international schedule, docile, lifeless pitches and burnout, pace bowlers are placed on the “endangered species” list - more of an incentive for a Caddick comeback.

Winter/The Ashes Down Under 2010/11 Concerns for Shane Warne’s whereabouts are brought to light as the rotund, retired twirler misses his third consecutive Hair-Gain appointment. Virender Sehwag takes over Warne’s marketing commitments for the company as a Hair-Gain spokesperson issues a statement aimed directly at the World Anti-Doping Authority, claiming that the treatment is safe and well within the regulations. In December, the mystery of Warne’s disappearance is revealed. The tanned Victorian is released not from an exploratory hair growth lab, but from the apartment of an apparently inspired Nathan Hauritz. Hauritz despite his spindly frame, disguises Warne as himself and outperforms 2010 X-Factor finalist, Graeme Swann, in the first two Tests. The ICC are not impressed and Hauritz is banned for the remainder of the series. Graeme ‘Dr Comfort’ Swann and his Lurid Revelations band release their bid for Christmas No. 1. Australian series top scorer Phil Hughes astounds his critics by scoring over 11% of his 527 runs through the leg-side. Regardless of a broken left hand, Hughes compiles a defiant 57* from 237 balls to save the final Test for Australia, wrestling back the sacred urn and winning the Chris Tavaré award for most obdurate fifty. Paul ‘Brigadier Block’ Collingwood is so dejected he retires. Despite England’s loss, the recalled Andy Caddick is named man of the series, collecting 34 wickets at 17.26 a piece. Wins OBE.