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New Zealand were embarrassingly scratchy in the first Test against Bangladesh at the magnificently named Bir Shreshtha Shaheed Ruhul Amin Stadium in Chittagong. Redemption can be achieved this week, assuming the rain abates at some point. How? Not by drubbing the "Bangla-Dashers", no, no, no.
Instead I have kicked out Lindsay Crocker and John Bracewell and personally chaired a brutally honest team meeting at the Black Caps’ Dhaka Hilton Hotel. Specific challenges have been issued to each and every player, demanding that they launch an assault on a particular world record and get their names embroidered onto a list somewhere in the Cricinfo archive. Each is a record they will be proud to talk about in the pub whenever they get the chance.
Aaron "Son of Rodney" Redmond: Takes gold in the "slow batting by runs scored" category. He makes it through the first session of the Test - 120 minutes - and goes for a sumptuous lunch of jet planes and pasta, pumped up and on 0*. In the process, Christchurch financier Geoff Allott is knocked off the top of the chart. Against South Africa in 98/99, Allott memorably failed to trouble the scorers for a staggering 101 minutes.
Jamie How: Becomes only the second New Zealander after the maestro Glenn Turner (who did it twice) to carry his bat through a completed Test match innings.
Jesse Ryder: Hits 118 and is the first New Zealander to ever make that score. He is tragically run out attempting the first single of his innings.
Ross Taylor: Most fours off consecutive balls. He bashes eight to eclipse the seven smoked by Jayasuriya, Sarwan and Gayle - all players that echo the KFC Kid's approach to batting. Father of Aaron, Rodney Redmond, holds the New Zealand record - blazing five in a row against Majid Khan at Eden Park during "that" innings of 107 on debut.
Brendon McCullum: It meant that just a la indoor cricket there are shattered stumps and vociferous appeals almost every ball, but that’s what Baz needed to do to effect seven stumpings and sneak past India's Kiran More who snared half a dozen back in 1988 against the West Indies.
Daniel Flynn: Becomes the first New Zealander to be out "handled the ball" as an instinctive move to protect his expensive Mancunian orthodontic work goes horribly awry.
Grant Elliott: Blazes 271 at No. 7 to mow down one of Bradman's remaining 1001 cricket records. He doesn't score them quite as elegantly or quite as quickly as the man he replaces on the list.
Daniel Vettori: Slashes backward of point, then delivers a series of top-spin forehands through mid-off to make it through to 202, relegating Jason Gillespie's incredible effort to second in the list of monstrous knocks by a nightwatchman.
Kyle Mills: Grabs 8 for 107 to surpass the best ever bowling effort against Bangladesh by Stuart MacGill (8 for 108) back in 2006. MacGill has a whinge when he hears news his record has been flushed away, saying Bangladesh were a lot weaker this year.
Jeetan Patel: Commonly referred to by the chaps on the Beige Brigade podcast - The BYC - as the world's greatest cricketer, Jeets miraculously joins Wasim Akram, Maurice Allom and Chris Old to become the fourth musketeer in the elite and obscure 5 balls/4 wickets club.
Iain O'Brien: Joins the list as the only New Zealander to bowl unchanged throughout a completed innings. Upon completion, Vettori shakes his hand forcefully and assures the Wellingtonian that he won’t be holding that record for long.
Paul Ford is a co-founder of the Beige Brigade. He tweets hereFeeds: Paul Ford
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Paul Ford (aka Paul Holden) is a co-founder of the beloved Beige Brigade, the patriotic and long suffering Kiwi supporters' cult that is a bastion of things brown, tan, tongue-in-cheek and tenuously cricket-related. Paul lives in Wellington, somewhere between the Basin Reserve and Karori Park, and his favourite shot is the front-foot pull. @beigebrigade