March 23, 2010

IPL

The scream (starring Sanga)

Andrew Hughes


Kumar Sangakkara reads emotively from Allen Ginsberg’s Howl © Cricinfo Ltd
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The IPL is fun, but like any powerful stimulant, it can have side effects. Disorientation is common. We’re into week two now, and to be honest, I’m no longer sure whether the Kings XI Bangalore have already played their home game against Rajasthan Super Kings or whether that was last year. And that’s not all. Last week I felt a powerful urge to bang my head against the wall during a Morne Morkel over, and I find that the sight of a Chennai Super Kings shirt can induce nausea.

But on Sunday I experienced an entirely new IPL sensation: cold, naked fear.

It came during the 18th over of Chennai’s interminable, comic and ultimately futile run-chase. Piyush Chawla had outfoxed big Manpreet Gony with a sneaky googly. The grubby white ball thwacked into a canary yellow pad. And from his ideal vantage point behind Gony’s bottom, the Punjab keeper-captain produced a bloodcurdling wail. It went something like this:

“Aaaarghaaarghaaarghaaaarghaaargh!” (Pause) “Aaaarrghaaaarghaaaargh!”

I fell off my sofa. From the flat below I heard the tinkle of breaking porcelain as my elderly neighbour lost her first tea cups of IPL 2010. From the conifers outside my window, startled pigeons flew skywards in panic, and all across India wild animals lifted their heads at the strange cry. It wasn’t so much an appeal as an unnerving howl of existential despair. With a bit of jumping up and down thrown in for effect.

I am an Englishman and so naturally my first thought after I had picked myself up off the carpet was to write a stiff letter of complaint to someone. Addressing my missive to “K Sangakkara Esq, Captain, Kings XI Punjab, The IPL,” I pointed out that with his legal training, he should be fully aware of the implications of Law 27.4, which states that an appeal in the form, “How’s that?” shall suffice. Since the mangled collection of sounds he emitted on Sunday afternoon contained only one of the letters from “How’s that,” it did not constitute a legally satisfactory appeal. So the umpire could not have given Gony out, even if he was. Which, admittedly, he might have been.

The only good thing to come out of this moment of heart-stopping terror was that I now have a third IPL ringtone with which to annoy people on the train. At the sound of Sangakkara’s howl on Monday morning, several passengers ducked under their tables, whilst the ticket collector leapt from the carriage and was last seen rolling down a grassy embankment with his hands over his ears. I will alternate this ringtone with Danny Morrison declaring, “The Phone. Is Ringing!” (you need to do the accent) or possibly Ravi Shastri yelling “Can you hear me, Mumbai?”

Actually, Ravi had been in an informative mood on Sunday. He revealed that the Mongoose is called the Mongoose because, like a mongoose, it is small and ferocious. This puzzled me a little. The Mongoose is woody, lumpy, and no doubt it can give you a nasty bruise if you drop it on your foot. But to my knowledge wood lacks the capacity for ferocity, no matter how much you insult it. Even those talking trees in The Lord Of The Rings weren’t particularly ferocious. Disgruntled, certainly, but I’d put it no stronger than that.

Anyway, it would have been more entertaining, and possibly more effective, if the former Aussie biffer had got himself a real live mongoose and led it out to the wicket with him, presumably on a Chennai Super Kings official lead and collar. And it would have fitted with the strangeness of the game. Chennai seemed not to want to win, whilst Punjab once again only started playing when the odds were stacked against them. As a plot for a Bollywood film, it’s solid. As a gameplan, it has flaws.

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Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

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Posted by Malvika on (April 10, 2010, 19:21 GMT)

Awesome! :)

Posted by Sam on (April 10, 2010, 17:21 GMT)

Criticism is fine, maybe even your job. But day in and day out...hmmm..tiring...If you dont like it..dont watch it.Period.

Posted by mmh on (April 6, 2010, 23:03 GMT)

Another sad englishman...

Posted by souvik on (April 3, 2010, 12:23 GMT)

Kindly dnt try to force comic timings into ur article..at many places the comic timing has been wrong...it should sound funny naturally

Posted by Raghav on (March 31, 2010, 19:17 GMT)

Great article mate...pls ignore my fellow patriotic friends who dunno a thing abt humour

Posted by crazy4cricket on (March 27, 2010, 16:44 GMT)

1. Yellow is fine. It's probably not the best colour, but it's different and definitely not puke-able.

2.Wow! It sounds like after you heard that scream, you got the names of the teams right.

3. Good piece of writing.

Posted by Tarun on (March 24, 2010, 18:46 GMT)

I am sorry, was I suppose to laugh ? Why is this on cricinfo, seriously. Are Englishmen this much jealous or maybe pathetic

Posted by Dwight R on (March 24, 2010, 16:08 GMT)

that was 2mins of my life i will never get back...

Posted by 12345abcd on (March 24, 2010, 12:36 GMT)

O'hhhhh u englishman can't get over it can u..U people have to take the fact that IPL is here to stay so u'll be doing urself a favour by accepting it :)

Posted by IPLWay on (March 24, 2010, 10:27 GMT)

Because of this attitude, the English team has not won a single world cup. Even in test cricket, they are far behind. Grow up, and accept good and innovative things done by the others, else you will need another 40 years to win a world cup. The IPL1 changed the Indian team and look how they are playing now, I can't recall any ODI and test tournament where they were the supreme team.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Andrew Hughes
Andrew Hughes is a writer and avid cricket watcher who has always retained a healthy suspicion of professional sportsmen, and like any right-thinking person rates Neville Cardus more highly than Don Bradman. His latest book is available here and here @hughandrews73

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