Ijaz Butt October 21, 2010

Being Jonty

Or what Pakistan are imagining themselves as these days
40

Saturday, 16th October PCB head honcho Ijaz “Asbestos” Butt today held an emergency press conference to respond to the ultimatum issued by the ICC. The Long Handle was in the front row holding a recording device.

“First of all, men of the press, you are wrong to call it an ultimatum. There was more than one ultimatum, so you will see, according to the Latin we should be talking about ultimata, not ultimatum,” he announced triumphantly. “This, in my opinion, is typical of the way the media misrepresent the facts.

“Secondly, as you can see, the paper upon which the ICC has printed these ultimata is from a non-sustainable source. Again, this is typical of the way these shadowy bodies go about their business. How many mahogany trees were felled to produce this paper? Do you know? Do I know? Rest assured, I have launched an investigation and will be handing the file over to Greenpeace or Friends of the Earth, I haven’t decided which.

“Finally, if anyone here doubts that I am doing a good job, they should read what it says on this handwritten note I received from my good friend, Mr President Zardari. ‘Dear Butty. Congratulations on being the most unpopular man in Pakistan. I would be personally delighted if you could continue to fill this position for many months to come or until the next election, whichever comes first. Yours with gratitude, Big Al.’”

Sunday, 17th October Fast-medium ball-flinger Stuart Broad today interrupted his weekly session with the ECB’s anger management therapist to explain his approach to fast bowling:

“I’m a passionate kind of person. Passion is my middle name. And aggression. Aggression and passion are my middle names. I want to be passionate enough to make the batsman scared, but not so aggressive that I split my trousers; yet at the same time aggressive enough to put myself on the line, but not so passionate that I step over the line; which would be a no ball.”

Monday, 18th October Excellent news for long-suffering Pakistan cricket fans, but not for those of us who appreciate slapstick comedy. It appears that Misbah’s chaps will be “concentrating on fielding” ahead of their jaunt to the UAE. However, their intensive schedule will not involve cricket balls, running around outdoors or risking nasty little bruises on the knuckles, as coach Waqar explained:

“Practising is so last year. When I say my boys will be concentrating on fielding, I mean they will be doing literally that - sitting cross-legged on comfy cushions with their eyes closed, imagining what it feels like to be Jonty Rhodes.”

“Good fielding comes from within,” said chairman of selectors Mohsin Khan. “Plus, it’s a lot cheaper to imagine being Jonty Rhodes than to actually hire him.”

Tuesday, 19th October As we all know, the ICC never sleeps in its efforts to root out corruption and they have come up with yet another jolly clever wheeze to catch out naughty cricketers. A dozen of their finest clerks will be seconded from filing duty, equipped with false moustaches and parachuted into hotel bars in key locations on the cricket circuit, where they will sidle up to unwary professionals and offer them cash to fix matches.

Obviously there are certain legal considerations in a sting operation of this sort. For a start, the ICC can’t be seen to be offering cash to players, so the pretend bookmakers will be issued with wads of $500 currency notes from Haroon Lorgat’s personal Monopoly set. And to avoid allegations of entrapment, when striking up a conversation with a player, the undercover ICC agent will be obliged to wear a badge that says “Undercover ICC Agent”.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • Morrie on September 6, 2011, 18:50 GMT

    I was really confused, and this answeerd all my questions.

  • Kamren on September 5, 2011, 20:42 GMT

    Your answer was just what I neeedd. It's made my day!

  • Kunal on October 25, 2010, 9:56 GMT

    Funny stuff Andrew, nice work mate.

  • Anuj on October 25, 2010, 0:59 GMT

    brilliant.....mate this was awesome, good article!!

  • Rahul J on October 22, 2010, 19:42 GMT

    great!!! nice one :)

  • hv on October 22, 2010, 13:06 GMT

    Next few months or the elections which ever comes first.

  • Manoj on October 22, 2010, 6:17 GMT

    awesome!! so hilarious LOL!!

  • gopal on October 22, 2010, 3:59 GMT

    Ripper of an article...especially the part about Jont Rhodes. I liked the sarcasm...keep it up.

  • Akshay on October 22, 2010, 3:44 GMT

    Absolutely brilliant!

  • AussiPak on October 21, 2010, 23:27 GMT

    Great article! I'm a cricket lover who appreciates good cricket and regardless of which country they represent I admire the greats of the past and present.

    I mean as a Pakistani living in Australia I can list my fave players from every test playing nation.I have favourite English players but equally love the Aussies. Let's face it how can you not appreciate what all the 'greats' have given to the game. Botham,Willis,Boycott,Border,Warne,Gilly,Haydos,Ponting,Pigeon,Lee, Tendulkar,Kapil,Kumble,Dravid,Azhar,Sunny Gavaskar,Graeme Smith,Amla,Gibbs, Donald,Pollock,Rhodes,De-villiers,Cronje, Sangakarra,Jayawardane,De-Silva,Murali,Jayasuriya,Imran Khan,Wasim,Waqar,Saeed Anwar,Mushtaq,Saqlain,Inzi,Shoaib. Sorry Afridi you are too over-rated. I mean to have the national side kitted out in Boom-Boom? No I haven't forgotten the kiwis, Fleming,Cairns,Vettori,Crowe.

    The sad thing is whilst every other nation is getting stronger Pakistan are still way behind.Butt you are a pain!!

  • Morrie on September 6, 2011, 18:50 GMT

    I was really confused, and this answeerd all my questions.

  • Kamren on September 5, 2011, 20:42 GMT

    Your answer was just what I neeedd. It's made my day!

  • Kunal on October 25, 2010, 9:56 GMT

    Funny stuff Andrew, nice work mate.

  • Anuj on October 25, 2010, 0:59 GMT

    brilliant.....mate this was awesome, good article!!

  • Rahul J on October 22, 2010, 19:42 GMT

    great!!! nice one :)

  • hv on October 22, 2010, 13:06 GMT

    Next few months or the elections which ever comes first.

  • Manoj on October 22, 2010, 6:17 GMT

    awesome!! so hilarious LOL!!

  • gopal on October 22, 2010, 3:59 GMT

    Ripper of an article...especially the part about Jont Rhodes. I liked the sarcasm...keep it up.

  • Akshay on October 22, 2010, 3:44 GMT

    Absolutely brilliant!

  • AussiPak on October 21, 2010, 23:27 GMT

    Great article! I'm a cricket lover who appreciates good cricket and regardless of which country they represent I admire the greats of the past and present.

    I mean as a Pakistani living in Australia I can list my fave players from every test playing nation.I have favourite English players but equally love the Aussies. Let's face it how can you not appreciate what all the 'greats' have given to the game. Botham,Willis,Boycott,Border,Warne,Gilly,Haydos,Ponting,Pigeon,Lee, Tendulkar,Kapil,Kumble,Dravid,Azhar,Sunny Gavaskar,Graeme Smith,Amla,Gibbs, Donald,Pollock,Rhodes,De-villiers,Cronje, Sangakarra,Jayawardane,De-Silva,Murali,Jayasuriya,Imran Khan,Wasim,Waqar,Saeed Anwar,Mushtaq,Saqlain,Inzi,Shoaib. Sorry Afridi you are too over-rated. I mean to have the national side kitted out in Boom-Boom? No I haven't forgotten the kiwis, Fleming,Cairns,Vettori,Crowe.

    The sad thing is whilst every other nation is getting stronger Pakistan are still way behind.Butt you are a pain!!

  • raju lorga on October 21, 2010, 19:01 GMT

    not even funny! lame article...wasted my time

  • Sheri on October 21, 2010, 18:02 GMT

    Absolute nonsense! not funny at all!!!

  • Chinmay on October 21, 2010, 17:05 GMT

    You had me at "Dear Butty" ....hehehe..... :p

  • affie on October 21, 2010, 16:50 GMT

    well written comments, especially the Butt-Zardari dialogue. Very true. hope to get a better Pakistan side in future without Butt_Zardari.

  • i love pak on October 21, 2010, 15:16 GMT

    Cool article. Very funny indeed. But I don't think Pakistan fielding is bad. It is strocious to say the least. Gone are the days of greatest fielders like Imran Khan and Miandad. They get into any world 11. "Good fielding comes from within" lol... I hope Kamran is listening. Kaneria must be laughing coz his career is jeopardised by Kamran who dropeed catches in every spell of Kaneria. Hey, also write something about umar's green lips. The comedy brothers are too funny.

  • Aurangzaib on October 21, 2010, 14:48 GMT

    I believe that even people across the world know that there are issues within Pakistan cricket board as it lies in the most uncivilised and non-professional top management led by a BUTT who doesn’t miss any chance of proving “What a BUTT he is!” The nation itself loves cricket and craves for this beautiful game. If ICC ever banned this country from playing cricket then they will stand in the same lines of culprits such as BUTT & Co.

  • Anonymous on October 21, 2010, 14:17 GMT

    a man with little commonsense can even say that ICC is biased in its decision, remeber that players are yet not proven guilty... can anyoneone bring justification to the fact that how such a big money can be offered on making just a 1 no-ball in a test match, this all is a "shadowy bodies" strike to knock Pakistan down in cricket... but a man with a nuisance can give the broad credit over and above Pak seemers.. keep it up andrew, Ijaz butt is no doubt a poor decision maker, poor spokesperson, he not deserves that position but u never can deny that its whole media vs him..

  • Dr Ali on October 21, 2010, 14:11 GMT

    Once it was asked by Shoaib akhtar why don't you follow the discipline???He replied who follows the discipline in Pakistan,can you spell somebody who follows it????Hilary Clinton while on her visit to Pakistan said it clearly to rich people to pay taxes,and this time she reprimand our beloved F.Minister by saying why don't your government receive tax from rich people.So if Hilary can get angry upon our leaders,what's the problem if ICC got tough upon us???I love my country the most,that's why I left foreign to assist my people.But Government,Cream of the nation and people at the posts doing nothing for institutions in Pakistan so I request China to Take Pakistan for 25 years and correct all the institutions and the nation as well.

  • Jay Flora on October 21, 2010, 14:06 GMT

    First and last weren't funny, middle two were,stuart broad one made me smirk.

  • BoomBoomRobot on October 21, 2010, 12:44 GMT

    chuckle? not funny at all

  • Gaya on October 21, 2010, 12:36 GMT

    LOL awesome work. Loved the bit about Broad....oh, how I love to hate that twit :)

  • Remove Butts on October 21, 2010, 12:22 GMT

    First remove two butts from Pakistani Cricket...to start with..then remove two A's...and then two Y's.....

  • Waqas on October 21, 2010, 12:11 GMT

    Haha, hilarious article. Keep the sarcasm flowing Mr.Hughes...I hope some day my country's Mickey-mouse cricket board will probably take something from your wisdom or any other foolish government run body for that matter including the parliament, the national assembly etc. Also, as you mentioned ol' Ijaz Butty must have had to work really hard, perhaps even call some reinforcements, consultans and advisors to replace Mr. Zardari as the most hated man in Pakistan. *sigh*

  • Ahsan on October 21, 2010, 11:55 GMT

    very well written satire. 'Butty' is a real mess for pakistan cricket. one can only hope when pcb is going to get rid of him.

  • fd on October 21, 2010, 11:44 GMT

    I am a pakistani and jokes asides this is exactly what our president has said to Mr Asbestosis

  • Aakash on October 21, 2010, 11:15 GMT

    hilarious !!!..loved it...

  • Alex Farooque on October 21, 2010, 11:12 GMT

    Great stuff.. Specially the undercover tag.

  • Adeel Hasan on October 21, 2010, 10:55 GMT

    Excellent!!!

    Two Thumbs Up.

  • usman on October 21, 2010, 10:30 GMT

    HA HA HA

    sitting cross-legged on comfy cushions with their eyes closed, imagining what it feels like to be Jonty Rhodes.”

    AWESOME HA HA HA!

  • Sana ullah Khan on October 21, 2010, 10:09 GMT

    Great article, felt fresh and awsome after reading it

  • Saikrishnan on October 21, 2010, 9:56 GMT

    Hilarious ! Especially the part about Stuart Broad and Misbah ul Haq.

  • Satish on October 21, 2010, 9:56 GMT

    “Plus, it’s a lot cheaper to imagine being Jonty Rhodes than to actually hire him.” -- Wow :-)

  • Mohammad Imran on October 21, 2010, 9:12 GMT

    What nonsense. Not funny at all..

  • sarith on October 21, 2010, 8:48 GMT

    I almost fell asleep reading this..

  • ask_tweeves on October 21, 2010, 7:58 GMT

    lol nice article, like the part abt haroon lorgats personal monopoly set...keep coming out with more like this, Mr Hughes!!

  • Shyam on October 21, 2010, 7:31 GMT

    Dear Mr. Hughes,

    An excellent post, sir. A modicum of anti-depressant to overcome mid-week blues. Your piece about Stuart Broad is par excellence. I hope your demands are not met and am eagerly awaiting your 'whimsical book about village cricket'. I suspect PGW himself wouldn't be disappointed with the effort.

  • Sajid Shaikh on October 21, 2010, 7:29 GMT

    Brilliant!!!

  • Giridhar on October 21, 2010, 7:28 GMT

    Hillarious!! "it’s a lot cheaper to imagine being Jonty Rhodes than to actually hire him.”

    "ICC agent will be obliged to wear a badge that says 'Undercover ICC Agent' ". After a long time i found a nice article.

  • Srivenu Paturi on October 21, 2010, 7:17 GMT

    Well written,

    “Good fielding comes from within,” said chairman of selectors Mohsin Khan. “Plus, it’s a lot cheaper to imagine being Jonty Rhodes than to actually hire him.” -Extremely comic.

  • Ali Shah on October 21, 2010, 7:10 GMT

    “Practising is so last year. When I say my boys will be concentrating on fielding, I mean they will be doing literally that - sitting cross-legged on comfy cushions with their eyes closed, imagining what it feels like to be Jonty Rhodes.”....ROFL

    “I’m a passionate kind of person. Passion is my middle name. And aggression. Aggression and passion are my middle names. I want to be passionate enough to make the batsman scared, but not so aggressive that I split my trousers;"....LOL..

    This article is hilarious.........Andrew I think this is your best piece to date :).....keep up the good work

  • No featured comments at the moment.

  • Ali Shah on October 21, 2010, 7:10 GMT

    “Practising is so last year. When I say my boys will be concentrating on fielding, I mean they will be doing literally that - sitting cross-legged on comfy cushions with their eyes closed, imagining what it feels like to be Jonty Rhodes.”....ROFL

    “I’m a passionate kind of person. Passion is my middle name. And aggression. Aggression and passion are my middle names. I want to be passionate enough to make the batsman scared, but not so aggressive that I split my trousers;"....LOL..

    This article is hilarious.........Andrew I think this is your best piece to date :).....keep up the good work

  • Srivenu Paturi on October 21, 2010, 7:17 GMT

    Well written,

    “Good fielding comes from within,” said chairman of selectors Mohsin Khan. “Plus, it’s a lot cheaper to imagine being Jonty Rhodes than to actually hire him.” -Extremely comic.

  • Giridhar on October 21, 2010, 7:28 GMT

    Hillarious!! "it’s a lot cheaper to imagine being Jonty Rhodes than to actually hire him.”

    "ICC agent will be obliged to wear a badge that says 'Undercover ICC Agent' ". After a long time i found a nice article.

  • Sajid Shaikh on October 21, 2010, 7:29 GMT

    Brilliant!!!

  • Shyam on October 21, 2010, 7:31 GMT

    Dear Mr. Hughes,

    An excellent post, sir. A modicum of anti-depressant to overcome mid-week blues. Your piece about Stuart Broad is par excellence. I hope your demands are not met and am eagerly awaiting your 'whimsical book about village cricket'. I suspect PGW himself wouldn't be disappointed with the effort.

  • ask_tweeves on October 21, 2010, 7:58 GMT

    lol nice article, like the part abt haroon lorgats personal monopoly set...keep coming out with more like this, Mr Hughes!!

  • sarith on October 21, 2010, 8:48 GMT

    I almost fell asleep reading this..

  • Mohammad Imran on October 21, 2010, 9:12 GMT

    What nonsense. Not funny at all..

  • Satish on October 21, 2010, 9:56 GMT

    “Plus, it’s a lot cheaper to imagine being Jonty Rhodes than to actually hire him.” -- Wow :-)

  • Saikrishnan on October 21, 2010, 9:56 GMT

    Hilarious ! Especially the part about Stuart Broad and Misbah ul Haq.